Hi Welcome To Chili’s

My girlfriend is on a cruise so while she’s gone I’m gonna cut the sleeves off of all my shirts

why

She’s pretty much 85% of my impulse control

me, pressing the side of my head into my cat’s side: you sound like a car… i love you, motor boy

My favorite misunderstanding I’ve had to clear up so far was a Japanese person asking me about the word “fuck”. Because apparently someone had told him if he said “fuck” in America that he might be killed on the spot. Which I think is the funniest lie that I’ve ever heard

damn how brave was he feeling when he asked you that

Thor Ragnarok casually glossed over the fact that the Hulk spent 2 years murdering people for sport

#it be like that sometimes

#rip doug

Just found out there are two Bones in my shin, and two shins on my body. That’s four Bones. Fuck this shit

dude thats not even the worst of it. go look up what your ribs are made of

OK, i will, but I’m warning you if it’s bones I’m gonna be so pissed off

THIS COMPILATION IS ART

the thing about organic chemistry is that you finally get to use all the aesthetically pleasing mad scientist looking chemistry apperatuses that you’ve been waiting to use for years but when u finally get to use them they all turn out to do surprisingly boring things

And you don’t enjoy that? You joyless corn shuck.

AMAZING

-Peter gets hurt in a battle- FRIDAY: Bone Hurting Juice Protocol has been activated - Mr. Parker is in distress. Tony: -stops- He’s what?  The what? Peter: -over the com- Oof, ouch… my bones…

@disparatepeace

Fun story, my cat somehow got a hold of a cherry tomato and was batting it around like a toy. Then she ate the whole damn thing

what’s with all these stories of hundred plus year old vampires falling in love with teenagers like yes they might LOOK your age but you’ve got a few centuries of maturity on them I want vampires falling in love with 40 year old suburban housewives and business executives and preschool teachers not high school students

vampires falling in love with spry 90-year-old great-grandmothers

earlier this year 2 boys got expelled from my school for going on a teachers email and sending another teacher an email that says “you’re a disgusting little man” and i laugh about it all the time because imagine opening an email from your coworker and thinking it’s important and then it says that

today my gf said “when donkey asks shrek what his name is, shrek pauses before he says shrek, and i’m convinced he came up with it on the spot.” we weren’t even talking about shrek. i can’t stop thinking about it or about how lucky i am to be with her