- keep on flourishing

mcmaseface:

PRIVATE: 

It doesn’t have to be this way, Katherine. Just… I don’t know. Why can’t you just treat me as a friend?

We are friends, albeit oddly connected ones at that. I’m just a tense bitch sometimes, what’s new. 

Technically I am a woman right now.

Fuck you, Katherine. I actually really like your family and I actually really like you. I’m honestly just trying to make sure you’re okay. Don’t be a fucking asshole about it. And I get paid way more than a hundred dollars.

I just don’t want to talk about my family anymore. Ever. We’re done. Maybe it’s because I’m in my fucking sister’s body, but this convo is way too close to home. 

Oh yeah? When was it then, huh?

No offense, but of course i’m going to worry about you. It’s my job to worry about you and like everyone in the house.

It’s-... You know, I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to ask a woman about her sex life. Sex life, weight, age, all off the table. 

Yes, it’s a thing. We don’t wipe the tip of our penis after we urinate. There’s a rule. After using a urinal you’re permitted to remove any excess urine off by shaking your cock twice. Three times you’re just having a wank.

But why not just wipe? It seems so much easier and less jack off-ish. Ugh, this conversation is the closest thing I’ve had to an interrogation since this shit show started and it’s liberating. 

Are they? Because you seem tense about 99.9% of the time. It’s like you haven’t had an orgasm in years.

Well you know how your family works, Kat. Nothin’ gets in the way of the family business. Seems a bit shitty, but I know better than to open my trap.

Excuse you. It most certainly has not been years since my last orgasm, okay. Just because I don’t let my labia blow in the breeze doesn’t mean I’m not getting laid. Totally not the case. 

@roxiejones: what is that?

@fuckyoukatherine: uhh to be exact

What can I say? I’m always hungry. What I do in my spare time is none of your business but I’ll just say that the optimal place to get sunshine is, in fact, a windowsill and not a beach.

Ew. Let’s not talk about it. Why is that the first thing you think of? I don’t even think of that and I’m the one who has to live with the unfortunate circumstances of my birth.

I understand being down to chow but I haven’t even been able to take a bite since this mess started. Let me guess, curled up with a Nancy Drew book? 

Well, that’s the main difference between a man and a woman! Everyone’s out here slutting around since the switch, don’t judge me too much. 

Sounds like you need some better sex experiences then, babe.

Well I mean, you’re the one who chose the career you did, Kat, that’s not anyone’s fault that things get awkward.

My escapades are fine, thank you very much. 

I’d like her better if she was an actual stack of smoke. I do love a good barbecue. The shadows and the brooding aren’t mutually exclusive, you know. I brood outside of the shadows as well.

I don’t know. I was taking a nap and woke up like this. Perhaps whatever did this didn’t consider me a human, which…. is oddly flattering. I’d have hated to wake up busty and blonde.

So glad everyone’s magically switched bodies and you’re concerned with eating a hot dog. Really? Shocking. Somehow I’ve never pictured you basking in the sunlight or laying out on a beach. 

At least we can agree on something because the idea of waking up not blonde and with a flopping dick between my legs is terrifying. Running towards gunshots? Fine. Showing up to a gala wearing last year’s style? Fine. Attempting to pee out of some... Some flaccid cucumber shaped stick of skin I literally cannot. Lets not even get started on talking about how many times I would have sat on or smashed my balls by now. 

What’s wrong with your body? Looks the same to me. Loud, blonde, offensively average.

First of all, my sister is a straight smokestack so stay in your own lane with those average comments. Sorry we can’t all be brooding in the shadows with a permanent scowl. Also how the hell did you get out of this mess? 

Because it’s sex and sex is great.

The only dirty details you’ll get from me is what goes on inside the bedroom of your relatives which I highly doubt you want. I’m here for their stressful days of business, babe, you know that, to help them relax.

Debatable. I’ve had trash hookups with some guy named Chad in the basement of Sigma Apple Pie before, wouldn’t recommend. My college days are triggering as hell.

@nicosuaves: not anymore! i found somebody to do it for me!

You’re right, that was super insensitive of me. I’m sorry. You spent good money on those shoes and you def deserve to wear ‘em and flaunt ‘em. All the craziness is just getting to me. I swear I’m not usually so rude. Okay but the eyebrow problem, I literally draw in my usual eyebrows every day because they’re like non existent but these ones are so much thicker and I just made them waaaay too big, way too dark. Whatever. If you don’t love me at my bushy beaver, you don’t deserve me at my fleaking eyebrows.

You weren’t rude, I’m just about to hit my Kim K. diamonds in the ocean point but it’s fine. 

There’s a million more things that are interesting. I’m a musician, a sex god and I work for your family.

How can you even think about sex when you’re in a different body. I’m shuddering. Maybe it’s because I’m currently sporting Ginny but I can’t even imagine. I didn’t hear that, thanks. Though this, as someone else, is probably one of the few times I can know the illegal details