your drink, is it freezd?

asked one of my coworkers how she's doing today and she goes "could be better, could be worse," and another coworker nearby who was eavesdropping chimes in with "could be a lil bit o' alligator curse!" i have no idea what he meant by that but i do know that it has been immediately added to the lexicon.

Sometimes you will be a lesbian to your parents and a straight man to your partners parents and a gay man to your partner and a woman to your grandparents and out to your friends and stealth to your classmates and a nice young lady to the cashier at the coffee shop and then people on your computer will ask you to choose which of these identities you ACTUALLY are and which you are Appropriating The Oppression Of because don’t you know they contradict each other. You can only be one thing solidly forever

i think that harry styles dies really frequently to like putting forks in outlets n shit, and they gotta use a factory to make more harries. but one day one of the fucked up defective harries escaped and they couldnt catch him in time before he became famous and so they just had to let him do this thing. and thats timothee chalamet

*street shot of zohran mamdani clad in nasty lil suit and hard hat* five months ago i was elected mayor of new york city. in that time, we have managed to COMPLETELY defeat the Staten Island Minotaur at no additional cost to the new york taxpayer

Put this in the comments but it needs to be said here too. I am so mad D20 did unsleeping city before Mamdani was mayor. Can you fucking imagine.

oh that's what the dwarves were doing

i love writing out numbers and then putting them in parentheses like "one (1)" even when i dont need to i think its funny

new merriam-webster.com tab 'open near me'

happy torse thursday everyone, this is exactly like a normal thursday except i will be thinking about torse the entire time

Everyone say happy birthday to the birthday bot on his birthday

if you have to rely on specific scripts or turns of phrase to socialise that's totally fine, but you must NOT reveal them to your friends while slightly drunk. it's like showing how the magic trick works, you can't do it in front of them afterwards

i like dogs a lot but i can never remember the differences between breeds (apart from the few types i've actually owned/interacted with). but i know people looove their dogs and love talking about their dogs, so whenever im talking to a dog owner i'll ask what breed it is, and no matter what breed they say i'll say "oh! i've heard they have a really nice nature :D" and they always go YESSS THEY'RE GREAT and start gushing about their dog and we have a nice conversation and i build social credit with this person. anyway i told my friends about this script a few weeks ago when slightly drunk and now every time we're in public together and a dog goes past they turn to me and ask "does that one have a nice nature?" im in a hell of my own making

just tried to reference the xkcd "today's lucky 10,000" comic but I wanted to explain xkcd first, so I was like "you probably know the one about experts in the field overestimating their audience's familiarity with the subject matter" and uh. he didn't. love me some irony