FUEL2MYSOUL

Would you drink poison just because you are dying of thirst knowing the venom spreads through out your body ? Why is something that seems like tragedy becomes clarity ? We chase our lives for the answers we so much seek , we pray and plead with GD and make deals for a sign , a path , a hint anything to set us straight , we spend our lives feeding ourselves lies to make it “ok “ and keep us on the straight and narrow but yet we also spend our lives to find Anything to make us feel, smile , and feel Alive . That “venom “ is energy flowing through our blood , our body and soul tell us it’s right and want more , but yet we are still denied . Because we have to keep straight and not fall astray .

What if the real poison is our lies we keep telling ourselves to keep us coddled and safe ?

I finally get to say my goodbye . All these years , tears , happy moments, lost hopes , lost dreams , testaments and counted fears . I wanted to write to you . My life was formed around escaping you . I busied my mind , I closed my eyes, I silenced my thoughts , I forced my heart and buried my soul . I chose to look away , numbness can’t feel , I hear , I see , I breath . I stopped praying , because its contempt numbed me . I try to rise but you make sure to keep me down . I give in , I will stay down. Please grant me euthanasia

I am done . I give up . I surrender.

Life is not meant to be lived this way . I accept

Is it the limitations of my mind of the soreness of the hole . I can’t live like this alThe way home . I see his eyes and his soul . I want to tear my self apart for condemning my soul . Condemning my self to safety , to lie and breath but choke

There’s no way out as I keep falling in to the same hole . Where is GD ? He disappeared. He held a knife to my chest and carved my soul out . Nothing is left

How can you be so blind to pain and expect love

You create the world new everyday . I turn to you , to stand by me , hold me from the pain . I feel so sad and alone . I’m trying to grasp to any life jacket around me . I grasp my friends , they appear as ghosts because I have no more to pour. I turn to my other half , he’s no where to be found . Missing for years almost non existent. My extensions , to busy in their minds . My reflection alone and scared . GD you are the lat one standing always have been , so I am turning to you . Help me !! Help us work through this pain . It keeps coming up . I see in the end all I have and need is you . Help me . I need you to hold me and guide me in your path . Words don’t phase me , people chase me and I let them bleed me dry . All I need is you GD . I accept this pain because it’s meant to teach me something . Please help us !! im throwing it to you . It’s your problem to fix. I’m doing it different . Help guide me to peace and to elevate your name . This is now your pain . Please GD give me the tools and clarity to move forward and grow and elevate your name

You took my heart , you broke my soul , you drowned my energy and heightened my pain . Like a surgery with out lidocaine . You want me to survive and breath on choking air . I have no life jacket . No love , no heartbeat , I feel unalived . You test me and crave my failure so we can become close . I am dying inside but no feelings come to me . I don’t feel , I’m numb . I feel myself slowly drowning .what do you want ??

I feel tears pierce my eyes and thoughts drowning in sleep . Holding on to what I can . Anything to keep me a float . My one life line you took it away . I don’t have the will or the courage to go on . Even my anger is gone

I can’t hold on to it anymore . It’s not there . Loneliness and emptiness take over . No one sees my blank stare , my fake laugh , my act that I put on . I continue acting as it consumes me while I die inside and no one sees . Not at home , not below nor above . GD why do you have a deaf ear ? Is it so unfathomable to you to save me ? Is my soul so tainted that I am unredeemable

Do I not deserve to smile and laugh and have a hint of love ? If this is your will , so be it . I accept it . 37 years I fought, I prayed , I tried . Today I give up to you .

Let go

I thought I found you , I thought I found my forever home. A connected soul with a mission . I believe Gd created a path . A path for you and I to share , to walk , to grow, to embrace and share a pride , to bear burdens .. how lucky was I , Gd showed me , to learn from you be around you , mentored by you . I repaid you with trust , growth and most of all my loyalty . you looked me in the eye and sold me your biggest lie. You broke my heart in to a million pieces but shattered my soul . Never ever would I have ever thought. The one person I TRUSTED , would be the one person who would greatly betray me. I bet on you , when I should have bet on my self.

I should have sold you , but I couldn’t sell my soul because that would mean you and I are alike… GD brought us to the same path….. You played on my emotions , manipulated my fears and weakness to carry your agenda . You became cold like ice and burnt me inside . you stole what you can to build your next lie …..when I dropped the veil ,,,, your eyes remained the same.

The path has taken a turn…. I see through the fog , you sell the world with your poison to get your high , when you fall , you swear on your soul to do better and pray to GD to get the venom out and show you the way… I fell prey to your game , I bought in and TRUSTED you bec I believed we were the same , the fool that I am… I prayed to GD about to change your ways

He showed me in fact your addiction never went away… A different game , a different high , a different stake ….but always the same selling lie….. close your eyes and sell your lies , maybe if you repeat it enough times you will believe it to numb your non existent guilt .

You end here , you used me , lied to me and I understand why ….. this why I need to let go …because you and I are not the same . I choose my piece of mind . I choose my soul ….I fell prey , but that was GDS way… your eyes remain the same , your act is in tact. Soon you will be back to plead with him and change your ways , only to start the cycle and have other fall prey .

