Throw Away The Plan

It was Christmastime in Gotham City. The notoriously crime-ridden city looked as pretty as a greeting card in the bright light of a winter's midday.

The city skyline twinkled under a heavy frosting of snow and ice. Christmas trees and festive garlands were everywhere to be seen, and, naturally, senseless acts of violent crime was at an all time high.

Hartley Rathaway kept his baseball cap pulled low over his face as he watched the third mugging he’d seen that day.

This time it was a young businessman, crossing the street with his head buried in a smartphone. Before he could react, his expensive-looking briefcase had been snatched by a young man wearing the distinctively duo-toned outfits worn by Two-Face’s henchmen.

When the young man went to protest the theft, he was knocked out cold by a punch to the jaw, lying on the street as the other pedestrians merely walked around him.

“We have to do something” he hissed to James Jesse, the acrobat-turned-supervillain looking as inconspicuous as usual in a bubblegum pink parka with orange faux-fur.

“We are doing something, Piper. We’re stopping highly dangerous technology from falling into the hands of a madman” James whispered back "We don't have time to save yuppies from bilateral thugs"

"...firstly, who says yuppies anymore, secondly, what does bilateral even mean?" Hartley asked.

"Aren't you supposed to be smart? Work it out yourself" said James, unwilling to admit he used a cool-sounding word without being able to properly define it.

"Look, I'm no cheerleader for these business-y types, you know that. But these muggings are just cruel and violent, and it's not like the money's going to the needy. It's going to a politician" Hartley wrinkled his nose.

“I agree. These aren’t like our schemes or our cons, there’s no theater, no finesse. This is just brutality and greed” James whispered “But we gotta keep it low-key, Pipes. If we draw attention to ourselves, either Batman will catch on that we’re here and have us express-shipped back to Iron Heights, or worse, he’ll have us declared insane and we end up in Arkham”

“…or, worse, one of the local criminals finds out we’re here. We’ll be made an example of for encroaching on Gotham territory” Piper said quietly, breathing a sigh of relief as Batgirl dropped down from a dizzying height, kneeling to aid the stricken yuppie.

Piper had been willing to risk it all to help the poor man if nobody else did, whether he was part of the bourgeois class or not.

“Let’s just get this over with. I don't like it here" he said, as he and James casually turned around and walked the other way before Batgirl could notice them.

~

The reason that they, two relatively harmless Flash arch-enemies with a strict no-killing rule and more morals than half the Teen Titans, had found themselves in Gotham City was simple.

Weather Wizard had thought with his wand and now they all had to suffer for it.

Contrary to popular belief Central City’s resident team of evil-doers weren’t always one big happy family. But through happy circumstance, the holidays that year had found them all out of Iron Heights, peacefully living together in an unusually homely safe house, and for once nobody actively wanted to murder anyone else.

(Captain Cold might still end up icing The Top, but only as a Christmas treat for himself)

It was all shaping up to be a very merry Christmas for The Rogues.

That was, until Captain Boomerang had returned from a night out drinking with Weather Wizard… without Weather Wizard.

But even then, nobody raised the alarm. Boomerang’s testimony along with everyone knowing what Mark Mardon was like had led the team to assume he’d met a pretty girl and would be indisposed.

These assumptions were correct, as it turned out.

Mardon had stumbled back home the next evening, laughing as he staggered through the front door, somehow still drunk.

“I went all the way to Gotham just to impress this girl. Can you believe it? Oh, it was worth it though” he’d slurred, grabbing onto the front of an unimpressed Captain Cold’s tunic.

“Shower. Sleep it off” The older man ordered, leaving no room for argument.

Mardon had just laughed, about to stumble away before he paused and started patting himself down.

“Uh… where’s my wand?”

The most powerful weapon in Central City was now missing in Gotham City, and if it got found there would be hell to pay.

A) If Joker got his hands on it, The Rogues shuddered to think what he’d do with it.

B) Evidence of Central City Rogues encroaching on Gotham territory (for a booty call or otherwise) would lead to retaliation. Violent, bloody, Gotham-style retaliation.

~

“Why can’t Mardon come get it himself?” James muttered spitefully as he and Hartley trudged down a cold Gotham street.

