gay opinions n shit

Amelia could distinctly remember a time in her life when staying up late on Christmas Eve had given her the most exhilarating feeling in the world. One of the biggest joys of her childhood, nothing—save for the events of the following morning—had ever come close to beating it. Of course, she’d later learn that most of those memories were built on lies—that there was no such thing as Santa Claus and that reindeer couldn’t really fly—but still: the echos of her excitement never failed to make her grin.  

Except for now.

Wide awake at 2 am on December 24th—well, December 25th—her past was currently haunting her, taunting her as she tried desperately to fall asleep. It was a cruel twist of fate: where she once would’ve felt euphoric at being awake at this hour, this Christmas Eve, all she felt was disgruntled, over-tired, and angry. No, wait… not angry. Just sad. Her eyes flicking over to the other side of her bed, ruminating on its unassuming vacancy, she sighed. 

Kai had been distant the last few days. Caught up in their family’s holiday plans, she hadn’t spoken to them much since they’d left for their mother’s house. Sleigh rides and storytime, snowball fights and Christmas lights—apparently their family did it all, leaving Kai with little time or energy to check in with her like normal. Usually, their silence wouldn’t have been an issue—Amelia wasn’t so co-dependent that their occasional absence from her life was entirely soul-crushing—but… 

It was Christmas. 

And Maggie and the kids had been binging Hallmark movies for the last three days. And Ellis had been singing that stupid “Twelve Days of Christmas” song since the start of December. And Nick was a surprisingly good baker, so the whole house smelled like cinnamon—like Kai—and all she wanted was to roll over and pull them closer. To breathe them in and hear their heartbeat in her ears. 

Because it was Christmas. And she wanted the fluff. She wanted the hot chocolate and the marshmallows and the candy cane daydreams. She wanted the lights and the snow and Jack Frost nipping at her nose. Something had changed between this year and last and suddenly Amelia wanted all the things she hadn’t cared about before. She wanted the festivity and the cheer and—them. God damn it, she wanted them…

With a groan, she turned over to “their side” of her bed, nestling her face deep into “their pillow” so she could pretend that it was them. If she were feeling better, she might chuckle at the irony—they seemed to have a knack for “causing her trouble” and “keeping her up”—but alas, all she could muster was a bitter roll of her defiantly closed eyes. Letting her imagination run wild, Amelia laid in uneasy silence until her limbs felt heavy and her mind felt sluggish, condemning her younger self for ever thinking that this experience had felt good… 

BANG!

Her Christmas morning started with a bang—literally—as her door smacked against the wall, Meredith barging into her room only a few hours after she’d finally fallen asleep. 

“Amelia, get up. We’ve got work to do.”

Instinctively, she grunted at her words, burrowing herself further underneath her covers. They’d been doing this for years now—waiting until Christmas morning to stage Santa’s midnight arrival—but never before had she felt less interested in the task, her pessimism and exhaustion still lingering in her bones. Through a puff of annoyance, Meredith reached out and shook her foot. 

“Amelia, I’m serious. We overslept. Nick, Maggie, and Winston are already downstairs, but the kids are going to be up any minute.”

She ignored her again, squeezing her eyes shut to try and return to her previous state of unconscious bliss. She’d been dreaming. She couldn’t remember exactly what of, most of it fleeting and spoken in gibberish, but she did know one thing for sure: Kai had been there. Their smile, their eyes, their hair—they’d been vivid in a sea of shifting scenarios. Their hand had felt solid in hers and their laugh had rung loudly in her ears and if she could just focus hard enough, she might be able to— 

Meredith shook her foot again. “Amelia, come on. It’s Christmas, we’ve gotta get a move on.”

Their ghost disappeared and it felt like a hole had been punched through her chest. Sputtering out indistinct curses, Amelia begrudgingly opened her eyes, glaring daggers at her sister as she indignantly swung her legs over the side of her bed. Bundling a blanket around her shoulders, she was quiet as she followed Meredith out into the hall. Her less-than-spirited attitude awkwardly filling the air, her sister was quick to offer her a half-hearted apology as they passed Maggie’s old room.

“I’m sorry about the rude awakening, but we’ve got to hurry. Plus, Link texted just a minute ago too—said he’d be over with Scout soon.”

“It’s fine,” she muttered, rubbing at her eyes. “It’s not about you.” 

Meredith shot her a concerned look over her shoulder. “Rough night?”

“Yeah,” she exhaled. “You could say that.”

At first, she didn’t respond, the only sound between them being Amelia’s heavy footsteps falling on the creaky floorboards, but then, leading the way down the stairs, her sister asked, “When was the last time you heard from Kai?”

It was uncanny sometimes, Meredith’s strange ability to pinpoint exactly what was wrong with her. Pulling her blanket closer to her chest, Amelia reluctantly grumbled, “The 23rd.” 

“Not even a text?” her sister questioned. 

“Nope,” she clipped.  

Though she couldn’t see her face, the resulting frown was evident in Meredith’s tone. “That’s so unlike them.” 

