Isaac

why i feel so much, why i hold on to things and emotions that are no longer serving me, simply to say i have something.

but i’m changing my mindset, slowly.

i’m lucky to be alive, to feel, to hope, and to let go.

it’s part of being human. i deserve to feel, to hope, and to let go.

what are normal life experiences for some people feel like mountains to climb for me.

but i finally want to start therapy and to eventually enjoy life, instead of forcing myself to be as “normal” as possible because that’s what people expect. i’m not good at acting and it has gotten me nowhere.

put your hand in mine, it’s cold here on my own with my empty heart

put your eyes on mine, look at me and see me, even when it makes me scared

put your arms around me, i want you to, so bad

but i can’t ask you to hold me when it hurts you

would it hurt you because of my scars? or because of your bones?

i think it’s possible we were both born with something else in our brains. but i don’t want to wish that on you.

gratitude is the antidote for anxiety

i have a roof over my head, and i live with my best friend. i have food to eat and clothes to wear. i express myself more than i used to, even though i’m still learning not to hold myself back.

i have a job where i’m appreciated and a paycheck that i earn. coworkers that enjoy my company.

months later and my mind can’t move on, you’re something to hold onto, you’re simply the latest victim of my inability to exist without someplace to go. an escape, a pattern, a pathway in my head that leads to the same place every time.

can it be different this time? is it you? can you feel my heart? is the absence of my obsession the right move? silence is my acceptance but you’ve been silent the whole time.

do i want you to reach out because i want you to change, or do i want you to stay quiet so you know it’s ok to stay the same

i wasn’t trying to change you, or to force you into something you’re not capable of being.

that’s the whole point. i like you for you. and if that means we never speak, because you’re able or not, willing or not, i don’t know and i don’t care.

it’s enough to know you, to know that you exist. to see your face every now and then and to think of you fondly.

if i can’t be your peace, or your smile, i won’t be anything to you at all.

and i truly wish you well

it sounds pathetic but i’m ok with being in the background of your mind or not at all. i was once the person you went towards when you fell, if you needed me for only a short time at least we had time at all.

seeing my own perspective more clearly through the lens of too high test results, i tested his patience and came up negative. he can’t be blamed when he wasn’t well prepared.

i saw where he was coming from and wanted to meet him there, maybe we both got lost along the way.

i’d like to believe that he cared, but maybe he’s just a guy. not sacred because he’s the first, and not of many. maybe i am of the many?

what it comes back to, me still thinking of you.

this feeling comes in waves, it’s here then it’s not. i come and go with it as it pleases

i am not in control of my emotions, my thoughts

i see you everywhere, i look for you everywhere, your smell, your eyes, your smile

maybe all i’m looking for isn’t enough.

maybe i’m looking for me.

because you are irreplaceable.

every soul is different.

i could find your warmth in someone else, try to find it somewhere buried in me, like the spark i thought we had

but i don’t want to

•

we only talked for three weeks, i can’t imagine how i would feel after three months, three years even

people last that long in relationships?? wtf??

i could barley last one night pretending my anxiety doesn’t fully consume me. like i know how to be a real person in the real world. i admit i was jumping too far ahead of myself. obsessively falling headfirst, putting myself out there with compulsive confessions that appeared as genuine honesty.

who am i? with no context to other people?

•

i am a soul, i am a body. i am me.

when they were once risen

you may not always say what you think, but at least when you speak i can take it at face value.

when words are missing there is nothing to hold on to.

pull the trigger.

tell me i’m not yours.

tell me i’m pathetic for wanting something more.

you promised. your word is your bond, is it not?

“we have many days ahead”

how many until you are able

i am guiltier than you.

“i am willing to be patient”

i am not able

from the beginning, it goes again

distant-obsessive