Ritzella

Let’s begin by saying that yes, I know Troy was nominated for a bunch of awards when it came out.  And it even won some (such as the Teen Choice Award for Brad Pitt as best actor).  But this movie is just… bad.  It just doesn’t age well.  It just looks dated.  The font they chose for any words plastered on the screen looked like Papyrus. The fight scenes feel too long and a bit clunky.  During the opening scene, for example, I didn’t realize that my firestick was acting up and making the audio drag.  I couldn’t even tell. I just thought it was long, dreary music for a long, kind of boring scene.  And that’s not even touching on the not great acting.  Eric Bana kills it.  He is a great Hector.  But Orlando Bloom just comes across as a whinier version of Will Turner.  Brad Pitt’s Achilles seems like his biggest fighting tactic is making a Blue Steel face at everyone.  Peter O’Toole (who apparently hated the movie) plays Priam, and honestly, comes across as a incompetent father and ruler.  But more than that, I think my main problem is the overall plot? I’m not even sure.  I’ve seen plenty of historical films.  I really like movies that are based more on reality and history, but maybe in Troy’s case, you just need the magic and mysticism of the gods and goddesses to really make it work.  Without it, it’s just the story of how Paris and Helen fucked up a bunch of people’s lives and ruined an entire kingdom.  (And trust me, I could go on forever about how much I hate Paris and Helen.  I won’t, but if you want my real time reactions, see my raw notes at the very end.  It’s….a lot.)

But then I consoled myself by watching 300, which I actually really enjoyed. Now, some of the enjoyment of watching 300 is being able to go, “Oh hey look it’s that meme.” But the pacing was much better.  At no point was I clicking to see how much more time was left.  The fight scene felt smooth and actually pleasant to watch.  The characters were nowhere near as cringe as in Troy (even if Leonidas did mysteriously develop a slight Scottish accent every now and then; I love Gerard Butler, but he needs to pick an accent and stick with it).  I did notice that there was no normal lighting in any of the scenes, but that’s honestly a very small complaint.  The lighting and color choices weren’t unappealing, and I probably only noticed because I had watched Troy prior to 300.  And Troy might suffer from the lack of mysticism, I don’t think 300 has that problem.  Sure, Leonidas does go to see Pythia the Oracle and they do talk about appeasing the gods, but make no mistake.  This is the story of Leonidas, who in this telling feels like he could rival any of the Greek heroes before him.  

Listen, I get that Troy is hamstrung by source material, so a lot of my gripes can’t be directed at the movie itself.  But it just doesn’t age well, at least not when compared to 300.  The cinematography is just better, the CGI is just better, and I feel like the story is just told better. It’s really hard to believe that they were only made three years apart.  In a head to head (theater) battle, Leonidas wins. 

Verdict

Troy: 3/10 (mostly because fuck you Paris and Helen, you got Hector killed)

300: 7.5/10 (probably due to nostalgia)

A few ending thoughts:  

I still really would like an Odyssey sequel starring Sean Bean. He is the perfect casting for Odysseus.

David Wenham is a poor man’s Sean Bean, but I still really love him.  Also, in my raw notes I ponder if he is the voice of the Narrator for Deadliest Warrior.  He is, but he used a psuedonym.  Why?  I’m not entirely sure.  

I cannot tell you how much I really, truly hate Paris and Helen. I don’t even remember hating them this much when I originally read the Iliad, but fuck me, every scene with one of them in it made me want to bash my head against the wall. Epic love story my ass. 

Vincent Regan is the “Hey it’s that  guy” of Ancient Greek movies, I guess.  He played the Captain in 300, Eudorus in Troy, and something in Clash of the Titans.  Apparently, he also has done a few other historical movies as well. 

The scene with Pythia the Oracle makes me deeply uncomfortable.  Just these old dudes chaining up a girl and getting her high so they can interpret her dreams, I guess.

I made my boyfriend watch 300 with me.  He fell asleep. How do you even fall asleep during 300?

This really has nothing to do with Troy or 300, but while listening to Heroes by Stephen Fry, I found out the origin story of Heracles and uh…. It’s really not like the Disney version.  Whooooo boy.

Raw notes in real time (Sorry about all the Helen hate and the butchering of names and spellings. It’s so hard to keep movie notes on my phone.)

Troy:

This movie is from 2004.  20 years ago. and even in HD, it looks like it.  I don't recall lord of the rings looking this bad on my last rewatch.  maybe it's the font?

so my firestick does weird shit with sound and the entire first scene must have had the slowed sound and i didnt even notice.  and then froze.  fun times

lols achilles doing fuck boy shit -- though i wonder if thats based on source materials

why is achilles armor one solidish piece and no one else's is 

slightly upset that avatar is somehow longer than the story told in the fucking ILIAD.  how

eric and orlando look like babies, also diane kruger could have had anyone and wound up settling for norman reedus.  y tho

hahahah hector's face when he realized when paris is up to 

yo that must have been some instense sex if they're both that sweaty

"do you love me brother"  oh fuck.  and hector knows it 

this is really just the story of men being stupid

WHY WOULD YOU LET ANYONE SEE HER

the war angle honestly is the more interesting part of this story.  

Sean beanie baby! 

Achilles is right tho. 

Odysseus and his tricks.  

Yup. Men having 0 self preservation and women just telling the truth 

Why king priam doesn't yeet Paris off the roof.  Helen fucking sucks 

Saffron burrows is gorgeous 

Hector is fucking right.  Let Paris follow her. 

Yeah. Do that Paris. Paris and Helen fucking suck.  