Amelia sighed as she landed on the ground floor. “They’re just busy. Their family’s apparently big on traditions, so they’ve been running around like crazy for the last week, and… And I know that I shouldn’t hold it against them—that that’s selfish, and it’s their family, but I just—” 

“You miss them.”

Meredith had stopped walking, having turned around to face her. Behind her back, Amelia could see slivers of the absolute disaster that’d overtaken the living room. There were bows and ribbons and scraps of wrapping paper scattered all over the floor. Only a measly handful of gifts had yet to make it under the tree. The stockings were unstuffed, the cookies uneaten. Maggie, Winston, and Nick were all stumbling around one another, trying desperately to hurry up but also failing miserably. Her shoulders deflated at the scene.   

“I do,” she weakly admitted. “I really, really do.” 

Offering her a tight-lipped smile and kind, warm eyes, Amelia let Meredith throw her arm around her shoulders, relishing in the physical comfort.

“I’m sure they miss you, too, Amelia… but it’s Christmas, yeah?” she optimistically suggested. “Today’s supposed to be fun. And I’m sure they wouldn’t want you to be so sad.”

She gave a slight nod of her head.  

“So then let’s go have some fun, alright? Once we get this situated—once Scout gets here—everything will feel a whole lot better, I promise,” Meredith said, her hope moderately uncharacteristic. “And then, after, you can call them, or they’ll call you, and everything will be perfect again. Okay?”

There was another slight nod of her head, and then she was being gently steered toward the living room, greeted kindly by her family as they immediately put her to work. 

Hurriedly packing everyone’s stockings, Amelia tried not to think about how Kai had probably done something similar the night before. Biting into Santa’s cookies and dumping the sour milk, she tried not to picture their niblings surging into their room at the crack of dawn, as she would’ve done when she was a child. Helping Maggie lug a particularly large gift under the tree, she tried not to imagine them still in their pajamas, quietly sipping on a cup of coffee while chaos broke out in their parents’s living room. 

The look on their face every time they opened something they liked; assisting their father in rounding up all the discarded wrapping paper; helping the kids break in their new toys—pushing through every last one of her Christmas morning duties, Amelia tried not to think about Kai at all.

(It hadn’t worked, of course, but at least she could say she tried.)

By the time Link and Scout arrived, the Christmas crisis had been successfully averted; and then, admittedly, everything had gotten a bit easier. 

Still clad in his Santa pajamas, Amelia’s heart nearly burst through her chest as she watched Scout’s sleepy eyes go wide, gasping as he took in Meredith’s new and improved living room. Pressing a kiss to her son’s blond locks, she took him from Link’s arms as he mumbled something about retrieving more presents from his car, carting her boy around the room so he could better inspect the changes. Mere seconds after Link made it back, thunderous feet were stomping down the stairs, Meredith’s children being unintentionally awoken by their cousin’s arrival. Greeting the adults with growing grins and a hunger for their gifts, Christmas was officially underway.  

As the hour beat on, Amelia basked in the spectacle of it all. The children were screaming in glee. Wrapping paper was flying through the air. Everyone was excitedly talking over one another. Holding tightly to the single gift Scout had presented her—a clumsily glued-together ornament he’d made at daycare—she could hardly even remember how heavy her heart had felt before. After an evening wasted wallowing in her own self-pity, she could almost be mad that Meredith had been right: it was all working out.

And then, just as everything was starting to wind down, only a handful of gifts remaining, there was a knock at the door. 

Her brows furrowed at the sound, every adult mind equally confused by who it could be; though they were expecting a few guests later in the day—Lucas would be coming over for dinner, and Teddy and Owen would be stopping by to say hello—neither of them were due to arrive for hours. All eyes eventually landing on Meredith, her sister huffed as she stood to open the door, everyone else awkwardly awaiting her return. Indistinct whispers floating down the hall, she re-entered the room almost as quickly as she’d left it.

“Amelia, it’s for you.”

Her eyes nearly bulged out of her head.

“Me?” she asked incredulously.

“Mhm,” Meredith nonchalantly hummed, returning to her seat.

“But… who is it?” she asked, carefully detaching herself from Scout’s side. 

“Just go and see,” she urged. Amelia raised an eyebrow at the evasive answer, mouthing a silent ‘What the hell?’ as she passed her by. Meredith continuing to feign innocence, she rolled her eyes as she slowly padded over to the door, wondering what in God’s name would be waiting behind it. 

Her jaw dropped to the floor.

There was snow in their hair. It had been sprinkling down all morning and they appeared to be covered in it, a healthy dusting sitting across their shoulders and atop their dirty blonde hair. She could see their breath coming out in little, white puffs, the tops of their ears glaringly red in the winter cold. Despite the weather, though, they looked completely relaxed, casually surveying the neighborhood while they’d waited for her to answer the door. 

She’d never been one to squeal in the past but Amelia found, on this particular occasion, it was a permissible reaction.

“Oh my God!”

At the sound of her voice, Kai turned around. Their smile mimicked the sun. 

“Merry Christmas.”

