your drink, is it freezd?

Messing up my customer service hotline job and playing a gunshot sound effect over the phone then coming back with a slightly different accent

Always sayin shit like "if memory serves" like my brain aint dodgin the draft 🙄

i need a boyfriend who is kind and charming and an open communicator but thats not my problem. somebody else will figure it out

my best friend linen my brother in arms cotton my partner wool my beautiful sister silk

our sick deranged enemy polyester....

the demon lord, prince of lies, "Vegan Leather"...

When she was born, humans in parts of the Fertile Crescent were just beginning to practice agriculture and settle permanently.

#So basically. He runs like an actual real person would over uneven ground 😂#The Hollywood Run is pretty to watch sure but also takes place on a paved surface usually#There is no way to look dignified whilst running across lumpy bumpy ground down across a hill. Unless one is an actual gazelle#thankyou Mr. Viggo for that Real Human rep (saving @jonairadreaming's excellent tags because everyone who has ever tried running down an incline over uneven, possibly shifting, ground knows you try to get down there as fast as possible with the least amount of time of foot actually touching the ground and constantly being prepared to shift your weight to keep your balance. By the time the stones actually shift from your weight you already want to be two steps away)

He’s so leg

Shit man, this soldier war is fucked. I just saw a guy kill another guy, with a gun. I gotta get the fuck outta here.

You’re not depressed. You just need $250,000 in your bank account.

Reblog to materialize $250,000 in prev's bank account

Made a lowball offer on eBay as a joke and it got accepted. uh oh.