"Because Mark causes barometers to go nuts in his presence, whether he's using his powers or not. He also causes readings of severe atmospheric disturbances, even when there's clear skies. He's ridiculously lucky he wasn't caught when he was here, he won't be so lucky twice"

“I had plans! I had tickets! I was going to drag a gorgeous redhead to the theater!” James pouted.

“Well I’m sure she’ll be happy to wait” Hartley said calmly.

“You. You are the gorgeous redhead, idiot” James nudged Hartley’s shoulder.

Hartley and James’s relationship had included a lot of platonic flirting on James’s side both before and after Hartley had come out.

It warmed the young Piper’s heart to know that his best friend didn’t care about his sexuality, that it changed nothing.

Even if sometimes it made him pine for the flirting to be less platonic.

“Alright, well in that case you have nothing to worry about. This gorgeous redhead doesn’t mind waiting. We'll simply exchange the tickets for a more optimal session time” Hartley smiled a little “Gorgeous, huh?”

“Come on, you’re a catch” James said.

“Mm, I can see all the men lined up around the block for me”

“Well, you’re also a bit self-righteous and your feet are nailed to a soapbox at all times… and the outfit probably doesn’t help”

“Really? Digger’s always making it clear how incredibly gay it is”

“Not really, it makes you look like a girl- no offense, Pipes. But gay men aren’t attracted to girls” James said it as though making some grand revelation “Try bi”

Hartley snorted.

“I’ll keep that in mind, James. Alright, I think we’re near Mark’s fling’s apartment”

Hartley looked up, blinking a few times.

“That’s not an apartment”

“How wasted was Mark?”

The two exchanged a look.

The Black Mask Club was the last place two supervillains who were keeping a low profile wanted to be.

Everyone in America knew Roman Sionis was a b-list supervillain, not in the league of Gotham's heavy-hitters, but not one to be messed with.

But it was near-impossible for anything to be proven.

So while Black Mask got to commit increasingly disturbing crimes all over Gotham, Roman Sionis enjoyed a public life as a wealthy nightclub owner and disowned scion of the Sionis family.

“Okay, relax, relax. Sionis barely knows us, in fact, he won’t even be there, I bet” James said cheerfully.

~

“Pied Piper and The Trickster, what an unexpected honor!”

“Oh damn it” James groaned, facepalming as Roman Sionis swept towards the two as they entered the club.

“I’m surprised at your daring, we’ve all been getting terribly territorial lately. After Riddler was caught in Star City and Poison Ivy attacked Superman in Metropolis, every member of every criminal underworld in every city is on high alert for encroachment. Especially us Gothamites" he winked.

“Which is pretty hypocritical, you know. The Gothamites decide to start sightseeing around America and now they have the nerve to get territorial?” James complained.

Hartley hushed him quickly.

“Mister Sionis” he said with a sweet smile.

“Roman, please. I must say, you’re prettier than your mugshot” Roman took Hartley’s hand, kissing it.

James ground his teeth, terrified for Hartley’s safety.

...maybe more than a little jealous, too. Say what you will about Roman Sionis, he knows how to wear a suit.

“Roman, one of our… compatriots was here last night, he might’ve taken a girl up to the apartment over this club?”

“You mean my apartment?” Roman asked.

James sucked in a horrified breath, covering his face with his hands.

“Oh my God… Mark had sex in Black Mask’s bed. We’re all going to die” James groaned behind his hands.

“Your apartment… yes” Hartley cringed, sharing James’s sentiment.

“Relax boys, I don’t mind loaning out my room to pretty couples… there’s cameras all over the bed. It’s a fair trade” Roman smirked.

James and Hartley exchanged an appalled look.

“Right… so, Weather Wizard. Tall, black hair, arrogant?” Hartley asked, once he'd emotionally recovered.

“Oh, yes. Him. Of course. I let him slip up there with a very pretty young lady”

“Great. He left his… phone… we just need to search the apartment. Oh, and… look, could we have that tape? Captain Cold doesn’t want any evidence of us Rogues encroaching on Joker territory”

Black Mask smiled magnanimously.

“Your wish is my command. For a price”

James and Hartley gulped.

