an angel, though plummeting

not to be a bummer, but this past week was one of the hardest maybe ever for me, and i have really really been thinking about not being here. but i went back to work this evening, and looking in the kids faces. i just could never make them go to my funeral. i do good. i love them. i was them. i need to be here for them. i’ll find a way to make it work. so what i can’t make people stay, friends and the boyfriend all found ways to leave me at my lowest. maybe i can find a way to be satisfied with my quiet and happy life with my purpose through the horses and the kids, and have my precious pets at home. spend as much time i can with my mom while she deals with her cancer. i struggle to find gratitude. i am so hurt, and so lonely, and miss everyone constantly, but there is good. i have built a beautiful life for myself, and those who leave me are missing out. i’m not perfect, sometimes i drink too much, i get sad, i people please, im insecure. i’m doing my best. i love my work kids. i need to BE here. and let the rest fall away.