UNSENT LETTERS: PART TWO ; THE GIRL IN THE MIRROR.
I know we aren’t really on speaking terms anymore because I left you open faced in the rain nearly three years ago, but I never forgot about you. You were once my only friend, the only thing that made me feel completely safe about where my head was at. In reality I never found myself, I lost myself and that’s why I need you. I needed to just let my thoughts out on a page whether or not it makes me feel secure again. Our last chat if you remember was when I was in love and stupid enough to keep thinking alcohol or abusing drugs, basically wishing I was going to catch a break from my sad ass life. I never knew it would last even this long.. My dad of all people cried when I fell from my graces, he cried. A man that I had never seen shed one tear in my life cried when I fucked up so hard. Do you know how shit that made me feel? He doesn’t talk to me much anymore, my mom’s gone and the only people I have are parents who pay me to teach their kids tennis. Mishka my mom is the one I miss the most though, how is it possible to miss a woman who quite literally made my life a living hell? I’m figuring that out.
I want to be honest and just say that everything that’s happened to me, hasn’t been easy for me to cope with. Everyone thinks I’m a bitch or “ the town slut “ , you know that? I’ve started to think they’re right, I haven’t been honest about how I feel about a lot of things and a lot of people for that matter. I can’t help that I’m shy or insecure that’s just who I am, it doesn’t make me an automatic bitch because I don’t like to talk all the time. In the end I don’t want this all to feel like a distant memory or like a dream I had. I want it to feel real, I just want it to go so far that I’m not that memory I’ve almost become in the back of people's minds. Maybe they wanted me gone though, maybe it would be better if I’m on the other side not in the way of everything. I’m just afraid I’ll never be happy with what I have because I don’t really know what I want anymore.
Maybe I just need some sleep to clear my head or maybe I just need to get the hell away, I feel stressed out of my mind. You know how stress makes me feel? I feel like ripping my hair out and screaming at the top of my lungs until they burst. I’m so frustrated, why can’t I change? I thought all this time I was better, but I think denying all of my shitty thoughts that are running through my mind makes all of it worse. The anxiety, the loss of sleep, and all that shitty alcohol that I thought would make me feel better inside. I thought it was behind me, the demons within myself are haunting me again and I have nothing I can do about it. How can I fucking change? What on earth can I do to make all these feelings of not being worth it wash away like the stars when the sun rises in the morning sky. This isn’t a call for help, it’s a hope that I can get better again. I can’t talk to anyone about it anymore because I just know they wouldn’t understand, they’d all say the same thing. “Sage you’re just overthinking it, you’ll be fine in the morning just get some rest.” What if I go to sleep and never see the light of day again, do you know how fucking scary that feels? Its scarier than any feeling I’ve felt.
I don’t even know if I believe I’m alive anymore, am I just a dream? Am I a fragment of someone's imagination like a character in your favorite novel or movie, just another girl made of paper and pen? Someone who isn’t meant to even feel, but I so damn want to. I want to feel like my world is spinning faster than my head and my heart is pounding more than the faint sound of drums in my ear. I want something that's real.
A person gave me that feeling a few times, he was like nothing I would have ever expected. He made the taste of burning alcohol in the back of my throat feel sweeter, the thousands of cigarette butts on the ground look like a field of gorgeous flowers, and most of all he made me feel real. Whenever I was around him it was like I wasn’t awake. His smile was brighter than an entire room of illuminating light. The way he looks at me is like I’m the only person he sees, I wish he knew he was the only one I saw. It didn’t matter though, not anymore because he doesn’t feel that way about me. He just thinks I’m her friend and if that’s all I can be I don’t care, I want to be around when he’s at his worst and stay forever to keep him at his best.
I never liked relationships though, not because I didn’t want one, but because I had never had a good one. I want it with him though, in fact I crave it. When he touches my skin the feeling is like a supernova of colors and ultraviolet rays are blinding me. But you know I’m such a flake though, I always tell people to be honest about their feelings, but I can’t be with him. If he found out I liked him, and could eventually in a short amount of time even love him, I’d be at risk of losing his fire. HIs fair skin and the way he looks at you like you’re his world. The way he laughs when he’s so happy and his eyes roll back into his head right before they crinkle at the sides when he closes them. Everytime he touches me I think of that 1975 song when they say I don’t want to be your friend, I wanna kiss your neck. Even if I never build up the courage to tell him what it was I felt, I don’t want it to be over and I know it never really began, but in my heart it's so real. I have to stop thinking about him, it’s not good for me, it would never work out and I totally know that and especially now with what I’ve done.. I’m losing this fucking game again.
He’s a glimmer of hope though that I can be happy again, like fully and completely happy about my life. But no matter how hard I try he’s always out of my league, like he’s not even in the same realm as me. I could look as far ahead of me as my eyes will go and I wouldn’t even see him. I remember my grandpa always telling me, “ Sage, no matter how many coins you toss in the fountain, if it’s not meant to happen it won't happen. “ I try not to push my luck looking for relationships anymore, I think they should just come to you and hit you straight on like a freight train.
I guess me turning into a star and being truly myself ends up like this, people hating your guts for being something you can’t control, trying to change that and it ends up hurting your insides, or just living and breathing even when you know you’re losing everything. I just want it to end I can’t sit around waiting for it to fucking crumble at the snap of someone’s fingers, I could take matters into my own hands, plan it and it’s done. I don’t know how to feel anymore? I just don’t know..
Anyway stay cool princess.
Your better and far more intelligent self,
