I’m sorry but I need to vent and I’m on mobile so I can’t put it under a read more thing.
It’s been literal months and I still can’t muster up the courage to watch AH content that isn’t livestreams from individual twitch channels.
Like, I had no involvement in that situation, nor was I even a blip in any fandom involvement, but I watched AH content since the beginning of their Minecraft series, I was there for he joined, I was there when Ray left, and I watched from a distance as the gaming channel I loved watching when I was fourteen grow into something big and beautiful, filled to the brim with amazing content creators and fans of all kinds.
And then to watch it all crumble essentially overnight was shattering. I was shaking because why why why?
Why did it have to be AH? Why did it have to be him?
I can look back and number the amount of times where things he said felt off, or times where the rage and exasperation seemed unwarranted, or even the times where the things he did were malicious for the point of hurting someone, but he had crafted this image where we all took it as a bit, an act.
All those things existed together, they all intersected and overlapped, and he had a way where we were all blind, not just us fans but those closest to him. He blindsided everyone. And it hurts, it hurt then and it hurts now.
Because videos where he shined in are marred, interactions that were funny make me doubt, and his voice now grated my ears. His mere image makes me flinch—because he was real.
I can look at celebrity assholes and ignore them, because they’re celebrities and for me, they belong in a different world, it’s like they belong in a different stratosphere. They act, they’re in movies and shows, and then they’re gone. No more than an hour or two every week or so.
But AH was daily for me, videos with him in it were daily. In a sense, he felt closer, and to see him exposed for what he truly is, cuts all the more deeper.
And this is just me, a simple fan. I can’t even begin to imagine how it’s been for those who were much more integrated with the fandom, who went to RTXs and had interactions and bought merch. Even less for the girls who lived though that hell.
Point being, it’s been like 5 months, and it still hurts. I’m still mourning—but not for him. I’m mourning my childhood, my misplaced adoration, and battling that residual guilt that’s comes with finding out the people you held on a pedestal turn out to be bastards in disguise.
And I hope I can return to how I was, where I can look past and ignore the evil and focus on the good, because there is so much good, so much.
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