Track one: Forget herĖ Żā¬ā.Ėš
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āHer love is a rose, pale and dying.ā
synopsis: the infamous guitarist sukuna thought it'd be easy to get rid of his past lover, until reading a bittersweet letter that was meant for him twisted his high ego hard enough to find himself trapped in your lingering presence.
pairings: rockstar!sukuna x model!reader
content: MDNI, SELF SABOTAGE, doomed ending, LOTS OF angst, fluff, band AU, yearning, mentions of smut in multiple chapters (not detailed), situationship, mention of toxicity, baby yuji mentioned! Sukuna and Jin are twinsses, jealousy, and finally harsh language.
Who would have ever thought you would make it so far in life so young?
Rising massive fame for being the most known model for high-brands of fashion at only twenty two years. Being successful in money, in your career, and even having a nice home to yourself away from the past secretly haunting you every minute you were breathing.
Yeah, you could basically have anything with a snap of your fingers. At least thatās what you tried gaslighting yourself with.
Even with all the flying money dropping from the sky to your lap, there was something missing in your life. Rather, someone.
A rather someone you would have never guessed that you didnāt end up spending the life you originally wanted with him.
Itās been years since the last time youāve seen him, and it wasnāt a really nice goodbye you both left for each other. It was more like turning your back against each other and never looking back. What did you even expect from Sukuna? he wasnāt the type to come running after someone like some sick puppy, begging for attention.
Maybe some part of you hoped he did. You hoped heād stop you - tell you that you are stupid for leaving everything behind - snap some reality into your brain so you could just come back into those safe warm arms of his. Strong and shielded against your small frame.
Itās what you wanted him to do all along, but your pride and stubbornness wouldnāt let you show it. It was even worse that he was just like you, maybe just ten times worse.
When you wanted him to falter, and to give up those barriers he had in himself - he gave you that cold brutal truth instead of what you wanted him to hear.
So maybe thatās how you found yourself on a lonely Sunday evening ripping the piece of lined paper from your journal, not proofreading any of the words you had written messily on the letter. You didnāt want to look back at that sick past of yours, didnāt want to endure the pain all over again to square one.
You just needed to let it out on someone who could give zero shits and who was also thousands of miles away from you to give him the brutal reminder that she was still here, and the words you wanted to tell him that night before hopping onto that cab with no hesitation.
You wonder if itās even worth sending since you werenāt the only one who was getting recognition.
His band was definitely hitting the charts lately, and itās been boosting since their new release album. They also just finished their small tour they have done for the anniversary of their debut, of course youād know that.
The train ride back home was absolutely hell. It was crammed and stuffy the whole five hour ride.
Sukuna had his guitar case between his legs, his hands steadying so it wonāt go slipping away from him. His neck was strained from the uncomfortable position he tried sleeping in against the window. He couldnāt even sleep without Jin rambling about something stupid of his nerdy interests.
Why was he even apart of the band?
A small grunt escaped Sukuna, an annoyed scowl on his face - as he hummed from time to time to pretend he was listening (he definitely wasnāt.)
Finally after five hours of torture, they finally arrived back at their stop. Their home town theyāve been away from for a whole two months.
Well, things got even more irritating for Sukuna with the narrow walkway of the train just to get out, a suitcase on one hand and his other hand carried his own duffel bag - his guitar case slung heavy behind his broad back.
He tried not hitting anyoneās head as he passed by the seats, occasionally telling poor Jin to speed up when clearly there was a whole crowd wanting to get out the same time as them.
Finally they both managed to squeeze out of the exit in the train, a sigh leaving Jinās lips as they stood in the station.
āLet me call a cab over.ā Jin pushed the glasses over his nose bridge, placing his bags down to take out his phone from his pocket.
āMake it quick, iām already sick just standing in this shithole.ā Sukuna demanded, it was like he was almost growling the words. He was painfully dramatic with his complaint.
Jin let out another exasperated sigh as he dialed a cabās phone number, and walked a few meters away from Sukuna so he could properly hear his phone.
Sukuna started mumbling to himself, mumbling curses like it physically pained him just to be patient. But he wasnāt someone patient, he hates waiting on anyone.
He dropped his duffle bags beside him, his crimson gaze following complete strangers that passed by. He could make out some recognition from others as they stared back at him. It wasnāt like before when they first started their band - they had such a small fanbase that people were somewhat unaware of.
It was only until recently their songs were hitting the charts and hitting mainstreams. Instead of small bar gigs, they were now performing in big stages with big crowds.
This was his goal. To be successful with his band. He finally reached the life he wanted.
But obviously, he was missing apart of him he wonāt even acknowledge.
It was all because he let you go. He let you walk away and take half of his heart with you. He wanted you to have a happy life, he wanted you to take the opportunity to go overseas and pursue your modeling career - even when he wanted you to stay. He didnāt want to let go of that pride and facade he presented to everyone, but you were different from everyone else.
What was he even doing thinking about you? this was over a few years ago. He should be over it.
His brows furrowed, forming into a scowl from his own ridiculous thoughts. It was easy to forget you the moment you leftā¦so why did it all just come back to him?
He sighed, turning his head to the side - a specific big poster board advertisement from against the concrete walls catching his eye.
Why did you have to become a model?
It was like just screaming in his face of a reminder of what he lost because of his stubbornness.
He left all of his baggage and jinās baggage onto the floor, as he took hesitant steps towards the board.
All he felt was the same feeling he felt when he watched you walk away, the same squeeze of his heart he couldnāt seem to get rid of. His gaze almost softened when he stared at your beautiful face, staring at those big striking eyes he never seemed to forget.
You were in the advertisement for a known fashion brand, Dior. You were wearing probably the most expensive accessories pieces while you were complimented with layers of dark layering of clothing, holding a wilted rose on your delicate hands.
