main: @vampyricc | tags i use in the tags
this blog was initially made for kaimelia alone but now i also use it to romanticize medicine a little to maybe influence me to study harder lol
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@fyeahkaimelia
main: @vampyricc | tags i use in the tags
this blog was initially made for kaimelia alone but now i also use it to romanticize medicine a little to maybe influence me to study harder lol

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Greyās Anatomy 18x12: Amelia Shepherd
i just decided to watch ER for the first time AND rewatch house AND greyās (and maybe even private practice in a way that follows the timeline). itās soo weird to have so much ground to cover. and iām also gonna be productive studying and doing chores (i hope) so thatās a very busy schedule. my new strategy to fight off depression and drug abuse is just gonna be to keep myself so busy that i literally donāt have room in my mind for the real bad thoughts. maybe i wonāt have time for anything other than medicine and itāll help, if iām lucky
anyway iāll post binge watching updates every monday thanks everyone
ur blog is cool as hell
thank u!! i like urs too š¤š¤
FORBESCAROLINEāS 9K CELEBRATION TOP 20 GREYāS ANATOMY SHIPS (as voted by my followers) #13. Amelia Shepherd and Kai Bartley You are someone who loves her people so hard and so much. Iāve never met anyone like that. Itās⦠inspiring.

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Greyās Anatomy 18x12: Amelia Shepherd
I will go to a meeting with you tomorrow morning. I promise.
« I watch Greyās Anatomy for the plotĀ Ā»
The plot :
Credit: ER Fightmaster
Obsessed with these photos of ER

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i hate that after amelia overcomes her addiction and stays sober for a while she simply lives happily. and she seems soo happy sometimes. even though she has ptsd ā from her dadās death, yeah, but also probably from being an addict at such a young age (i, too, did a lot of heavy drugs when i was 13-15, and that kind of thing comes with itās own trauma; the way your family handles you + things you experience in the streets trying to get the drugsā¦), no one would be surprised if she turned out to have other psychiatric problems (cause i mean, sheās pretty cray-cray), she doesnāt take any psychiatric meds, isnāt in therapy, and yet sheās just. fucking peachy. how. literally just, how.
izzie stevens wlw confirmed what
One Drawing Per Week: Thirty
SUBJECT: Alice (2009)
MEDIA: Rebelle 3 on Microsoft Surface Pro.
this has Nothing to do w greys anatomy and i havent even been active here (but hey, this season is back so i just might be too) but i need to vent somewhere and i canāt do it on main cause irl ppl follow me there. i donāt even mind them knowing these things like its not a secret or anything but idk itās weird
i owe ab r$ 130.000 to my university. every year i Donāt Pay the bills and owe them a huge amount of money and then they let me pay like 1/5 or even 1/6 of what i owe to be able to enroll in the next school year. iām currently starting 4th year of med school (itās 6 years long). this time they said theyād only do that thing where i pay a fifth of what i owe now and leave the rest to pay ālaterā if i use a credit card, which i donāt have ā all my payments have always been thru debit yk. and i canāt get a credit card cause i owe the bankS (plural, i owe money to like every bank in the country) like over 200k from loans iāve taken before, which iāll never pay them back probably (itās okay, i donāt have anything to my name so they canāt legally take anything from me cause of it). which is why i obviously also canāt get a loan.
i currently have about 40k. iām selling my shitty car for 7k, i have a solid buyer, so i guess i have ab 47k. iām trying to sell a shitty studio apartment in a bad neighborhood for 70k, even though itās worth ab 120k, just to try to get it sold as fast as possible. i work a part time honest job for less than a minimum wage and i use that money to āpitch inā and help pay the bills (i live w my mom and she pays for everything but sometimes we fall short).
