a half-dream, remembered

continuation from here for @garciti There’s a part of him that knows there should be an order to the world, one where he isn’t the screw up that he is and one where he gets things right. when he sat across the table from her, he can’t help but frown and confess to everything he’s been feeling. it’s as though there’s no one else to tell these to, not even his best pals. they had better things to do than to worry about his stupid emotions. He wanted to say more, but when he saw the look in her eyes, his word drown in his throat. he can’t say more. not when they take out the light in her eyes. he laughed then, shrugging and rubbing the back of his head in a sheepish way to try to lighten the mood. except it made it worse, and all he did was sigh and apologize. “I’ll just talk to you some other time, yeah?” he’s on his feet the next minute, rummaging through his pocket to toss the gil on the table. He turns to look at her, a smile on his face, before he waves and tells her a soft ‘see ya.’ He figures it’s enough for now. he figures that all he needs is some time to think and sort out what the hell is going through his head, or maybe more time to push it aside and forget about it altogether. except that isn’t how sana works, and sana is a component in the equation that he can’t control. “Sana?” he doesn’t pick up what she says in the beginning, taking out his headphones as he cranes his neck down to hear her. through the loudness of everything around them, he narrows in and hears her rushed, apologetic words. He wants to say he isn’t ready to hear this, but the way she confesses everything so sincerely all of a sudden makes him feel bad for making her think she wasn’t a good friend. he bites his lip, looking down at her as if she was some fragile thing he could easily break in his hands. he keeps his hands to his side, clenching his fist at how dumb he’s been. he doesn’t know what to think when she wraps her arms around his neck and pulls him in as though she was an anchor to hold him on the shore. His hands unclench, headphones hitting the ground, as he awkwardly wraps his arms and pats her back. “You’re not a bad friend, you know.” He fumbles around with his headphones, stuffing them into his pocket. “Uh, you’re actually a really good one.” He smiles, the tilt of his lips crooked in every sense. He tightens his hold around her a little more. “I’ve just got a lot in my head.” there were daemons to fight, people to defeat, and people he wanted to keep safe no matter what. and she was one of those people. “I just need to get stronger, but I just feel so incapable of doing that. I didn’t mean to push all of my…insecurities on you. I’m sorry.” He lets go of her, keeping his hands on her shoulders, as he grins down at her. “But hey, you know, you’ve got nothing to worry about. Even though I’m like this, I’ve made it this far right? That’s gotta count for something.”  

“You don’t have to lie to me, Sunghwa.” Sana doesn’t look in the eye just yet, unable to face the kindness in his expression just yet but she does give him an extra squeeze before letting go. “If I was as good of a friend as you said then we wouldn’t be having this conversation in the first place.”

Sana gives Sunghwa his space by taking a few steps back. A couple of people stare at them, including some that are standing by a nearby street vendor and give the both of them questioning stares. A few even mumble behind their hands while looking at them with evident curiosity. It takes a moment before it occurs to her why they’re staring.

“We look like a couple that has just had their first fight.” Sana says, already she’s trying to bite back a laugh so she wipes away the wetness on the corners of eyes with the sleeve of her jacket. She looks up at the sky to blink away the last of the wetness behind her eyes ─ it’s a bit embarrassing, she didn’t even realize that she had gotten teary eyed in the first place. 

If he asks, she’ll just place the blame on the fact she had to run and the cold air rather than admit that she cries easily over misunderstandings, even if and when they’re easily resolved. She doesn’t like coming across as fragile, especially not in front of those she knows fairly well.

“I think we’re both having a bit of an off day.” She mumbles but soon she’s smiling again, feeling genuine. The people around them return back to whatever they were doing before and she begins to walk.

“And hey, you still haven’t told me what’s wrong exactly.” Sana pauses, looking over her shoulder before cocking her head in the direction in front of her as way to tell Sunghwa to follow her. As they walk she puts her hands into her pockets, moving slowly and looking into shop windows she continues their previous conversation. “I don’t understand why you feel like you need to be stronger.” 

She stops suddenly, fingers touching the glass of a shop window where one mannequin is wearing an outfit adorn with both jewels, gold, and another is holding a sword listed at a discount price for a weekend sale. Sana tilts her head, looking at the make of the weapon and wondering if it would be worth the gil that it’s listed for before she looks at him again.

Her questions get left unanswered as the canvases remain unfilled. It’s difficult, but he allows himself a minute to take his eyes off of her to survey what she’s drawn of him, his make in charcoal. He can’t help to notice his own eyes in the sketch, and how they look all too much. 

It leaves him wondering if this is how he watches her, like she’s all he knows.

