Disgusting

That’s some top quality advice.

- flinch away when someone touches you.

- panic when you accidentally break an object.

- get scared when someone walks behind you.

- feel your heart rate increase at every sudden noise.

- are easily panicked by slightly-louder-than-normal sounds.

- stare apprehensively at your bedroom doorway for hours at night.

- have trouble making eye contact with people.

- always feel either too mature or too immature for your age.

- simultaneously crave and be terrified of physical contact.

- flinch away when someone touches you.

- panic when you accidentally break an object.

- get scared when someone walks behind you.

- feel your heart rate increase at every sudden noise.

- are easily panicked by slightly-louder-than-normal sounds.

- stare apprehensively at your bedroom doorway for hours at night.

- have trouble making eye contact with people.

- always feel either too mature or too immature for your age.

- simultaneously crave and be terrified of physical contact.

Part of being touch starved is that you both really really want to be touched with affection, but you also really don’t want anyone to fucking touch you; mostly because you don’t think you’re deserving or worthy of that affection. 

You want to touch, but it can’t be someone you don’t kinda trust, and you’re afraid to ask let alone do it because it fucking sucks when someone belittles your needs or thinks it’s silly, or worse, thinks it’s pathetic

like you’ve gone so so long without the touch you need that you are just desperate for it

but you feel stupid for asking, for needing it, so you usually don’t

which makes you need it more, because it’s like every day you don’t get nice touches the problem gets exponentially worse

and someone touching YOU is like heaven… but if you ask for that, it’s gonna nibble at your brain that it’s artificial, that they don’t really mean it, that they’re just humoring you

and it doesn’t get better in days or weeks or months, because it didn’t get that bad to begin with in days or weeks or months

and the literal WORST thing is someone scorning you for touching them, even though it’s perfectly within their rights to not want to be touched, it is just devastating to the psyche to have someone that you care about enough to want to touch get angry or disgusted or annoyed at you touching them

like

I just want kisses down my spine, on my forehead, someone nuzzling into me, someone hugging me so tight it’s hard to breathe, petting my hair, scratching my head, idly rubbing my back

I want to hold someone, hug them with all my strength, bury my face into their clothes and skin and hair, kiss someone all over, touch them everywhere and do it over and over, run my fingers through their hair, play with their hands and kiss their knuckles and the veins on their wrists

and it hurts, like, I get physically ill if I don’t get touch when I have those moments I desperately need it but feel too afraid to seek it

it doesn’t even really have to be sexual, or romantic

I just like touch.

And I haven’t had enough of it from the people I loved.

So now it’s kind of like a condition. Touch-starved.

Growing up in North America is surreal.  Every tiny little blip of physical affection is deemed as sexual interest. Boys aren’t allowed to hug eachother because “that’s gay.” Girls can’t hold hands because “are they going out?” And GOD FORBID a female friend hugs a male friend.

Having lived in the Netherlands, and reading up about shit like this, Canadians and Americans are starving. 

I went to Japan for a school trip in 2012. I went to a highschool there. There were boys hugging, lounging on those blue gym floor mats, holding hands, trowing their arms around eachother. I was startled by how shocked I was.

i like filthy fics so most of these are just smut

smut = *

*Far Away From Nothing - https://archiveofourown.org/works/7510200?view_adult=true

*Wasted youth, Cryptids, and Waterboys - archiveofourown.org/works/10254716?view_adult=true&view_full_work=true

*Please Drink Responsibly - http://archiveofourown.org/works/9514295?view_full_work=true

*Blow Me Up - https://archiveofourown.org/works/7777147?view_adult=true

*Lance’s Nighttime Adventure - https://archiveofourown.org/works/9917849?view_adult=true

*Something Just Like This - http://archiveofourown.org/works/10716489?view_adult=true&view_full_work=true#main

*Hot In Here - https://archiveofourown.org/works/10540284?view_adult=true#main

*Weird - https://archiveofourown.org/works/7648843?view_adult=true

*Please Switch Responsibly - http://archiveofourown.org/works/10712682?view_adult=true

*Please Get Fucked Responsibly - http://archiveofourown.org/works/10841472/chapters/24067320

*Welcome To Lion-Mart! - https://archiveofourown.org/works/7762195?view_adult=true

*Gross Boys - http://archiveofourown.org/works/10867962?view_adult=true

*Don’t Break Connection - http://archiveofourown.org/works/8321353?view_full_work=true

*A Shot At Love - http://archiveofourown.org/works/10102640?view_adult=true

*Baby, We’re Going Down - http://archiveofourown.org/works/9119875

*Tip Jar - http://archiveofourown.org/works/10563945?view_full_work=true

*Scream My Name -  http://archiveofourown.org/works/7806421

*How To Bang Your Neighbour 101 - http://archiveofourown.org/works/9671762

*You Make Me Feel - http://archiveofourown.org/works/8390515

*Drive -  http://archiveofourown.org/works/8238065?view_adult=true

Dirty Laundry -  http://archiveofourown.org/works/7454385

Fools Rush In -  http://archiveofourown.org/works/10179662/chapters/22609904?view_adult=true

*Wrong Window - http://archiveofourown.org/works/8293582?view_adult=true

*Drummer Boy - http://archiveofourown.org/works/10556902?view_full_work=true

*Best Friends - http://archiveofourown.org/works/10706604

*What We Make Of It - https://archiveofourown.org/works/10443345?view_adult=true

*Shut Up and Dance With Me - http://archiveofourown.org/works/8159153/chapters/18698024

*Is That A Challenge? - http://archiveofourown.org/works/7640995?view_adult=true

*How To Train Your Galra - Part 1 - http://archiveofourown.org/works/7672060 Part 2 - http://archiveofourown.org/works/7709302 Part 3 - http://archiveofourown.org/works/7848832 Part 4 - http://archiveofourown.org/works/9090550