She couldn’t move. She couldn’t move, she couldn’t speak, just barely could she breathe. For the first time in years, she could feel that pure, unadulterated Christmas joy coursing through her veins, her body paralyzed in overwhelming elation. When she didn’t immediately move to greet them, her eyes the size of dinner plates and her mouth absolutely tongue-tied, Kai’s smile grew wider, their eyes sparkling at the sight of her.  

“What?” they teased. “Not happy to see me?”

It was just the kickstart she’d needed. 

“What?” she gasped. “No. No, no, no, I’m so happy. So, so, so happy.” 

She accentuated her point by enthusiastically throwing herself at them, the force of her hug causing them to momentarily teeter backward. They laughed, wrapping their arms tight around her body while she buried her nose against their chest. Their embrace was noticeably chilly, their fingers like icicles on her back, but she didn’t care: their spirit was warm and that’s all that mattered—well, except for… 

“B-but how?” she stuttered. She pushed away from them just enough to see their face.

They shrugged, still grinning at the sight of her. “I had two weeks off and my car gets excellent mileage. What else was I going to do?”

“You drove?” she shrieked. 

“Yep,” they nodded. “It was fun. I saw the World’s Largest Cow, and this massive penguin statue, and a huge frying pan—apparently not the largest, but still: gigantic.”

“But when did you leave?” she asked.

“Four days ago, just to play it safe,” they answered. Her eyes went wide again.

“Four days?!” she exclaimed. “You mean this whole time—this whole time?! B-but you said you were going to see your family for Christmas!”

“And here I am.”

Their resulting smirk was so self-congratulatory that it was almost gross, but again, Amelia found herself incapable of caring. Their words, their presence, their everything was making her heart do jumping jacks and, really, isn’t that what she’d asked for? When she finally pulled them down to kiss her, her hands tugging at the lapels of their coat, their stupid smile still lingered on their lips and, truthfully, she relished in the feel of it. 

Just as their tongue was starting to get a little more adventurous, any sense of decorum having flown out the window, their bubble of privacy was unfortunately popped. 

“Amelia!”

Her teeth accidentally grazed their lip as she sprung away from them, her head whipping around to follow the sound of Meredith’s voice. They involuntarily yelped and her cheeks turned red when she realized everyone had been watching. 

“You can kiss them with the door closed!” her sister ordered, distractedly trying to open one of Ellis’s new toys. “You’re letting all the heat out.”

Sheepishly, Amelia nodded, staring at the ground as she awkwardly shuffled away from them. Taking their cue to fully step inside, she closed the door behind them as Kai started removing their coat, looking far less embarrassed than she felt. Their smirk had returned by the time their eyes met once more. 

“You bit me,” they whispered.

“Sorry,” she cringed.

“It’s okay,” they shrugged, “you’ll make it up to me later.” The wink that followed was somehow more suggestive and smug than even their smirk had been. Flustered, she chuckled nervously, lacing her arm through theirs and dragging them into the living room. 

As they passed under the door frame, it was like Santa himself had arrived. And Amelia thought her chest had felt full before. 

They were immediately swarmed, Zola, Bailey, and Ellis all yelling over one another as they competed for their attention. Meredith shouting from the background that they should, “At least allow them to sit,” Scout also took an opportunity to bombard them as his cousins walked away, gingerly toddling over to them and then wrapping his arms around their legs. Fondly tussling his hair, they wordlessly picked him up, returning his unabashed grin as they made their way to the couch.

Though they’d missed most of the fun, Kai was no less enthusiastic as the celebrations came to a close. When the kids wanted to show them their new belongings, they listened attentively. When Scout eventually left their lap, they helped clean up wrapping paper. When Link was struggling in toy assembly, they immediately stepped in to assist. They were the first to suggest building a snowman. They fed Scout cookies until he conked out from a sugar crash. They kissed her under Maggie’s mistletoe. 

The morning silently rolling into the afternoon, everything that she’d imagined them doing earlier had come true right before her eyes, and then some. 

The family now scattered about the house, the more capable adults working tirelessly to prepare dinner, she was curled into their side on Meredith’s couch, their arm wrapped lazily around her and a blanket thrown haphazardly across their lap. Across from her, Scout laid peacefully, snoozing soundly with his head resting on their thigh. Meredith’s fireplace was roaring in front of them; Home Alone was playing quietly on the TV; her hands were toying with their free one.

“When do you leave?” she mumbled, her gaze focused on their hand. 

“Well, the lab opens back up on the 2nd, so… The 30th?” they guessed. 

She groaned, nuzzling her nose deeper into their neck. “I don’t want you to go.”

“That’s days away, Shepherd,” they deflected, their grip tightening around her shoulders. “And with it, we can do whatever you want. Sleep in, watch movies, make another snowman with this little guy… Anything you want.”

“Whatever I want?” she questioned.  

“Whatever you want.”

She leaned back just a fraction and pressed a tender kiss to the underside of their jaw. 

“I wanna stay just like this,” she murmured, following the phrase with another kiss. “Right here—” another kiss, “with you—” and another, “forever.” 

When they smiled, she felt it. “Okay then,” they easily agreed. “We’ll start with forever.”