He has shown me our path .. he has also revealed the truth . I need to move on and let go ..i know you aren’t malicious but broken and fake.. you wear a costume and quote holiness to justify your greed and selfishness . So here is one for you …. When you go down the deep dark pain , that hole you always come back to and ask GD why so much trials and tribulations in your life ……bec you in fact never changed your ways .. you just got more deceiving … more toxic , you build people-only to take , you manipulate and leave destruction in your path to feel the very venom you ask GD to heal you of. Your eyes have never changed , your lies were always the same . Now I am just clear

I am done

Thank you for showing me all the red flags . Thankyou for showing me that trust is CHEEP , thankyou for showing me what addiction is , mostly thankyou for bringing me closerto GD and reminding me the he in fact runs the world , Now that our paths have crossed . I will be burning this bridge .. one day in the near future I will move past you and you will be nothing more than a memory and a lesson learnt , while I will always be the best potential that you lost. While your eyes remain the same .. and your greed takes over and you become this ugly lie , this fake… you may copy and take what’s not yours but you will never capture my soul . I no longer need to understand the ending I choose to rise above the ending , my elevation is my closure , my certainty , is MY PEACE

Maybe our intensities are our truths . Maybe our intensities are our clarity . Maybe our emotions is us being level headed and if in fact it is . I need out . I’ve had 37 years , moments of beauty , moments of short lived happiness , intense pain , disappointment, chasing faded emotions and never achieving peace . I’ve achieved some things but my soul , my heart are gone . There is no purpose here . For me . I’ve saved maybe some souls. Death isn’t the answer but non existence is key . I need to fade away and close my eyes and just disappear in to non existence. I can’t fit in and I can’t change . My thoughts drown me , my sleep chokes me . My eyes blind me . Salvation is not near . Humanity is a disappointing feel. They burn you alive , use you . Maybe that was my crime and this is my sin, holding on . There is no after this . There is no more . My intensity is my truth . This is a mistake , all of of it

I thought I found you . I thought I found my home . A connected soul . I believe GD created a path . A path for you and I to walk . To bear burdens , to grow , to build upon and most of all to fall back upon . A soul mate to touch each others lives and understand our pain . I thanked GD everyday . I felt so lucky to know you , learn from you , be around you . I trusted you , I was loyal to you . You broke my heart in to a million pieces . Never ever did I think the one person I thought I trusted would be the one person I had to be careful of. You played on my emotions , manipulated my weakness to carry your agenda . You became cold like ice and burnt me inside . Took what you can to build your next lie . You sell the world with your poison to get your high. When you fall , you swear on your soul to do better . Plead to GD show you a way . You close your eyes and pray . I fell prey to your game I bought in and trusted you because I believed we were the same . The fool I am , I prayed to GD above to change your ways . Then he showed me , Your addiction never went away . A different game , a different high. A different stake , but it will always be the same lie . Close your eyes and sell your lies . Maybe say it enough times till it becomes real. But for me , YOU END HERE . You used me. You lied , you made me your enemy and I will never understand why . This why I need to let you go , because you and I are not the same . I broke my cycle and I choose my piece of my mind . You have never broken your addiction. I fell prey and this was GDS way . He has shown me our path , but he has also shown me the truth . I need to move on and let go . I know you aren’t malicious and Deep down you are in pain and you’re broken . Just remember when you ask why you endure so many trials , so many challenges . You never changed your ways . You build people only to take . You manipulate and destroy : I’ve figured out your game .

But im done . Thank you for showing me all the red flags , thank you for showing me not to trust . Thank you for showing me what addiction is , most of all thank you for reminding me that GD runs the world and whether it’s today , tomorrow or after 120 .We will all have to answer to HIM . I hope one day in the near future I will move past you on to something better and you will be nothing but a terrible memory , a lesson learnt .

You can’t see behind my smile , behind my lies . The way I make you laugh and carry you alive . I shelter you from pain you feel and cries you battle because I understand the pain of tears . I see through you and I save you . But you have no idea of the pain underneath my skin . The battles beneath my brain and the struggles in every breath I take . I smile but slowly break deep inside . The tears I shut out just flow in my face and burn me slowly deep alive . But there is no one in the end . Absolutely no one who sees me , feels me me , understands me or anyone who can heal me . I was born and to live alone and die alone . All I ever wanted was love and warmth . I was born to to feel and heal . But blind everyone to my pain . Bury me alive because I don’t want to feel . I removed my heart long ago. It went wrong . I removed the Joy , the hope , the dream . But I never removed the pain it’s still there and always be be . I was born alone and will die alone.

Bury me alive but remember my memory . My battle , my time , me saving you . The way I made you smile , the way I made you heal , the way I made you laugh , the way I made you forget . I healed you inside and made you forget your pain . Even for a small moment . Life is made for some people to live and for some people to struggle . My battle is withdrawn . I give in . Pain you win !!