He steals the stick of charcoal from her fingers and lets it drop. It breaks into two on the ground before leaving the ash where it hits, until it stops bouncing and lays at rest. “You always do assume the worst.” He’s tugging her to the side now, fingers carefully around her wrist. He’s got enough of a pull on her – and more than he should. Her feet stumble over when he does, but she follows easily. 

He takes the seat on the chair in the corner, besides all the half-empty canvases around them. It’s a strange hour: the sun’s gone but the room’s still lit without the ceiling lights actually on, just dim enough for them to read each other’s faces. He takes a seat, then he’s pulling her onto his lap. There’s a breeze that sneaks in from the window left open by someone from the last class, and he watches it play with her hair.

“Then stare at me a little more.” If she is looking for excuses, he’s the one handing them to her. His fingers get caught up through her hair, letting motion take over. He brushes his hand through her locks simply because he can’t let the wind have done the same, without him being the last to do so. He’s looking up at her, and it’s with the fondest eyes and as always, a smile. “You’ll get my eyes right the next time.” His words are all too simple, and as she says, he’s making it all too complex. 

When his hands settle to the sides and he keeps his gaze steady on her, he’s asking something from her. “Look at me, Sana.” He’s asking her to fall, and not just once. 

It’s unlike her to be this way― nervous, oddly protective of her sketches, her art. 

Sana puts the down the cat just as Juwon takes the charcoal from her fingertips. She watches his movements and she uses the silence to presume and prepare herself to be chastised or teased. Instead, time seems to come to a slow when he drops the charcoal. 

When she looks up from the floor, she’s given just enough time to catch the slight of a smile playing on the corners of his lips and the look in his eyes is enough to confirm he’s seen through the part of her that under normal circumstances is kept hidden behind a smile nearly as mischievous as his.

Sana sighs, you’d think she would have gotten used to the fact that he’ll see through her almost like her skin is made of glass and the way she feels reflect iridescently in the afternoon sun. 

This isn’t the first time Juwon has left her with the inability to breathe. Him pulling her onto his lap is unexpected, adding another layer to the already complicated status of their relationship.

“You’re doing it again.” Sana’s voice is quiet as she holds onto his shoulders, tracing the skin just beneath the hem of his shirt, “being the most complicated person I know.”  

Of course, she doesn’t need an invitation to look at him closer: it’s become rule of thumb that she is the first to see him and watches him as leaves until she can’t see him anymore. She’s already fallen for him once, twice, thrice over, not that she’s counting but it’s more times than she can count she’s certain.

[SMS: cute girl from class] I would say I’m sorry I woke you up but it’s 2PM [SMS] go get something to eat! with me! [SMS] 😏 

His feet never remain steady, even when at a stand still. The soles of his feet never seem to take solace in touching the ground, lifting as if to wish the furthest distance possible from anything that will keep them grounded. 

(When he exists here, in this room, surrounded by empty and filled canvases, it’s not the ground keeping him at bay.)

“It’s never alright. I thought we had passed the point in our relationship where common courtesy and mannerisms aren’t the basis for our conversation.” His feet take step towards Sana, one at a time; steadily, surely.

(It’s her.)

He watches her like he does with nothing else: preciously. Meaningfully. Like he wants this to mean something; like he wants her to mean something. When their eyes meet, his gaze holds her – and he begins the grand debate. Of whether his gaze really holds her, or if she’s keeping him, too fixed, and immovable.

“Hm.” His feet are ready to pace at her question, familiar with aversion more than what she is seeking from him. “Am I supposed to answer with a lie, or a white lie?” He picks up his feet to close the distance, the white streak across her cheek the only excuse. “You’re asking questions again, I thought we got past this the other weekend.” His thumb swipes over at the paint, while his eyes still keep steadfast on hers.

“Let’s not ask questions, Sana.” 

“Then you should know by now that I don’t easily get past things.” Sana brushes his hand away but his eyes hold her own and she’s unable to turn away just yet. “I don’t want white lies, fake lies,or  any lies. If you don’t want to tell me then just say so!”

Sana bites the inside of her cheek. Surprised, and a little embarrassed by her previous words despite them being the truth she tries to mask the feelings underneath by finishing with: “Otherwise i’ll just assume the worst.” 

(The worst being don’t you like me anymore? Do you not trust me? Are you trying to shut me out again?)

And a part of her wants to remain angry with him but she can never find it within herself to stay upset with Juwon, not after he does something like wipe paint smears off her cheek. It’s always the small gestures that move her, he can be so sweet that she can’t help but to melt into him.

(And he knows it, she knows it.) 

Juwon takes a breath━ Sana justifies all the questions lingering within the silence. “I’m not mad.” And she should be, another sunset and they’re back to square one with her corner of the studio still telling the story of the skeletons of empty canvas’, unused paints, and scattered charcoal portrait sketches. 