and i sell stuff on the side. how much i sell is directly related to how much extra cash i need that month, but itās usually around 1k. if i really put myself out there i can make much, much more, and i usually avoid that so i donāt get too well knownā¢, but recently (since like november) iāve been doing that, and making ab 5k a month (which is how iāve been saving money these past few months), and iām currently facing the opportunity of expanding that further and maybe even make up to 10k a month from selling my stuff alone, but iām not sure if iāll do that cause i think people are already getting too comfy introducing my services⢠to other ppl, and i even got a street name. that was sort of a wake up call for me. i sometimes get texts from strange numbers thatāll be like āhey, [insert friendās name] gave me ur numberā and i check with that friend if theyāre cool before selling etc, but lately those āfriends of friendsā all started calling me dr. hu, and it sort of caught on, and ppl who arenāt in any way connected to those ppl told me theyāve heard my ānameā (dr. hu) being brought up by strangers in a couple of hang out spots in my neighborhood, and that really made me rethink the whole thing. itās okay, my neighborhood is pretty chill, thereās not much activity here, thereās only a few parks where young ppl go to have fun, there arenāt any territorial gangs or anything, so at least iām safe from that. but still.
also, ādr. huā is a reference to this guy (i didnt get it at first, i thought they were saying dr who first few times i heard it):
ANYWAY. back to the point. iāve been going to class even though iām not officially enrolled in this semester yet, cause thatās what my lawyer told me to do, cause weāll try to get a judge to demand my uni to let me pay in installments w debit or cash or a fucking check like itās fucking 2007, whatever, just not credit. (idk if it wasnāt clear before, but they let me pay in cash if i pay the entire amount at once, i just donāt have that rn). but if we canāt get a judge to do that (we should find out by next week), my only way out would be if i can sell the apartment until before my exams start ā and they start on march 15. otherwise i wonāt be able to take the exams and iāll automatically flunk all my classes, so.
my second option (if both the apartment thing and judge thing fail) would be to transfer to a different uni. that would hurt me deeply cause i like my uniās curriculum better, itās the best in the state, and i know iād be transferring to a uni that isnāt as good. and mostly cause iām already so integrated in my uni, i have my friends and my academic leagues and iāve been a pharma TA (which gives me a 20% scholarship) and intended to keep on it, and i write papers for it and i had big plans to write ab some of my special interests in pharma (yea drugs are a special interest to me fr lol) and get to show them in medical conferences etc.
and thereās my bf. heās the best thing ab uni to me tbh, heās the reason i wake up in the morning exhausted but still excited to go to class cause heāll be there. and itās hard for us to see each other cause we both have jobs that demand a lot from us (i work as an āassistantā to er doctors ā they pay me directly to do their work part time so they can sleep or study for residency undisturbed during part of their shifts, and he works with politics). so we only rly see each other out of class like once a week; and itās fine cause we see each other in class almost everyday and we skip class to get high and make out on campus sometimes (like fucking teenagers ik ik), but all of that will be gone if i transfer. iāll be lucky if i get to see him for a few hours a week. and it kinda feels like my world will colapse if that happens. i know itās dramatic but idk, heās kinda the light of my life rn. i know iād get over it, iād get over him if i had to, but i donāt want it to come to that, i really donāt, cause iām in love & i genuinely believe we could have the life of our dreams together soon enough
anyway. transferring would genuinely be horrible but iād get used to it. iām already getting used to that possibility. yesterday it felt like it was the end of the world, i sobbed like a child just for considering it for a second, it felt like when ur a kid and everything gets taken away from u and u find out the world is a cruel and unjust place for the first time (i got sent to an international boarding school at age 6 man idk thatās how it felt like). but now iām already more accepting of that possibility. iād survive it, iāve survived much worse, and iād learn to enjoy it (in a bittersweet way). iād probably lose touch with my best friend from uni (which SUCKS ASS cause heās one of the best friends iāve ever had, friends like him are hard to come across yk), but iād make new friends eventually. maybe iād find a way to make my relationship work. and iād get to Not pay 130 thousand reais to my uni; bitches didnāt let me pay my way, they aināt ever seeing money from me again. which would be pretty nice
and my third option, my worst option, is taking a gap year. just pausing everything. i finished 3rd grade in 2022, and iād start 4th grade in 2024. a gap year. itād come to that if the couple of unis iād consider transferring to need me to take extra classes (essentially ārepeatā some classes iāve already taken) because of curriculum differences. itād suck so, so much, but iām still tryna prepare myself mentally for that possibility. honestly med school is my life. idk how iād cope without medicine. honestly i skip class all the time and i hate some of my classes and i hate working with clinical medicine (which iām required to do as a student) but still, my life kinda revolves around the fact that iām on my way to becoming a doctor. itās kind of what i live for. iām not a straight As student, iāve never been a pleasure to have in class, i get Bs and mostly Cs and i donāt study for my classes like i should, i donāt turn in my assignments, iām essentially a very Bad student, but medicine is still my life. pharmacology and anesthesiology are my special interests. reading the entire goodman & gilman book for fun several times kinda thing. and i feel like thatās what iām worth. i know itās not healthy, but my entire sense of self worth is based on my academic life. which is ridiculous cause iām not even a good student! but having mediocre grades and only studying for the few classes that i actually enjoy somehow is enough for me to feel ok ab myself. not great, i donāt have awesome self esteem, but okay enough yk. but my self esteem will go to zero so fast if i simply donāt have an academic life anymore.