Oh hey your city is under attack 

Once again, men being stupid. 

These fight scenes... aren't great 

Yeah maybe you shouldn't have defiled that statue Achilles (also is that Jude law?) 

Wtf Hector why would you go in there 

Also Jude law/chris meloni hybrid is vincent regan. Idk who that is 

Poor baby cousin rose byrne 

War is young men dying and old men talking 

Good let Paris burn.  Hes an idiot 

Poor andromache. She doesn't deserve this shit 

Helen doing Helen bullshit 

Eric banas aussie accent slips in there occasionally 

Menelaus could just kill Paris and this could all be over.  But no fuck you Hector. Also this fight scene is bad and they should feel bad for making me watch it. Its like seeing two drunk dudes in scranton fight over a chick.  Menelaus isn't wrong to be honest. LMAO PRIAMS FACE 

I still don't understand why Hector went to engage Ajax.  

Hector would have been a good ruler 

Louise voice: oh man Paris.  You should kill yourself 

I think I dont understand ancient Greek romance.  

Patrocolus is such a whiny baby 

Listen to Hector you fools 

Troy is so fucking stupid 

Ok but those flaming ball things are cool 

Remember when I said Hector was smart?  Maybe not so much 

But also fuck patrocolus. why did he do that? And not Jude law.  Not Jude law fucking had to know what was happening and did  nothing.  

I do not envy those people having to tell Achilles. But Brad pitt has a terrible cry face 

All of this could have been avoided if people had just listened to Hector at every step. But no.  No one listened to Hector and now he gets to die and his body desecrated. Fuck this movie. Oh and fuck you Helen. 

The only decent fight scene. Then ruined by Achilles being a douche 

Priam. You asshole.  You listened to the stupid priest over Hector. Had you listened to Hector, this wouldn't be an issue.  

Man if I was andromache I would have so much resentment for Helen. 

This is what happens with Hector gone.  Priam and the priests: oh sweet look at this baller horse the Greeks left us. Let's bring it inside! Do you really think Hector would let them bring that inside?  Fuck no.  Also why does priam always listen to the priests and not his kids? 

Sure just start slaughtering people. Sounds legit. 

Welp. Bye bye Troy.  I blame Priam.  Hes on par with boromir and faramirs dad on bad fathers 

SAVE THE HORSIES 

where is andromache and the baby. They need to get out now 

Hey priam, look at your city.  You did that shit.  

Fuck you agamemnon. You greedy shit. 

Run andromache 

Oh briseis.  Even though that's not how agamemnon ends i appreciate it. 

Such bullshit that Paris is the only one who lives with his lover. All of this was his fault to begin with. 

I love that it ends with Sean beanie baby. 

300 is a better movie, but id watch a Sean bean Odysseus movie all day long

300:

Graphics are better 

Visuals and cinematography is better 

Is this narrator the dude from deadliest warriors.  Wait, it is.

Why does teenage warrior look like David Sampson or the dude that plays nu!Spock 

Poor puppy 

Oh shit it's faramir 

Leonidas looks like that meme 

Hello cersei. 

Lol this dude is so dead 

All I can think of when I hear xerxes is scissor me xerxes

Omg all the this is Sparta memes 

Ephors look like orcs 

Weird how the ephor is translating exactly what they said before. 

Oops. Gerard butler ass 

Awww shes a good wife 

Yeah I forgot about the sex scene. Oops 

Why does Gerard butler look older in 2006 than now 

And the captain was eudorus from Troy! Vincent regan.  

They know this is the last time they'll see each other 

Why is this movie so much better than troy 

Fucking Hannibal move. Now I miss Hannibal 

Wtf is that smeagol looking bullshit 

Yo this music rocks.  But like. .. why? Also they didn't do anything. The storm did 

Wait stop. Fassy is in this movie? 

Lol suckerrrrr (about wall) 

Did they cgi everyone's abs? 

Awww poor smeagol. 

Do the Spartans fail because Leonidas is too prideful?  Goes against the oracle and gods, rejects ephilades. Lies to elders 

Casting differences between Troy and 300 

I dont understand war logistics but I dont get why they moved from cove 

Time to fight in the shadow, like fassy said 

Ok the hoard vs the Spartans. There's no way. Its not logistical.  Even with the phalanx, wouldn't they get tired 

Cersei  has some very 2000s eyebrows 

Ew Theron. 

I love the random Persians still alive that the Spartans are killing 

Oh scissor me xerxes! 

God kings are a very Egyptian thing. I wonder if Persians share that culture. Also ... Gerards accent makes Leonidas sound like a crazy Scotsman.  This whole scene is fucking hilarious 

All these lotr rip offs.  Immortals are just nazghuls

Let's be real, this lotr aragon story line condensed into one movie 

Lol Acadiana as backups 

WAR RHINOS YESSSS

It's a holy hand grenade 

War elephants! 

Stelios/astinos ship? 

Well that kills that, never mind. 

Wtf goat thing is that 

Oh Theron is Dominic west. Explains a lot 

If Leonidas had just... not been a dick to Greek smeagol 

Daxos is right tho?  Fuck that glory shit 

Tonight we dine in hell.  More memes 

Queen gorgo is bad ass.  And Theron is proven to be a snake 

Kill that Greek smeagol 

Wait how to dilios know all this?  He's not there.  Get is stelios.  But also xerxes has some on point makeup.  Also um... gods don't bleed. 

Captain is such a bad ass. 

More memes 

😢😢😢😢😢 oh Leonidas