NO

La semana que viene viajo con los viejos al campo. A mirar las vacas del vecino a cortar ramitas para el fuego. Leer, mucho leer espero.

Ayer cociné para mi familia y les gustó mucho

Quiero pensar que ese fue el final de la película, un final triste pero con nosotros en la cama consolándonos y sintiendo lo mismo. Después no se que pasa y después estoy aca pidiendole que me mande la plata, que es mi unica conexión con esta versión de él.

Voy al dentista, voy a la dermatóloga, me voy a Uruguay, remodelo mi cuarto, pinto mil paredes hago mil agujeros cuelgo mil cuadros y estantes. Compro billetes de lotería. Compro facturas agua y fiambre, esquivo los baches con el carrito de las compras, leo las noticias, acaricio a Chani. Me deshago de la mayor cantidad de cosas posibles relacionadas a el, reemplazo mi ropa, considero borrarme un tatuaje y hacerme 5 más.

No se bien quien soy, no dibujo y no me masturbo hace mas de un mes. Camino por horas mirando cosas y hablando con gente para sentirme normal. En el barrio todos son mas amables y sus bordes son redondeados. Camino al lado del transa, al lado del brujo, al lado de la piba que se puso un local de ropa, al lado del vecino que gritó conmigo los goles.

Estoy bajando de peso y sintiendome mas normal. Siempre que subi de peso fue gracias a el, por comer juntos. Pero al pararme en el espejo sentí que ese cuerpo me recordaba a el. Ahora unas semanas después, mi cuerpo se parece mas a lo que siempre fue y me siento mas yo misma aunque voy a verme menos saludable.

Ya voy sintiendo como mi mente entra en el proceso de depresión. Me molesta hablar con gente, me siento juzgada y paranoica, resentida, enojada. Me siento muy sola y a la vez bajo una gran presión invisible. Mi sistema nervioso esta destruido creo yo.

In the end he did fit in a single box, although it's a heavy one. It did feel like I was burying someone, I made the mistake of reading small parts of some of his love letters. "My eternal love". How can someone love that much and then one day want you out of their life without giving a good reason? If he was still here he would have messaged me. I don't know him anymore.

I went out with C and M. I thought it would be a great idea but as the date approached I changed my mind. I felt like shit tonight. I think they had fun, I don't know anymore, I can't figure out people. I don't know what they really feel or if they care about me or not.

They said they had a good night but the conversation was shit. M was on her phone the whole night, I'm trying to help her and she only talks about some guy, I remembered this is why we had that big argument. She used to come home and talk about some man. She is so fucking paranoid and talks just like she did 15 years ago. The same gestures and references after 15 years, makes her look and sound older but that's what happens when people struggle. I hope I'm not the same I hope I matured but I don't really know.

At home too, I forgot how hard it is for people to listen to me. And it's so hard for me to talk but I really feel like they don't give me a chance, like the only way to say what I feel is to interrupt them. It has always been like this I feel like nobody wants to know me they just want to talk.

He used to listen to me and it took me so long to get used to it. To ranting about something dumb and having someone care about it and even ask to know more. The back and forth, having a fucking conversation, that's all I want.

I tried to erase J the best I could. It was easier because he never gave me gifts, it was even cringe worthy to admit that the box where I put his objects was so tiny, and that half of those objects weren't even a gift he made, just things that reminded me of him. Took me a lot of years but eventually I threw away the box with the content, just saved whatever was useful.

This time I can't do this. He gave me so much. He is everywhere, I'm just glad I didn't get a tattoo. I will try to box him if the gift is too painful to see, but it will be very hard because we were so bonded together, for a long time we were as one, and everything reminds me of him. I myself remind me of him, and I know his own passions in the future will represent me because I exposed him to them.

I don't want to throw him/everything I have to the trash. I really wanted to leave a pile of gifts in his house, then I remembered his ex doing the same. I felt bad for her, I always did, I felt like doing the same would be unfair to her somehow. I have to accept that he was part of me for 9 years.

The house looks like my life exploded. The living room, the stairs, the hallway, the laundry room, the front yard, my belongings are everywhere because I don't have a space to place them yet. Today my nephew's baby played with toys that F gifted me. It was like a horror show to me, objects that hold profound meaning and memories were taken from one of my boxes and thrown all over the floor, even the adults played with them without thinking much.

