Freespiritedwriter

The bridges don't have to burn, I just don't have to cross them again

You go your way and I'll go mine.

This way I hopefully don't internalise the pain.

When I became my own worst enemy?

The voice in my head scares me.

I don't know when it changed.

When it changed from love to hate?

The voice is always in a panicked state.

I don't know when it stopped.

When it stopped hurting when I did those things?

The voice knows the pain it brings.

I wish I could stop.

I wish I could make me number 1 in your mind before the split.

I wanted so much for the future, shared home, shared bed, shared adventure.

I had planned our colours for the walls, the kitchens cupboards and handles for the doors.

But then something changed in me, it's like my eyes opened and my heart began to really see.

How it was only really I who had been making all the plans and opening up the paint cans.

And how you said all the words that you wanted to share but did not seem to show that you actually cared.

Here I am with my head hung in shame and my heart in pain because it's broken now and you can't take this away.

And we've made these vows by which I did solemnly swear and stand but I can't stand by them anymore because you've pushed me right passed my limit and out the door.

J.

I've been yearning for direction.

But then I hear the words that have been spoken.

How do I trust the people around me?

How am I meant to fix this if you lie?

I don't know if you understand how your deceit makes my soul cry.

I can't feel the normal emotions.

But I can feel the betrayal.

The substitutions.

The smaller portions.

The avoidance tactics.

No one has mentioned,

The purple rings under my eyes.

The messier hair.

The tear stains before I wash them away.

No one says anything when I joke about the anxious feelings,

They ignore the shakey hands.

But they do applaud the weight loss,

Tell me to go bed earlier,

Get out the house more and

Be more active.

No one noticed.

Hiding from your sharp edge.

Hiding from the release you bring when we're together.

It's been years.

The light glints off your curves.

It shouldn't feel this good but I'm here enjoying every moment.

The feeling running over my skin, the release in my mind.

My restraint is broken.

My mind runs free.

My hands are steady, my head is stubborn and my stone face won't crack.

You can't cross that line and expect me to carry on as normal.

Things will be different now, I'm sorry if this makes you nervous when I'm formal.