The more you were away, the more beautiful you seemed to get. There was so much regret on his chest for not cherishing your beauty enough while you were still stuck into his hip.
Maybe it was a little naive to think you wonāt ever get away, that eventually youāll come back running.
It was a desire and hope he knows he shouldnāt hold against himself, but he had way to many visions of you in his dreams as if you were some dead wife.
His hands were in fists while they were shoved in his pockets, You lingered even when you were gone.
He swallowed the dryness of his throat as he continued to torture himself by staring at the picture of you, wishing you could magically appear right in front of him and he could tell you the words he hid behind his pride.
He didnāt even hear Jin approach right next him, clicking his tongue. Jinās arms were crossed against his chest as he stared at the side profile of his twin.
āI thought you said you were over her.ā Jin instigated, a knowing look on his face.
āWhat makes you think iām not over her?ā He spat out, looking away from the board to look at that stupid knowing look on his face. Great.
āYou werenāt standing here originally, you left all our bags in the middle of the walkway to just stare at her picture.ā Jin lets out a sigh, probably the hundredth sigh he left today.
āFuck off.ā He grumbled, snatching the duffel bag away from his brother hand.
Jin just went ahead of him, leading the way to exit the station.
Sukuna gave one last look at the picture, his face once a scowl turned into a soft look on his sharp features. It was stupid that you still affected him even years later, making him feel all oddly calm instead of wanting to rip somebody apart. You were like a medicine he didnāt know he needed.
Itās been almost a week since you sent out that letter, and your mind has drifted to that topic more than it should have.
You told yourself many times that you didnāt care if he didnāt respond, you wouldnāt even care if he left a response back.
You lay on your silky sheets, staring at the ceiling as you contemplate life currently. Your life has been changing so much in a good way that it almost felt like a dream to you.
So why did you desire the bad things to come back to your life? were you really that bored of the fortunes that swept into your life right now?
You had your headphones on, listening to the new song Sukunaās band had just released - the lyrics hitting way too close to home, almost familiar that made an unsteady feeling on your chest.
Hearing those guitar riffs was like almost hearing his voice, you could feel him in the weight of presence even when he wasnāt around you.
Your fingers goes through the cover of his band from the CD, staring at Sukunaās face on the cover - it was the only face you cared about seeing.
Your thumb goes through his face, almost as if you were really caressing his cheek instead of this sick reality that was playing around your life right now.
Maybe you wouldnāt want him back as your lover, but just simply back to your best friend you always seemed to rely on - even though he hated when you relied on him back then so much.
But would it even count that he was your lover? you both never ended up together anyways - you both just desired the benefits of it instead of admitting you both wanted it badly. More like you wanted it more than him.
You swear that you could see him anywhere you went, you could make out his face in strangers passing by - could hear the rough whispers he whispered to you underneath the sheets at night.
And even worse, you have a boyfriend.
You never told your current boyfriend about Sukuna, you never really wanted to get into the past you hide from the newcomers of your new life. Your current boyfriend doesnāt even know that every time you kissed his lips, you thought of Sukuna instead of grounding into the moment of your current lover.
Speaking of your boyfriend, he just had came out of the shower - towel hung loose on his hips as you were sulking on the bed you both shared together. You hadnāt even notice he came out of the bathroom.
āBaby.ā He sung, walking over the bed to hover over you through the edge. You hated when he called you that, itās what Sukuna use to call you back when you both were casual.
Your boyfriend tugged off the earbud off your ear, pressing a kiss into the top of your ear. Trying to ease the tension on your brows, his thumb caressing the middle of your brows.
āWhy are you in the dark? youāre gonna get depressed like this.ā he softly scolded, turning on the lamp besides the nightstand.
It made you sick to your stomach that he was so caring when the only thing you ever thought about was your ex-situationship.
āNo I wonāt.ā You mumble, a small pout pouting against your lips as you look up at him, noticing the softness in his eyes. The softness you would have wanted Sukuna to look at you like.
āCome on, tell me whatās on your mind.ā He sat in the edge of the bed, pulling you closer to cradle you, your hand still gripping the CD - you hoped he wouldnāt see the emptiness in your eyes.
āIām thinking of going back home for a couple of months.ā You suddenly confess, you were surprised that the words just came out of your mouth without even hesitation - you didnāt even know if you wanted this.
You could tell your boyfriend was shocked, and maybe a little more disappointed than anything.
āButā¦What about your shoots? youāre just gonna miss them just because you want to go back home? you might loose a big opportunity.ā Almost a sound of disbelief on his voice as the grip he had around you slightly loosened.
You sat up, tugging a loose strand of hair behind your ear as you fiddle with your robe.
āI already took my big opportunity. I can just take shoots back at home, why are you so upset about it when I can figure this thing out on my own?ā You couldnāt understand why he was so against the idea, itās where you originally started anyways.
A loud sigh left your lover as he shook his head. āWhat is even there to go back for? I thought your parents lived here now because they wanted to stay close to you?ā Your boyfriend suddenly asks, standing up to grab a pair of sweatpants in his dresser.
Thatās a really good point and question. What was the point of going back home? What would you gain from it? Maybe the point was to see Sukunaās face once more so you could get over him and maybe cherish the look on his face at the same time.
You look down at the CD in your hands, suddenly feeling like you wanted to melt into the sheets and never rise up again.
āYeah, Butā¦ā You paused, gripping the CD tight into your hands.
āI need to visit someone important.ā
authors note: tysm for all the likes and reblogs i got for my first post!! stay tuned for more upcoming chapters!!! :DDD (i promise these next chapters will be long ones, this chapter is pretty short <3) Lmkk in comments if you would like to be on the tag list š©·š©·š©·
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