99% of lawyers are giving the rest a bad name
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Bad spellers of the world untie!
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Hair salon wisdom: Life’s a bleach and then you dye.
Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Man who stand on toilet...get high on pot. (Confucious).
To err is human, to arr is pirate.
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
Work harder: millions on welfare depend on you.
Whoever said nothing was impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Don’t steal a police car unless you’re prepared to floor it all the way to Mexico.
Drugs cause amnesia and other things I can’t remember.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
Early to rise, and early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.
Elevators smell different to midgets.
Every snowflake in an avalanche pleads not guilty.
Everybody has a plan...’til they get hit. - Mike Tyson.
Everyone leaves the world a little better – some by leaving.
Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
Everything is always okay in the end, if it’s not okay, then it’s not the end.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move the bodies.
Honk if you like peace and quiet.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.
I am not single, I’m romantically challenged.
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I have a drinking problem – the bars close at 2 AM.
I have a strong will but a weak won’t.
I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming. — Jimmy Carter
I intend to live forever, or die trying. — Groucho Marx
I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. — Henny Youngman
I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.
I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy
If the opposite of pro is con, then what must be the opposite of progress?
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. — Woody Allen