But he’s right, she didn’t bring him here to ask questions. Sana starts to pick up the drawings instead then pauses to look at one rough sketch, it’s the one she drew a few weeks ago and it’s the only one that’s close to capturing his likeness in a satisfactory way.

“I still can’t get your eyes right...” She mutters, holding the paper away from her to look at it from a different angle. Her attention is diverted when she hears a tiny meow, a black cat peeks its head out from behind her backpack and she laughs, before she sets the drawing aside and picks it up. 

[SMS: cute girl from class] 🤔 [SMS] I guess that’ll be okay. we can see if our futures and fates are compatible 

@tsdrats // popular text posts + ask memes (accepting.) 

The playground is oddly quiet for being 4 in the afternoon. 

It’s the snow flurries that probably are driving off parents and their children and should probably deter her but she just buttons up her coat and wraps her scarf around her neck a little tighter━ it’s a nice day regardless of the cold and she would rather be outside than spend another day stuck indoors, especially since her inspiration to paint seems to have hit a new low.

“How i am supposed to have a lit summer with $4.65?” 

Sana laughs at his remark as she picks up a piece of chalk from the ground. She’s unable to tell if he’s being serious or not given the state of the weather outside and the fact they’re both just short of freezing but she brushes her hair out her face anyway, and looks at Haneul with amusement. “Haneul... it’s January.” She mumbles, drawing a star on the pavement and makes a face, taking an immediate dislike of the hot pinky almost neon color. 

“Why are you worrying about something that is so far away?” Sana waves a hand in his general direction as she continues doodling on the ground by writing their names and adds a cute little drawing of Haneul frowning. 

“Ah!” Sana looks up at him again suddenly, eyes wide and excited. “I just remembered! On the walk here I noticed one of the convenience stores had a ‘help wanted’ sign in their window.” She pokes him in the leg, leaving a dot of the ugly pink on his pants. “You should apply and then you won’t have to worry about getting by with 4.65… and you can give me free snacks.” 

@venateus // popular text posts + ask memes (accepting.) 

Tonight the streets are alive with people in every direction she looks. The air is chilly and crisp on her warm cheeks and she can see her breath with every exhale she makes. Sana runs, pushing and shoving her way but despite all her efforts her voice that keeps saying things like ‘excuse me, please.’ fall on deaf ears and the distance between her and Sunghwa only grows.

Hands tucked into the pockets of his jacket and headphones covering his ears as he walks he blends almost seamlessly into the throng of people. “Sunghwa...” Sana says his name again. The lights of Shibuya crossing illuminate her face in blue and red as the cars move in a blur of motion. She can see him one minute and the next he’s gone. 

Finally, after watching the crosswalk light anxiously it turns and she is the first person to take off across the street (nearly getting hit.) “Sorry! I’m so sorry!” She quickly apologies, bowing her head and waving her hands several times to the driver that’s yelling obscene things at her before she’s running again looking around, searching for a head of blonde hair and black headphones.

In her search she can’t help but to wonder if this is her punishment for hurting him. In a way, she can’t help but to wonder if she isn’t cut out for city life after all ━ perhaps she’ll never truly belong here. Her footsteps come to a slow and she says his name one more time. 

“Sana?”

She looks up in time to see him turn around, face somewhat confused when her eyes light up immediately, breaking the distance between them and grabbing him by the arm. “You…” she begins but pauses to catch her breath. “You aren’t a piece of shit.” 

“I’m sorry, I should have said something earlier...” She stops, speaking and shakes her head. The silence is heavy. It’s unlike him to not say anything so instead she wraps her arms around his neck, pulling him into a tight hug. “You don’t have to carry the world on your shoulders!” She says, trying to hold back tears. 

@warsk // popular text posts + ask memes (accepting.) 

Some where between the interval between the second it takes her to blink Juwon appears within that short frame of time. As always, he arrives accompanied by a sudden draft of wind that stirs up any loose papers in the studio into the air. The other students look towards the windows, confused by sudden change. Not a single one of them notice Juwon’s sudden appearance (except for Sana who has grown accustomed to his way of appearing.)

“Sorry I was late. I can’t conceptualize time.”

Sana moves around him. The only form of acknowledgement of his presence that she gives is the fleeting glance that is thrown in his direction as she wipes her cheek, unknowingly smearing a streak of white gesso paint across her cheek and then her eyes are back to the blank canvas just as quickly and she ignores the papers ━ or rather, her countless sketches and attempts to capture his likeness and failed that continue to fall around them. 