“This place is infested with rats, perhaps a charming young Pied Piper could help me with that, hm?” Roman grinned ingratiatingly at them both “Get rid of the rats, and I’ll give you that tape and let you search my apartment. Deal?”

He held out a gloved hand.

Hartley shook it.

“Deal”

~

“He wasn’t kidding about the infestation” James shuddered as he looked around the basement of the club.

Rats crawled over every surface, squeaking cheerfully at the newcomers to their little kingdom.

The corners of the room practically moved, the infestation was so severe.

“James, they’re intelligent and beautiful creatures. Be nice” Hartley scolded, tuning his flute “I’ll drive them out painlessly, then set up some little sonic gadgets to keep them out” he explained.

James nodded “Then we just gotta go through the pervert’s apartment and we can leave”

"Exactly. Go on, time me. I bet I can fix this in ten minutes flat" Hartley said with a cheery grin.

James held out his phone, setting a timer.

Hartley was true to his word; the basement was clear of so much as a whisker in the time it took for Hartley to finish performing We Will Rock You.

"Queen, huh?" James commented, watching as Hartley started to set up a series of small audio devices to emit a harmless sonic wave to keep the rats out.

"What can I say, I'm just a good old-fashioned lover boy" Hartley joked, sparing a fond smile at James, who smiled back.

~

Hartley and James had finished their work in record time, waiting anxiously in the club until Roman’s security was done checking the club for rodents.

A guard had just finished whispering into Roman’s ear, he looked delighted with the results.

“Boys, boys, boys. You’ve done a phenomenal job!” Roman was sitting at the bar with a smirking Victor Zsasz “Drinks are on me!”

“Maybe another time, Roman. Could we just get the phone and tape and leave?” Hartley asked, fiddling with his flute anxiously.

“Oh, I completely understand. Nobody wants to start a turf war, least of all me. It's terrible for business. Alright then, come with me” he twirled a key around his finger, standing and leading the way out of the club.

“So, tell me. How do you find it, the gay culture over in Central? Its ups and downs over here, sometimes it feels like no one cares, but sometimes it feels like it’s even more dangerous”

“I didn’t know you were gay, Roman” Hartley said amiably as they ascended a staircase.

“Oh, I’m not” he grinned “I’ll do anything, pretty boy”

James nudged Hartley in the ribs.

“See, bi men like you more than gay men”

“James, shut up” Hartley hissed, even as Roman just laughed the comment off.

Roman opened the door to his apartment with a flourish.

“All yours, boys”

Hartley and James looked around the room, exchanging a wordless look of shock at just how many masks Sionis had displayed all over his apartment.

"Doesn't he just have like... one very special mask?" James whispered. Hartley elbowed his ribs to make him shut up.

“Okay. Where could it be?” Hartley asked hypothetically, heading towards the bed and looking underneath it.

“It could’ve rolled away anywhere, that’s the problem” James added, picking up the cushions of the sofa and peeking underneath them, running his hand along the cracks.

“Rolled? What sort of a phone does your friend use?” Sionis chimed in, leaning against the door-frame of his apartment.

James and Hartley exchanged a panicked look.

“Uh… that was just a figure of speech. It’s very… thin, so it slides around” James smiled ingratiatingly “I’m Italian. Rolled, slid, I get them mixed up!”

“Really? With a name like Jesse?” Sionis looked fascinated, approaching James.

“It’s a stage name, nobody’s coming to see a circus act called ‘The Flying Giuseppe’s’, that’s what Pops always said. My real name is Giovanni Giuseppe” James said chattily, taking the opportunity to distract Roman.

Neither of them knew what they were going to do when they actually found the wand.

All James could think to do was to try and distract Sionis. If Hartley found the wand, maybe he could slip it up his sleeve and claim they couldn’t find the phone, oh well!

“Really? Is it now? My family’s from all over Europe, explorers by nature, I suppose that’s where my fascination in…” James tuned out Roman’s blathering, plastering a vaguely interested smile on his face.

Hartley by that point was crawling around on the floor near the bed, about five minutes away from whistling for the wand in desperation.

“…of course, she died. Fell down the stairs, a real family tragedy. But not one my Uncle Ambrose felt sad about, wink wink, anyway… oh, Piper. Let me save you the effort” Roman suddenly called out to Hartley.

