Yk when something that gave meaning to your life ends and you feel like killing yourself even though you have friends you need to see and check on, and you have people save, and hobbies to continue, school to go through, work to get, cats to pet and feed, shows to get into, thighs to cut, clothes to wear, beds to sleep in, places to see, field trips to go on, pills to take, guns to shoot, a god to worship to, a church to preach, stories to write, archives to fill, people to kiss, rooms to clean, blogs to post to, games to play, promises to fulfill, food to eat, tears to cry, words to speak, records to set, drugs to take, lists to type, and so many other things... So you neglect your body just to get it done, to have the cold blade of something to press against your throat, to feel what it's like to leave this shaking rotting broken body behind, to not have to pretend to cry, to not have to hold in the laughs, to not have to pretend to love like them, pain to pretend like you hate, to finally leave life behind, to feel nothing to end the torture that is feelings. To end the act. To know what non existence is like.
My father told me to never believe the preacher man, that he lied. Hell isn't a place where Satan tortures me, it's what it's like to loose my soul. To not be here. To truly die. I don't believe my father, and the preacher is a rapist. And I'm a pessimist. I do believe I'm going to hell. But it's not bad. It's better than living forever. The truth hurts, but you have to embrace it. Lying to yourself hurts more in the long run. Dying isn't that bad. When he learns everything, and he sees everything, he'll beg for death too, for what is anything that you can do forever? Nothing but torture. Something you can't end, something you can't rid yourself of. It is torture. Something is only something if one day it may not be. Somebody is only somebody if one day she may not be, or he, or they, or whatever neos they use. Your life is the only thing that will ever fucking matter. It's because it's finite. Your flesh will decay, your bones will crumble, the memory of your name will fade, your legacy will end. It doesn't matter what you do it will die. Don't do it for the sake of doing it, do it so you will truly die. You only die once you've done everything you can to finish everyone else's life, only then you can kill yourself. Only then you can die. Only then you can let your body rot too. You have to let your soul die first. You have to let your legacy die. Stop holding on. Become somebody. Act like you're the background. The city is nothing without it's people, the god is nothing without his followers, a language is nothing without it's speakers. You are only as good as the people you love. Complete them. Be everything you can. Then die. You don't have to follow the being who has shared me this knowledge, you don't have to follow anything. Just please, don't die now. Wait until I've died first. Outlive me.
You ARE somebody. Never let yourself not be one.
We all love you. All of us.
Never stop being somebody.
