Gelly. MD. Writes

Mag dadal’wang buwan na nang iwan mo ‘ko,

Bitbit ko pa rin ang sakit sa lahat ng sinabi mo.

Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit mabigat para sakin kumpara sa’yo,

Ngayong alam ko namang, pareho tayong may pagkukulang,

At sa isip ko, mas madami ka namang hindi nagawa at napakaraming beses mo akong sinaktan.

Hindi ko mawari,

Kung bakit ganun na lang kabilis mong binitawan,

Hindi ko matanggap,

Na sa tingin mo puro masamang alaala lang ang aking ibinigay,

Hindi ko maintindihan,

Kung bakit nagpapabiktima ka, pero ang totoo, ikaw eto’ng nanakit.

Hindi ko maintindihan ang sarili ko,

Kaya pa kitang mahalin; kayang isantabi lahat ng pagkakamali mo,

Kahit pa paulit ulit lang ako masaktan.

Bakit ako nagpapakatanga.

Alam ko namang hindi na dapat.

Pinipilit ko ang sarili ko na hindi ka na dapat balikan,

Dahil napagtanto ko na ang tunay kong halaga.

Sa aking pagtulog, mayroon pa ring hapdi,

At sa aking paggising ay naroon pa rin.

Ngunit sa susunod na mga araw, aking panalangi’y unti unti na itong mawawala,

At sa bawat araw, ay kakayanin kong mag - isa.

Dahan dahan rin akong maghihilom at lalakas,

I am back. Took me long before I decided to write again.

The whirlwind that was last year and this year got me caught up in a dozen of things, hence I was unable to write.

My dad died last year. I wasn’t able to take much care of him, because it was the middle of my medical internship. I only got home during the lockdown and then he died two weeks after my siblings and I returned home. 

Nov 2020 PLE. Started reviewing in May, real review started in June, a few weeks after, medical boards was postponed for 2 months. This got me off track. Had difficulty getting back to the grind of reviewing. Self - review was never an easy thing. It’s definitely not for everyone. Kudos to those who gave it their all and passed, no judgment to those who didn’t. Finally got that MD at the end of my name now :)

I went through Pre - residency twice. Had a day of orientation and 3 days of preresidency at my hometown’s public hospital. I never had a doubt about the specialization I chose, but had to brood and realize that the place was not for me. My heart was somewhere else. Tried applying at a military hospital and got in. Now I’m up for military training, which I am superbly excited about.

I thought I was ready for commitments, in giving my time, and maybe my life for someone like you. Regret lingers every now and then, because I give it a hundred percent and each night I break a little. A little every day until insidiously, a big piece is shattered.

I finally realize this is difficult. Its about tears and trying to hold on, and trying to move on past the heartache. The most difficult thing being, the decision to choose you over and over and over again despite all the bad and the good and the great and the hurt that happen in between.