I’m going to give it to you as an image of a little child. […] They sit on your lap, or they hold you, or they rest on your shoulder or your chest. They are nested. They need nothing at that moment, they are just kind of completely at ease. Or, they are trying to console themselves. But they are drawing from you their sense of comfort and consolation. And at some point, they’re done. It’s all fine. And they get up, and they begin by crawling, or they run — they basically leave you, to go and be in their own world. To go to play. To go to do their thing. They are now experiencing freedom. They have just experienced safety, and security, and attachment, and nesting, and now they’re moving into the world. They’re playing, they’re in their own imaginary realm. And in order to play they have to be free and unselfconscious and free of worry, otherwise you can’t play.
To be secure in a relationship is to have both of those things. It is to be able to come back to the harbour, to anchor yourself, to feel rooted, and then to get up, to leave, and to go and play without having to worry. Now what is it you don’t have to worry about? You don’t have to worry about the fact that when you go, you’re leaving somebody there who is suddenly bewildered, and anxious, and depressed, and angry, but actually somebody who is totally at ease letting you go. Or, that you worry that when you come back they won’t be there. And that “hide and seek” — that’s why that game is so important — is to know that even when I’m gone, I live inside of you. Even when I’m gone, when I come back you’ll be there. Even when I’m gone, I take you with me. And so I experience freedom and connection at the same time. That is security in a relationship. For adults, and for children.
Esther Perel when asked, “What does it mean to be secure in a relationship?”
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