Hartley looked up, just as Roman produced Mardon’s wand from his pocket.

“Looking for this?”

The wand was right under James’s nose, he went cross-eyed keeping an eye on it.

“Sionis… you don’t know how dangerous that thing is, please…” Hartley started to beg, trailing off in shock as Roman simply handed it to James.

“I’ve got no interest in the gadgetry of Central City Rogues. I run a good business and I stay out of metahuman messes. Take the wand, take the tape, and leave” Roman said with surprising warmth.

Hartley breathed a sigh of relief, hurrying over as Roman offered him a USB stick.

“Thank-you, so much. We won’t forget this” he promised, taking James’s arm.

“You’re sure about that drink?” Roman asked casually as he led the two out of the apartment and down the stairs again.

“We really need to get out of here, but Roman… The Rogues owe you one” Hartley said, approaching the front door with James.

Roman just smirked, before swinging the door open.

Hartley’s blood ran cold, James actually let out a shocked little shriek, pulling Hartley protectively behind him.

“I have no interest in the gadgetry of Central City Rogues… but I know someone who does have a lot of interest in it” Roman said with a smile "Come right in, our very special guest of honour for the evening!"

A familiar figure waltzed into the club, his arms outstretched.

“Welcome to Gotham City!” The Joker exclaimed, before cackling with laughter.

~

“Is that drink still on offer?” James asked as he and Hartley were firmly tied down, sitting back to back in two chairs in the center of The Black Mask Club.

“What’s your poison?” Sionis asked, lounging behind the bar.

“Oh, it’s arsenic for me. But JJ here is a little too weak for the hard stuff, all bark and no bite” Joker said, ruffling James’s hair.

“Don’t touch him!” Hartley snapped, terrified for James’s safety.

“Oh, Piper, Piper, Piper… I’ve heard that you’re clever. I must say I’m disappointed that someone clever went through with such a stupid plan. Your sparky friend was lucky to get out of Gotham before he was detected, did you really think you two would get away with pushing your luck?" Joker grinned down at Hartley, twirling Mark's wand between his fingers.

“Look. That wand is… cursed, or something. It messed Mark up, and I’ve never seen anyone use it safely aside from him. Just let us leave with it” James pleaded "We'll never come back to Gotham again!"

Joker laughed, circling the two.

“You know, they say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. But when I look at you, JJ, I just feel sick. Look at you, a harmless little jester to make Kid Flash giggle. You spoil the brand”

“James is nothing like you! Leave him alone!” Hartley said.

“The brand?” James said, confused.

“Clown Princes of Crime, m’boy. You have the look down, but not the attitude- where’s the mayhem? Where are the screams?”

“I’m not a clown. I’m a trickster” James said, leaning back as the Joker leaned in.

“You’ll be a clown by the time I’m done with you, JJ” Joker said with an even wider, yellow grin.

“You know… I’m sure that Sionis has some breath mints behind the bar” James said, pretending to gag.

The Joker chuckled, straightening up.

“Now, let’s see how this thing works…” he said, approaching Hartley again “I’m hoping the results of this look like a rat that’s chewed on an electric wire”

He let out another unsettling chuckle. Hartley shuddered, shrinking back as much as he could in his seat, pressing closely against James.

James’s eyes widened, realising what Joker was about to do.

“No! No! Stay away from him! I’ll kill you! I’ll kill you! If you touch him there will be no safe harbour in the world for you!” He screamed, thrashing in his bonds.

Hartley was completely terrified, and also very flattered. “The Rogues don’t forgive, and they don’t forget. You’ll trigger a gang war that will tear Gotham City apart… oh God…”

He sucked in a horrified breath, realizing something.

“That’s what you want, isn’t it?”

The Joker just laughed.

"What's life without a little chaos? Things have been getting dull around here, let's let all these territorial tensions... spark"

He raised the wand, brandishing it threateningly before…

…nothing happened.

Hartley and Joker both stared at the wand as he brandished it again. There wasn’t so much as a sparkle.

“Eh, it’s not my style anyway…” he said casually, tossing the wand away “But this is…”

He snapped his fingers, and two of his goons marched in, holding canisters with sinister-looking smiley-faces on them.