and what would i do with a gap year? iād probably work more, and maybe sell more, and maybe, just maybe, iād work on myself. study more ab the things iām interested in, go to the gym, help my mom w her garden. but the truth is iād probably fall into a self destructive pattern of sleeping all day and binge eating and doing drugs. letting dirty dishes pile up all over my room, wearing the same set of pjs for weeks, not washing my hair like ever. eventually stop going to work, never leave the house. start getting social anxiety, avoiding all my friends, shutting down completely. going days without eating or seeing a single person irl. itās happened before more than a few times, i know how i can be. iāve had enough clinical depression episodes. and i think it could go harder than ever before (the worst one iāve ever had was in 2017, when i spent 2 months in bed).
ok i kinda spiraled there. maybe that wouldnāt happen. it probably wouldnāt happen. and one good thing is iād definitely find a way to make more money, so i could actually spend some on something other than bills. i could finally get the tattoos i want. ok but thatās the only silver lining i can find. and even if i didnāt fall into a depressionā¢, would my relationship survive it? cause yea, iād have time and money to see him, work around his schedule since heād be busier than me, but iād feel like shit. iād feel like iām worth less than him because heād be too ahead of me academically, and iād be stagnated. i canāt explain it.
i just stopped crying. i was calm and collected and transparent when i was discussing my case with my lawyers, and then when i was alone the tears just started flowing and i just sat there crying, still and quietly, just a fucking river of tears soaking my shirt but without sobbing or anything. now iām just laying on the floor thinking.
i wonāt use law terminology⢠cause i barely know it in my mother tongue, let alone english, but the fact is: for a judge to CONSIDER forcing my uni to let me re-enroll (immediately) this year, i need to pay them (the judge and their minions) about 20% of what i owe to my uni. so, ab 26.000. i only have ab 40k, and the enrollment itself costs 12k; ok, so 40k would cover the law costs AND the enrollment costs (in case the judge does decide on that; they could also take my 26k and say lol no, iām not forcing your uni to let you re-enroll, fuck you and goodbye).
according to my lawyers, itās a 50/50 chance. itās a 50/50 chance that iād be throwing 26k im the trash. but alright. ok. anyway. the thing is, if the judge DOES decide to FORCE my uni to let me re-enroll, itās most likely they would make a document demanding that AS LONG AS i also pay 1/5 of what i owe to my uni right away. yeah, 1/5 is 20%, which is 26k, which would be the exact fucking amount of money i just fucking spent on ālaw feesā or whatever, so i wouldnāt have it anymore. and if i donāt pay it right away, itād be interpreted as giving up and automatically losing the whole thing, all for nothing. now, what does āright awayā mean? depends on the judgeās mood. could be in 24 h, could be in a week. could i get that money in 24 h? no, absolutely not. could i get that money in a week? not legally. but yeah, maybe, yes.
i know loan sharks who could lend me 30k, to pay back in a month or two; itās dangerous, but if iām transparent ab when i can actually pay them back and how much in interest rates, itās somewhat chill. like, from what i hear, theyāre trustworthy enough to do exactly what you both agree on from the start, and stick to it. like, they wouldnāt ask for more than we agreed on in interest fees later or some shit like that. so itās as safe as it can get. but yeah, ofc if i donāt pay them theyād like, break my legs or whatever the fuck they do, sure, but like i said, iād be transparent and realistic and set a date in which iām sure iāll have the money. i think thatās genuinely the most solid, and weirdly safest alternative i have.
