All right buckle the fuck up kids, itâs the year 2012 and Iâve just been handed what should be an easy editing gig by my senior editor. Itâs a vampire erotica story because one of the final Twilight movies is about to come out, and everything is vampires. Everything. I havenât edited a single thing in months which isnât about vampires. I am ready, I can do this. So I open the file and notice thereâs a typo in the title, which really should have been my first inkling that something horrendous was about to go down, but you see Iâm not quite dead inside yet so I carry on, bushy tailed and bright eyed with my faith in humanity intact. Itâll be dead by page 24, but I donât know that yet. Iâm just editing one more vampire boner fest.
The MC is a girl who weâll call Sue. Sue is a Good Girlâ˘, Sue is Not Like Other Girlsâ˘, she is pale and awkward and a virgin and has somehow managed to find herself a Bad Boy⢠for a boyfriend. Weâll call him Dickhead.
Now Dickhead as previously stated is a bit of dick, he tries to pressure Sue into sex because he knows she is The One⢠but he loves her really so itâs okay. Except itâs not okay because Sue is a Good Girl⢠and holding out till marriage which heâs fine with except heâs got such a bad case of blue balls that one night walking home an attractive stranger lures him into an alley with the words âhey studâ and he follows, dick out before sheâs even finished her sentence. Well turns out that was a mistake for Dickhead because sheâs a vampire, but not just any vampire, a Dick Biting Vampire. So what started out as a skeevy blow job behind a club that heâll feel bad about in the morning, turns into him being bitten on the dick and drained of his life essence and left for dead. Except DBV fucked up and now heâs a vampire. Are you still with me? Good, cause itâs about to get weirder.
Realizing he is now an abomination, Dickhead flees, becoming a creature of the night and feeding on animals rather than humans to repent for being such an asshole in life. Sue meanwhile is heartbroken, but carries on valiantly with her life and goes to bed each night crying for the loss of her One True Love⢠who she would do anything to bring back. Well guess what Sue, Dickhead never really left you! Heâs been âinstinctively protecting her from rapistsâ by hiding out on her roof and fighting hobos who try to get to her open window via the fire escape for months now. Because thatâs not fucking terrifying at all.
Upon learning of his predicament and how it happened, Sue can do nothing but blame herself. Oh if only sheâd let him touch her secret places, then perhaps all of this could be avoided! Meanwhile Dickhead is having another dilemma of his own, realizing too late that his vampire powers have given him super senses and now he can smell her blood and he canât decide whether he wants to get with her or eat her. And I donât mean in the French sense. But he is strong! And over comes his base manly vampire instincts and neither rapes not kills her. Hurrah! And this is so romantic that Sue gives it up, but not before she launches into a theory about how in all fairy tales, True Love saves the day, so maybe her magical pure vagina that has never been touched by anyone, not even her, can bring him back to life. So Dickhead being a dickhead agrees and rips her clothes off, but not before he takes one last moment to marvel at the beauty of her purity, because he will never again look on her again and know she is Pure.
If youâve only vomited once by now, I applaud your resolve.
So they hop on the good foot and do the nasty, except she is literally so pure in spirit, her flesh burns his. And I quote you from memory because these words are burned into my soul: âher breasts bit into his hands, like crucifix nail nipples tearing at his flesh, but he did not care because he loved her so and couldnât stopâ
This phrase haunts me. I dread that it will be the last thing I think about on my death bed and my last words will literally be âgod fucking dammitâ as I die, carrying that mental image with me into the afterlife. My own solace is in knowing that I inflicted it on other people too, like @ahzuri who is somehow still with me after all these years.
When the magical burning sex fails to heal him and leaves her bruised, battered and broken with âa dainty blue bells of bruises around her secret flowerâ (I am genuinely quoting this, I could never make something as horrendous as this up without being on acid) Dickhead leaves. Yeah. Off he fucks, leaving her to the mercy of the hobos at her window, and into the night to be the true monster he really is. But wait, thereâs more. Remember the dick biting vampire? Well turns out she has figured out she made him into a vampire and has also been stalking HIM and is totally jealous of Sue, so tries to kill her. But again Sues Purity saves her, because sex before marriage which was done out of True Love is not a sin, so she is still a spiritual virgin and Iâll be honest, I started drinking heavily at this point and itâs all a bit of a blur.
A fight ensues some pages later after Dickhead returns, realizing the mistake he has made. And he rescues Sue from the Dick Biter, but not before he assaults Dick Biter, and calls her a slut for luring innocent men into alleys cuts her heart out by cutting her breasts off, at which point i screamed âTHATâS NOT HOW YOU REACH THE HEARTâ and my brain short circuited completely and I have no idea how it ends because I realized there was 30 pages left and my soul couldnât take it. I emailed the chief editor like ?????!!!!!!????!!!!!! and the book was immediately pulled from the work line and the author dismissed from the publishing house. Turns out she was a friend of a friend and that was how she got the manuscript past our entry levels for requirement.
And thatâs the story of how an author sent me death threats for over a month because I stopped her shitty vampire porn from ever seeing the light of day. Youâre all fucking WELCOME.