“In about ten minutes, those canisters will fill this entire building with enough Joker Venom to kill a pack of elephants. Don’t worry, you’ll die with smiles on your face. My little JJ, you’ll finally be a real clown”

Joker laughed again, Hartley lowered his head.

“Woah, woah. That wasn’t the deal- this is my business and my home, your laughing gas shit takes forever to fumigate, and the stench alone…” Roman started to protest.

“Oh, don’t fret so much, Romy-Romy-Romy-kins, you can use some of that cash I gave you to fix the place up” Joker said brightly, patting Roman’s hand as he passed the bar "You give me a turf war, I give you the opportunity to clean up your nightclub"

Roman glared daggers, impotent to do anything about the double-cross.

“Give my love to Robin!” Joker said as he left the building, pealing laughter ringing out as he did so.

“Let us go” Hartley immediately demanded of Sionis.

“…you know, this… really breaks my heart…” Roman feigned cheery nonchalance, even as he scrambled out from behind the bar, skidding to his knees to look at the timer on the canister.

“But there’s simply nothing I can do- say hi to Ratcatcher for me” he ran for it out the doors, Hartley and James could faintly hear him screaming for Zsasz once he made it outside.

“So… is this it?” Hartley stared at the canisters “This is the end for us?”

“Seems so…” James leaned back, the back of his head resting against Hartley’s.

“Look… I need to say something” Hartley finally said, his voice breaking from sheer emotion “I never wanted to say it, I never wanted to risk changing our friendship but-”

“No. No. No. Hartley. We’re not doing this. Shut the hell up” James said quickly.

“Of course, of course. I’m sorry. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable” Hartley sniffed a little bit, a tear running down his cheek.

“We’re not saying I love you and dying, because that’s not happening. We’re going to survive and I’m gonna tell you how much I love you, and then we’re going to fuck right here, right over Roman’s bar, and it’s going to be amazing”

Hartley went silent, his eyes wide in shock.

“I’m not having sex over a bar” was all he could manage to say.

“You’re the most boring gay man I’ve ever met, Piper” James groaned.

“Focus on getting us out, maybe I might reconsider it if I don’t die laughing!” Hartley said with a slightly hysterical, and premature, laugh.

James was extremely intelligent, and a very skilled escape artist, Hartley knew he was their best shot.

“Okay, I’m focusing” James said, leaning his head back.

They were thoroughly tied up, from their ankles right to their shoulders.

“I’ve got it. But you’re not going to like it” James finally said.

“Just get us free” Hartley begged.

“Alright, brace yourself”

James was in near-perfect physical condition. Whilst he wasn’t some muscle-bound brute like Bane, he was still strong enough to rock forwards, getting to his feet and hoisting himself, the chair he was tied to, the chair Hartley was tied to, and Hartley, into the air.

He managed this feat for about three seconds before slamming himself and his load down to the ground, splintering both chairs and dislocating his shoulder.

James screamed in agony as Hartley started to wriggle free.

He had enough splinters to make a matchbox, but he was able to get free.

Leaving a smeared trail of blood behind him, Hartley crawled to James’s side.

“Sit up, that’s it. I’m going to pop your shoulder back in” Hartley said gently.

They were career criminals, they were naturals at it by that point. James nodded, kneeling up and letting Hartley get him into position.

“One… two…” Hartley pushed James’s shoulder back in.

James cried out, before biting his tongue, nodding.

“Thanks Dr. Piper” he said gratefully.

Hartley laughed, before surging forwards and kissing him.

James Jesse tasted like bubblegum, and Hartley could’ve coped with the sickly-sweet taste all day as long as it meant he was still kissing him.

“…as hot as this is, Pipes. I don’t want to die laughing on the floor of the evil trust fund baby’s lame club” James whispered.

“Okay. Okay. Good point. Any idea how to defuse the canisters?” Hartley crawled over to the metal cylinders, examining the countdown strapped to the side.

James leaned in, staring closely at the device, before he offered Hartley a sheepish grin.

“As the kids say, Piper: lolnope. Let’s get out of here” he grabbed Hartley’s arm and pulled him to his feet.