This is also something I must learn. That I don't have control over my narrative. I'm like those toys. Just because I'm in an unexpected situation it doesn't mean I will break. I picked up the toys and put them in a box again. I will find a place for the useful things, throw and give away what I don't need, I will try to have less of everything and make my life smaller. I think I already have what I need, I am capable of love and I can prove it.

People make a sad and even pained expression when I tell them the story, I'm neutral and repeat the same words he said and the words I said. I'm telling everybody. They all look away or say it's harsh. In a way I feel like I can see the way other people would react if they were there in my place, they tell me "if I was you I would have..." So it kinda feels like the same scene is repeated many times, and each person I talk to is an alternative route that I could have taken.

During that week I was only crying and cooking and cleaning. Had to take my mom to the hospital. Had to feed the pets and clean after them. Mom was pretty bad so I couldn't talk to her. The cats peed on the trash bag that contained my clothes.

The following sunday I met with the dnd group. Cried while driving. I was sad and had a huge allergic reaction to the cats so I couldn't talk and I didn't participate. Had a huge migraine, the entire afternoon is a blur. At one point I said I would leave and N asked me if I wanted to lay down for a bit. I just started crying in front of everybody.

The bed was really soft and comfortable, it was a small room where F sleeps when he wants to be alone. He came to the room and sat on the bed in the dark and we talked about everything. He was incredibly supportive. Said that some people just can't understand something if they don't experience it and depression is one of those things. Said I did the right thing and he will help in anything he can, and told me I will be okay and I can go and hang out with them whenever I want. Out of a drawer he took a gun and said just in case and put it in his pocket. I spent the night there, just watched videos in the dark, enjoying some loneliness and a bed. It felt amazing, the migraine slowly faded but it was extremely painful.

The first week I starved.

M came home and helped me. She took me out for a ride on her bike and we bought some delicious stuff, including a cinnamon roll. She has been taking care of me a lot. I showed her some Gantz episodes and she went crazy. We are watching Mob rn and she loves it and it makes me happy.

I went to my last ceramics class. I returned the car.

Stomach still hurts.

M started talking with me. She is back somehow, B broke up with her. She has nothing left. We met next Sunday. F left me a lot of money, I hated it but I need it. I have nothing.

Met with M and went to china town. She is learning how to cook so I bought her a bunch of stuff. It was actually really nice. I felt good.

Walking around the neighborhood I feel good. People are so kind and having fun and joking around. Makes it feel like the city never existed, or is part of an alternative universe.

Everything is so different. We all are poor. I don't have to worry about the taxes and rent and count the money he spent on me.

I don't have to worry about sex anymore.

I don't have to worry about the shame I feel for my illness.

I don't have to worry about marriage. About him hating living with me in the future. About the huge desire to own a house. About travelling. I can be unhappy without feeling like I'm hurting someone. I must remind myself that this year was torture and I'm finally free from it.

I don't want to think of the last 9 years. If I stay angry I won't be so sad. If I think about the happy moments I just want to call him and beg, to show up and scream and hug him. It's so heartbreaking that I don't know when he have me his last sincere kiss or hug. I hugged him with love until the final moment. I didn't get my final hug, a hand on the shoulder, a kiss. After the conversation I could only laugh at him and escape. I never saw him again.

The uber driver was funny, listened to the whole story. Said that kids are natural and an instinct you cant shut down. That bad things happen and it's normal, bad luck or good luck doesn't matter, you just have to fix it and continue knowing bad things will continue to happen. He was too sincere and it scared me. When I got out of the car with my trash bag he looked at me and said hey can I give you my number? I shook my head and gave a pathetic smile and said no thank you, I can't do it. I didn't have the energy.

This weekend is the end. We get the truck and I will get all my things. Books, clothes, furniture. I asked him to leave again and he said he would be away but if I ever need him he will be there for me. I didn't reply. I'm glad that he isn't here.

I hate it. I'm not ready for any of this. I don't want to do anything I just want to go back. I want him to take me again. To change his mind and go back to normal.

I know I will cry so much while packing, I will hate every second. After that I will never speak or see him again. The final connection will be gone.

I learned a lot about myself. I want to change too, even more. I want to be better. I know I did my best so it's fine. I won't take the blame for this.