i figured out a way of getting 100k. plus the 40-something i already have, itād be enough to pay for my debt + my re-enrollment thing. i was reassured that it wasnāt dangerous and i wouldnāt be getting myself into too much trouble, but it was still a very... sensitive way. (it wasnāt the loan sharks; in fact, i wouldnāt have to pay it back at all, just do them a few favors, but i donāt wanna get into that whole thing here).
so, i had someone ready to transfer me the money. it was all good to go. i went to my uni, said iād like to pay my entire debt. they took it out. and said that, if i wanted to pay in debit or cash rn, they would have to add a 30k fee. (????????). the whole thing would be around 170k now.
you have. no idea. no fucking idea. what i had to do to get 140. i had to work so much, put so much of myself into it, fight so hard, and get involved with people and things i didnāt wanna get involved with. and for nothing. cause now theyāve decided 140 wasnāt enough, they want 170k. it would be extremely hard for me to get 30k now, but thatās not even the hardest part; the person who was ready to give me 100k is very stubborn about only giving me that money if i use it immediately, (they have their reasons i guess, whatever, anyway), which i was about to do, but then i couldnāt. they would still give me the money, thatās still a valid way for me to get 100k, but what iām trying to say is that that money is not in my hands rn. it could be soon, but itās not. and i donāt trust it if itās not already with me, yk? whoās to say theyāll still give me the 100k if i get the 30k thatās missing? they said they would, i think they would, but i canāt trust that.
now, to make things a thousand times more complicated: my uni said that, even if i pay my debt, they canāt be sure theyāll let me re-enroll. they said probably, but itās already march, and exams start next week, so they donāt know. i would have to pay the debt and then find out. but iām not fucking risking throwing 170k in the garbage, iām not paying the debt until they say theyāre certain iād be able to re-enroll. they said theyād get back to me about that in a couple of days (ARGH.). and my lawyer said that if i pay the debt and then sue them, a judge would definitely make my uni let me re-enroll, but i would have to pay for that (and i obviously wouldnāt have the money), plus it would take a while, and my exams start next week.
and there was the apartment. i almost sold it. i almost fucking sold it. i was so close. but the guy chickened out last minute. so that was another thing that almost happened. but it didnāt, so whatever, iāll forget ab it.
my plan B also fell through. i checked with the other couple of unis i would consider transferring to, and theyād accept me, theyāre even cheaper than my uni, but i would only be able to enroll next semester (august), AND iād have to take a few extra courses because of differences in the curriculum. i donāt know how many extra courses, but definitely more than a couple. iād be willing to do that, but only if i donāt have to postpone my graduation by more than the 1 semester iād have missed, and thatās not certain. they said iād have to already be enrolled in the uni (aka paying 12k) to find out.
so my most likely outcome rn is plan C, aka the worst case scenario. iām not upset ab that rn cause i took 12 mg of bromazepam today, so iām kinda high and just generally not feeling anything at all, but when it wears off and iām actually able to think, iāll be devastated. at least that way i was able to eat, i just had 2 cucumber sandwiches and a couple of cookies and thatās all iāve had since sunday. iām unfreezing some meat to have later as well. iām losing too much weight lately (like, 5 kg in a few weeks, and now iām almost underweight and my mom says i look sick), cause i donāt eat when i get high on opioids, and iāve been doing that like 3 times a week. and honestly iām on the verge of going on a bender, so i gotta get some calories in so i donāt lose even more weight this week. ok iām done venting for now cause my benzo intoxicated brain isnāt working anymore lol
edit: i had 3 slices of pizza and a bag of cheetos for dinner now, shit food but at least i got calories in. jfc i already gotta update this post cause i gotta vent more cause so much has happened over the last few hours. gonna wait til im a bit less insane (and high) tho

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They dressed for SUCCESS that day. They really said, āNo buttons, no collar, no blazer, no tie, it'll all get in the way later.ā
I still fall for you every single day.