being born into a religious brown Muslim family as the only daughter carries a kind of weight that is difficult to explain to people who have never lived it. there is pressure in every direction… pressure to obey, to protect the family’s reputation, to get married, to fit into expectations that were decided for you long before you were old enough to understand them. sometimes it feels like there is no space left for me as a person outside of what is expected of me as a daughter.

all of this started because i mentioned my want to travel to the USA, to see my partner who has already visited me twice in my country. to my parents, im just visiting a friend. i understand my parents’ fears. i understand the culture we were raised in and the religious values that shape the way they think. i understand why my partner wants me there too, to meet their family, their friends, to experience their world the same way they have experienced mine.

but nobody seems to understand the position i am trapped in.

i do not have the heart to leave my country and travel across the world without my parents’ blessing. at the same time, i carry this constant guilt that i am hurting my partner by not being able to give the same effort they have given me. it feels like i am stuck between two worlds, and no matter which side i choose, i lose something i deeply love.

my father has not spoken to me in weeks. my mother and i cannot seem to meet each other halfway anymore. the silence feels so heavy. every conversation feels tense before it even begins and even though part of me feels calmer when i am away from my parents, i still cannot imagine stepping onto a plane while knowing my mother is angry or hurt because of me. my parents are still my world, even through all the pain.

people think arguments with parents eventually pass, but some words stay inside you forever. i have never truly been the same after the fights i have had with them. they have never had to experience what it’s like to have a fight with my parents. what it’s like inside my head and my heart. pieces of me remain wounded long after everyone else moves on.

every day feels like a battle between love, guilt, religion, culture, and my own dreams. i feel suffocated by thoughts i cannot fully say out loud because i am terrified of disappointing everyone around me. i am tired of feeling like my existence is a constant negotiation between being a good daughter and being a good partner.

sometimes the pressure becomes so overwhelming that it feels impossible to breathe.

i do not want to hurt my mother.

i do not want to hurt my partner.