sick sad bones

This is an absolute fucking nightmare. Bout a year ago i was at my lowest and almost died. Literally, i wouldn't have survived another day if i wasn't dragged into a hospital. Weeks of IV-feeding. Many panic attacks. Somehow trying to survive. And managing. Then i went to treatment. At first, it went somewhat well, but the ed started to take over really quickly again. I missed the moment to fully commit to my treatment team, to be honest with them. However, with my extremely low weight (BMI <12) i still gained. Months passed. And i am normal weight. But after i got released, it happened, i overshot my probable setpoint weight by about 10lbs, and it feels like hell. So what do i do? I starve myself again. But here's the thing: if you've been malnourished for so long and been significantly underweight for such a long time, your body will do EVERYTHING to keep that regained bodyfat. No matter what i do, i don't lose weight, i don't gain muscular tissue despite exercise. I know damn well that i'd have to eat normally again for my body to regain trust, and shedding the overshoot weight, but i think i missed that point too. So i find myself in this flesh prison again, now heavier than ever, stuck in these behaviours i fought so hard last year in order to survive again. I'm too ashamed to admit it to my therapist/psychiatrist. Because i am a fuck up, and now i can't even lose weight anymore. It's all been taken from me, and it's all my fault. If i had fully committed to recovery, i probably wouldn't be here on tumblr again. I hate myself for it. I should've been honest with my treatment team, honest with myself, or should've just died. This is almost unbearable. This isn't a life worth living.

Let me go already...

i just want it all to stop

I wanna rip my fucking skin off. I wanna cut off all the fat that is hanging from my body. I'm enormous. A few days ago i actually felt okay about my body, but since yesterday I see an overweight, worthless blob every time i look in the mirror. I'm burning from the inside while having to pretend that everything is fine. I see pther people, and they are pretty with their normal weight, they look awesome, well proportioned, but i look like i'm deformed, like there is something deeply wrong with me. I wanna set myself on fire so everything burns away until there's nothing left but ash. Erase myself. Finally be at peace. This suffering is never going to end.