So as my husband and I were talking today, I realized that we are still wrapped up in caring about man's opinion of us before God's opinion.  

Scenario:  We are doing this challenge with other people in our church.  One of the requirements is no TV.  God has been dealing with both of us about how much we watch TV.  Did that change our habits?  Oh no!  They didn't change until we were challenged by our Pastor.  EPIC FAIL!  

But praise God for His mercy and grace!  And that He meets us where we are at. He knew our hearts were to change but we are not at the point where we are doing it on His say-so instead of man's.  I am thankful our eyes are open and we have to get to the root of why is it easier to obey what we know He wants when man is challenging us to do it instead of just being obedient.  So challenging but so awesome that God cares enough to show me this so I can turn away from this behavior.

Teach me Your way, O Lord; I will walk in Your truth; Unite my heart to fear Your name. Ps 86:11

What does it mean to unite my heart to fear Your name?  All I can think of is the battle that goes on in my heart.  The battle between my love for God and the love of my flesh.  I refer back to what are you willing to give up.  Hmmm, this week I gave up books and TV.  That is huge for me.  I read ALL THE TIME.  Seriously, I will take my phone to the bathroom so I can read.  No place is exempt from my reading.  My parents used to ground me from books.  Reading was my favorite pastime.  For a few hours I could be whisked away to another place and time.  Whether it was Hogwarts to fight the Death Eaters with Harry or join Dautless with Tris or solve crimes with Sherlock, books were my escape from life.  Books wouldn't reject me.  Books would always be my friend and love me.  

I never realized it at the time but that is the same way God is.  The God I was shown by hurting Christians was harsh and judgmental as well as hypocritical. There was no love.  Of course, how could there be love if you are hurting and refuse to surrender to the One who is Love?  His Word says He will not leave us nor forsake us. Make sure that your character is free from the love of money, being content with what you have; for He Himself has said, “I will never desert you, nor will I ever forsake you,” Heb 13:5  He is always with us.  Even when it doesn't feel like it, all we have to do is cry out.  I wish I knew then what I know now.  The heartache I would have saved myself.  But I will never regret it - I wouldn't love as much because I have been forgiven of much.  And that is what is the best about God and having a relationship with Him.  He forgives and He forgets. As far as the east is from the west, So far has He removed our transgressions from us. Ps 103:12  How amazing is that?  He knows us so well that we can't hide anything from Him.  AND HE STILL LOVES US!!!   For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Rom 8:38-39  Too many people think that God will stop loving them for what they do.  His love will never change for us because He loves us for who we are not what we do or don't do.  Can you imagine walking securely in such a love?  Well, I couldn't before but I am going to from this day forward.  Because that is why Jesus dies for our sins.  So we could have a relationship with Someone Who loves us so much that nothing will ever separate us from that love.  Who knows us inside and out.  Who knows what silly thing we will do tomorrow or did today.  And still loves us.  I leave you with this...

O Lord, You have searched me and known me.  You know when I sit down and when I rise up; You understand my thought from afar.  You scrutinize my path and my lying down, And are intimately acquainted with all my ways. Even before there is a word on my tongue, Behold, O Lord, You know it all. You have enclosed me behind and before, And laid Your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; It is too high, I cannot attain to it.

Where can I go from Your Spirit?

Or where can I flee from Your presence?  If I ascend to heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there.  If I take the wings of the dawn, If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,  Even there Your hand will lead me, And Your right hand will lay hold of me. If I say, “Surely the darkness will overwhelm me, And the light around me will be night,” Even the darkness is not dark to You, And the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You.

 For You formed my inward parts;

You wove me in my mother’s womb.  I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well.  My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth; Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; And in Your book were all written The days that were ordained for me, When as yet there was not one of them.

Psalms 4:5 NASB Offer the sacrifices of righteousness, And trust in the Lord .

What does that mean? I think it is different for each of us. Sacrifices of the righteous are giving up what comes before the Lord in our heart and time. So what comes before the Lord in your heart and time?

With Pastor Dan’s challenges I am learning that many thing came before my Lord. TV, books, Facebook, computer games, the list goes on and on. And heaven forbid I actually give up food for a day. I am also realizing how much I justified what I watched, read and did. And oh my goodness how lazy I have become!!! You think I would have realized that when I gained 100+ pounds in the past 10 years. And to make it even worse, I would use the head of the household clause to get what I wanted. Knowing my husband’s weaknesses for certain things (like coffee) I would mention that I really had a taste for something but we really shouldn’t. Of course he would want it so I would say the final decision is up to you. You are the head of the house. Talk about manipulation! ! Amazing what God shows you when you stop what the world considers life and listen for His voice. Ugh! THANK GOD for forgiveness! ! I am starting to sing a new song.

Well, isn't that the million dollar question?  While Pastor Dan was preaching today, God asked me this. Immediate answer was no and that is a huge part of my problem.  I don't love myself.  Now, we are commanded to love others as we love ourselves.  Kind of hard to love others if I don't love myself.  Funny how I used to coach people on loving God and themselves but I wasn't doing it.  Kind of like do what I say but not what I do.  Not exactly the best way to teach.  I really need to get that lead by example thing down.   

Since God gave me the vision of building walls, He has been dealing with me about discipline, self control and fasting things in my life that are not beneficial.   His word says He has plans for me, plans to prosper and not harm me -For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. Jer 29:11-13.  So why am I not willing to obey Him and lay things at His feet?  Why is it so hard to let go and trust Him?  Why do I keep turning to things of this world and not God?  He loves me and wants me to be free.   Jesus loved me enough to die for me even while I was a sinner.  Why is this so hard to believe? Why is it so hard to give up what my flesh wants?

And what is this week's sermon on?  What we are willing to give up.  Yep, just what I need.  Praise the Lord!  So the next question I hear from God is what is so important to you that you won't give it up for Me and why is it so important?  As I honestly reflect all that is going on in my life, I realize just how long the list is.  And there goes the loving God part of the commandment and all the work I need to do.  Sigh...

Pastor Dan is starting an 8 week Basic Training study today.  God strongly put it on my heart to participate in this study.  As I go to the meeting after service, I am scared.  But, like I have told others in the past, I am going to do it afraid.  I don't even know what I am scared of.  I am at my wit's end.  I know things need to change in my life.  Yes, I have been hurt before but nothing hurts as much as not having peace in my life.  The parameters of the study group for this week are 

No TV, Movies, or Video Games or anything that is a time waster

No books except the Bible and My Utmost for His Highest (killer for me because I LOVE to read!!)

No food after 7

Read and finish Psalms and Proverbs this week

Prayer and Bible time for 1/2 hour when waking up

Prayer and Bible time for an hour before bed

Fast Sunday mornings and be in the prayer room at 9 am before service

God has been giving me a vision the past few weeks of myself building a wall. Over and over, I keep adding bricks to the wall.  I am pretty short so I could only build the wall so high.  To solve that problem, I then built a bench to stand on to make my walls higher.  Yeah, that didn't paint a very nice picture.  Instead of letting God break down those walls, I was building them up more.  Different challenges were coming at me from all directions and I was spiritually shutting down.  I was at a point I would prevent myself from crying and feeling anything.  I was in a huge fortress that I had built and I had no way to get out.

I had confessed to a few people what God was showing me but I didn't know where to begin to knock the walls down.  I have been in ministry for over 8 years, have done multiple outreaches, discipled people and taught many Bible studies on freedom and identity yet I was at a loss of what to do next.   So much of my life was out of control.  My weight has ballooned to ridiculous portions, my laziness is at an all time high and depression is always lurking in the back of my head.