Underdevelopment

How do I rip the heart of someone I love? When do I let the fire inside me melt the ice frozen on my heart? When I stare in the eyes of danger, do I go or fear it? So much uncertainty that lives in my mind. The fear of letting go and the change of the winds. Could I make the worst decision of my life or do I grow from it? Will I be on my death bed calling your name or will I take my own breath.

Beyond a shadow of a doubt, I have become alone. Again. I don’t speak about the storm inside me, because what is the point? I have reached a tug of war of who I am and who I want to be. When I look in the mirror, I don’t see a strong women or even a women at all. I see a girl. Trying so hard to do what I think adults should do, but feel like a child playing pretend with older people. I can’t even face my own mother to give her ladders. I’m so hurt from past grudges that just seem to be barnacles stuck to a sea lost ship. It’s easy to speak on forgiveness and letting things go, but actually committing to these empty words is a whole other level. There are so many people who hate me and sometimes I don’t even get to understand the reason why, but they do. I look back at things that I have done for others that have gone unnoticed, yet I’m the bad guy. I’m the bad guy because I can’t let go. I’m the unreasonable because I’m hurt or because I have been constantly disappointed by the same excuses and actions that I have allowed others to commit. I ask myself why do I even hold this pain? Why does it even matter? But then I saw you, just walking and having no care in the world and that’s when it set in. I need you way more than you need me. I’m lost without you and I don’t have anyone else to turn to, but you, you find someone new up your sleeve each time. You change them like burnt light bulbs. So am I who is wrong or are you just better at distracting yourself? I guess neither of us will truly know. But if I must admit something, it will be this. I am ashamed at how little I have accomplished at my age. I’m working as a bagger for a company and trying to get back into school, while everyone else has plans and futures ahead of them. And I’m stuck sweeping trash from a parking lot just to make enough money. I will always keep reminding myself that I’m striving to a better path and this is just a baby step in that direction. Then why do I feel like such a failure?

I appreciate how vigilant the American people have become within the times of crisis. However, I am so disappointed in what this nation has become within the last four years. And no, this isn’t a post to bash on any political party, this is about putting the accountability in the hands of those responsible. For centuries this nation has fallen under a political war within itself, and the shame isn’t on which side you stand but rather that you turn your backs on each other and rip one another like wolves. The United States is many things and within its ideology, it is a great nation built in capitalism. However! And I can’t express this enough, we are so busy arguing over who is right and not putting our minds together to create a solution. I want you to look at this election and engrave it into your brains until it’s written in history books. The 2020 election is between a tax fraud bigot and sleazy child predator, that’s it! There is no alternative, AND WE DID THIS. We fought so hard on who is worse that we didn’t even realize they passed through all the filters of power. We allowed it become corrupt and without notice gave them the power to do this. Our country is in shambles, our people are fighting a war within these borderlines, our idea of what’s right or wrong is slowly being replaced with “which is the less of two evils”. We aren’t winning, no one is winning. We have police officers trying to calm angry people who’s voices have been muffled for decades even before they were born. We have rioters destroying communities that built their foundations, instead of the real crooks who rob us blind for their own profits. GUYS WE ARE NO BETTER THAN THEM. There is something in the air, there are good guys on both teams trying to do the right things. I know many of you aren’t religious and that’s cool, separation of church and state, right? But in moments like these I like to keep my faith in God, to heal so many wounds that we all carry in our day to day. I know it’s frustrating, I know it’s tiring. To be put down everyday and always feel as if obstacles and hurdles keep being placed so that you can’t reach that finish line. But this is your moment to push. They want us to react, they want us to riot, they want us to be painted as the horrible people they stereotype us to be. Right wing are racist, leftists are commies. Wrong, we are people. And no, I don’t condone racism or injustice. However, let’s fight for what’s right, instead of with each other. It’s time to change the way we choose to change the world. We need to become better people, not only to ourselves but to each other. “Be the change you want to see in the world.” Also stop bitching about politics, it’s a social construct anyways.

I’m furious. It’s almost unbearable to feel so much anger towards you. Sometimes I don’t even know how to describe what I feel for you. Because I love you so much. Although it hurts so much to be mistreated and undervalued by you. Yet I can't find it inside my heart to hate you. All I feel is anger. And like always I feel like my voice is trapped behind my tongue, because I can't say how I feel. Because your sharp tongue will say I don’t know what I’m speaking on. And you’re right, I don’t know you anymore. But maybe that’s a good thing.

Your sharp tongue cuts through my heart, but as always I must appear strong. You strike your words like positions on a chess board, using your pawns to get to me.