She doesn’t need to look at the clock to know that it’s too late. She can tell by the way the light falls on his face and the shadows it wasn’t meant to happen today. “It’s alright…” Sana says only half meaning it while checking over the canvas that’s taller than she is for any bumps in its surface and picking out any stray paintbrush hairs before the primed surface dries completely. Once satisfied she drops the paint brush into a cup of water at her feet to rinse later.  

Sana reaches up to untie her hair, swallowing her disappointment with the turn of today. Her hair falls from the messy bun, eyes remaining downcast as she rakes through her hair with her fingers. Finally, she looks at him, tilting her head as she does so. “Juwon?” She says his name like a question that’s on the tip of her tongue that’s been waiting to be asked for awhile now.

@citry​ // popular text posts + ask memes (accepting.)

Sana takes another long sip from her drink ━ for a minute shefinishes typing out a message on her phone only half tuning into theconversations that take place around her while Wonwoo finishes eating his friesin a painfully slow manner. She sets her phone face down on the table toinstead fidget with her cup, popping off the lid to drink what she couldn’t get withthe straw as she observes him.

It’s one of those nights that feel like it’s taking placein an alternate reality. When the minutes move slow and it’s easy to pretendthat the world outside of the Mcdonald’s they’re in ceases to exist ━ and she won’t have to gohome to either the empty apartment or her father walking on egg-shells around her. The both ofthem wanting to believe that this: her being here is working. 

“If we date, you have to hold my hand in the car. noexceptions." 

“What?” Sana says around a mouth full of ice, chewing slowlyshe stares blankly at Wonwoo and not feeling the least bit shy having been caught staring at him. It’s just like Wonwoo to say something like that without warning, or maybe he had warned her when she was only half paying attention, maybe she missed her sign some time ago. It registers fully what he’s said and again she draws another blank, before setting down her cup. 

“Well.” Sana starts picking at the chipping paint on the case of her phone, tuning into the conversations around her for a bit in order to tune out Wonwoo. She doesn’t like this side of herself that is too hyper-aware of everything about him like the way she can’t ever seem to read him in situations like this. The little grain of salt on his lip or even the twitch of his fingers resting on the table. “It’s a good thing neither of us have a car.” 

[SMS: cute girl from class] 🤔 [SMS] are you available for donkatsu?

hyemi likes to think that every opportunity presents itself for a reason and if one is foolish enough to let it slip through one’s fingers, then karma is sure to punish them for such carelessness somehow. not that she knows  any better but in one way or another, she too has to cling to hopes and beliefs      even if life has taught her to choose not to.

“you must’ve grown up someplace beautiful.” she doesn’t hold any resentment in her voice when she speaks up: perhaps her voice is a little too throaty, a little too filled with emotions she should be shutting away. hyemi doesn’t have memories like this of her own childhood: only dark rooms and silent crying. a mother who’d rather suffocate herself before admitting that she’s helpless when it comes to protecting her children.

and a father who never knew when to stop inflicting pain upon others.

“i’ve always believed you can’t see the stars in seoul because the city has so many lights but one day, i’d really like to go away so i can see them, too.”

maybe a younger version would’ve resented sana for having a pleasant childhood memory to rely on. but the young woman doesn’t, instead wraps her cold fingers tightly around the other’s, the gesture conveying warmth and care and all other things she’s never known as a little girl.

“it’s not stupid.” she smiles, despite the dark surrounding them. smiles for herself, even when no one can see it. smiles because for the first time in forever, she wants to      for sana, for herself. for all the stars they can’t see in that moment.

“would you show me, one day?” the stars, your home, your heart?

There’s something about Hyemi that makes Sana search for a deeper meaning, or read between the lines. It’s the part of her that wants to know Hyemi better. The part of her that can’t get over her fear of screwing up chances she’s been given now. 

“My mother used to always say that if you don’t stop to look at the stars every once and a while, then you aren’t living.” She starts to think about her home town and it brings a smile to her face that lasts only for a few seconds and fades once other memories start to come forward.

“You’re sweet, Hye so of course i’ll take you there one day...” her words are soft, kind, yet distant at the same time. “Although, it’s quiet there and practically in the middle of nowhere it’s lovely.” Sana shakes her head to clear the thoughts before they can surface “There’s even a few abandoned houses that a couple of friends and I used to explore that I can show you if you’re not afraid of things like that.” She’s teasing Hyemi now, poking her in the side as she does so.

The lights flicker and then soon everything else in the apartment kicks back on. 

“Oh!” she says, looking around and smiling. “It’s back on.” Sana looks at Hyemi, giving her hand a quick squeeze. “See, that didn’t last long at all.” She says before pulling away to stand up, brushing herself off in the process. Already she’s thinking about tea, or perhaps making a cup of coffee. Anything hot would be nice.