Kaleidoscope Heart

Knowing you’re here is driving me up a wall. Hearing your voice yesterday… everything in my body simultaneously incinerated and liquified. And now, I can barely walk through the city without… feeling you, everywhere. You’re this drumbeat pulsing behind every moment, a weighted presence hovering in the background of my interior landscape. What the fuck IS that? I am puzzled and kind of frightened by this sensation… but I don’t think I’m imagining it.

In the last few weeks in particular, in moments when I felt the ache of your absence most acutely, I let myself seek you out, energetically. It sort of feels like rifling through the material of your being, to the immaterial… I burrow down, to that little tether between us—this obsidian, slightly iridescent thing… and I wait until I feel some part of my soul grasp it and then I tug, on whatever it is. I have long wondered if you can feel it when I do. (Our conversation last night would suggest so…)

I hate that I feel like I’m waiting, again; that you’re dictating the terms, again. I don’t know how to manage all of this, but two far-too-brief conversations satiated absolutely nothing. I have so many questions. And I am curious to see how we feel, seeing each other, here, again, after so many years… and, under such wildly different circumstances.

I fear you are not a good person

But I loved you anyway

I wonder if I'm a good person

Since I always let you stay

Everybody's good

No one is

Everybody's good

No one is

It was the lightning (light)

It was the headfirst fall (fall)

It was the fire (fire)

I had to block your calls (call)

I pulled the tower (pull)

I saw you lose your crown (crown)

From the beginning

It was the kingdom coming down

Everybody's good

No one is

Everybody's good

No one is

Hindsight I see so clearly

You did a number on me

Cannot trust you

Can't trust me to see the wolfsheep

Hindsight I see so clearly

You did a number on me

Cannot trust you

Can't trust me to see the wolfsheep

They serve you on a platter, but I turn it away

I wonder if you shudder when they mention my name

Like a razor in an apple

Could a ring become a shackle?

Can I tell between who loves, who's hunting me?

Hindsight I see so clearly (I'm the one who called)

You did a number on me (wolf, the one you called)

Cannot trust you (off, the one you lost)

Can't trust me to see the wolfsheep (for good)

Hindsight I see so clearly (I'm the one who called)

You did a number on me (wolf, the one you called)

Cannot trust you (off, the one you lost)

Can't trust me to see the wolfsheep (for good)

Everybody's good

No one is

Everybody's good