They were halfway to the exit when Hartley paused, pulling away and rushing back to grab Mardon’s wand.

“Oh yeah, I forgot about that…” James said sheepishly.

Hartley laughed, grabbing his arm again and running out the doors of The Black Mask Club with James safely in tow.

~

Joker Venom took the form of a faintly glowing green mist.

It had to be said that if it weren’t for the fact that it was fatal, the glowing clouds of green that now filled Sionis’s club would’ve added to the nightclub atmosphere.

Hartley folded his arms as he stood back to admire the sight.

“Batman will be here soon, you can probably see this for miles around” James warned “We should really go”

“Not yet. I have unfinished business in Gotham City” Hartley said with a dangerous smile.

“Ooh… I wouldn’t want be Roman Sionis tonight” James snickered, before leaning forwards to kiss his boyfriend again.

~

The next morning dawned bright and white, with Gotham City covered in another solid inch of glittering snow.

It also dawned to the sight of Roman Sionis, uncontrollably doing a jig and hammering on the doors of the GCPD.

“Arrest me, arrest me, arrest me! You have to arrest me!” He was begging “I have to keep dancing until you arrest me!”

A yawning Harvey Bullock finally opened the doors, a doughnut in one hand and a coffee in the other.

“…well, you don’t see that every day”

Renee Montoya stuck her head out from around the door, blinking in surprise.

“Arrest you for what?” she finally asked.

“Embezzlement, kidnapping, extortion, blackmail, murder, RICO charges, theft, vandalism, littering, public urination, I don’t care what you nail me for just arrest me!” Roman pleaded, looking like he was in agony “I’ve been dancing all fucking night, I’m pretty sure my feet are bleeding!”

Montoya and Bullock exchanged a look.

“Roman Sionis, you’re under arrest” Montoya finally said. Roman stopped dancing with a relieved sigh.

“I have good lawyers, I’ll be out before Christmas…” he panted a little bit "That ginger Central City queer is going to pay for-"

“Out before Christmas?" Montoya interrupted him "Nah, after this little stunt I think we can have you express-shipped to Arkham”

Roman went pale, looking as though he wished he was still dancing.

~

“Doesn’t the tale of the Pied Piper end with him drowning all the children of Hamelin?” James asked, leaning his head against Hartley’s shoulder as they traveled by express train back to Central City.

“That’s not my style. Anyway, I had to do some modifications to fit the circumstances” Hartley smiled warmly.

“Do you think we need to worry about any retaliation?”

“Well, word on the street is that the Joker is just acting up because his girlfriend left him, and he’s not really sticking to any of his plans. I’m sure he’ll get distracted by something else by lunch today” James cuddled up to Hartley a little more.

"When you say 'the street', your source is...?"

"Oh, Catwoman's a terrible gossip" James said with a laugh.

Hartley pulled out Mardon’s wand, twirling it in his fingers, not unlike how The Joker had (only with more finesse).

“We should get you back to our Wizard” he smiled “After all the trouble you caused us, I’m almost tempted to throw you out the window”

To Hartley and James’s shock, the wand sparked a little at that, almost singing Hartley’s fingers.

“Just kidding! You’ll be back with Mardon before you know it!” James laughed hollowly.

They exchanged a shocked look, before laughing.

“…weird” James continued.

“Central City Weird, our kind of weird. I prefer it to Gotham Weird” Hartley said.

“Oh, certainly. Anyway, I’m not angry at the wand, it brought us together at last, didn’t it?” James smiled before leaning up to kiss Hartley again.

“A wand, a killer clown, and a fairy tale. Our love story sounds like a game of mad libs” Hartley laughed, before James silenced him with another kiss.

“Merry Christmas, my Pied Piper of Hamelin”

“Don’t forget, you still have to pay the piper too, Giuseppe” Hartley whispered, using one hand to stroke James’s hair, and the other to pull down the curtains of the train cabin.

“You wouldn’t need a magic flute to make me follow you into the unknown, never to be seen again. You’d only have to ask” James whispered back.

“This metaphor is getting creepy, James”

“Got it, got it”

“…I love you”

“I love you too”

The train whistled as it sped through a tunnel.

It was Christmastime on an express train traveling between Gotham and Central City, and all was merry and bright.