FreckledSugar

Is it possible to be so angry,sad and depressed, for so long, that you’re numb and no longer sad or angry? It is a weird calm feeling..........I’ve dealt with these feelings from my family for so long that I get sad & angry briefly at a time then comes a weird “calmness.” Maybe it’s what happens when your body no longer has anything else to give, you’ve accepted that this is how it is. I guess that’s where I’m currently at. 

I’m always in a constant state of functional depression and have been since I was an overweight chubby preteen, it got worse throughout college as more family issues and relationship issues added on. I called the Suicide Hotline when I felt I had finally almost had an angry nervous meltdown...I just wanted to talk, I wasn’t sure I would even harm myself. I never had a healthy way of releasing my emotions (I use to punch walls & ended up breaking my hand/fingers) so that was one of the most rational releases in my mind. It helped, the person listened to me just cry on the phone and her voice was soothing. Maybe I never actually had anyone who just listened. That was almost 3 years ago now.

Today I contemplated calling the hotline again because actual thoughts of slitting my wrist flashed through my mind for at least 1 minute. I shot it down..now I’m just at the air of calmness that I had described. I am writing as my release. I no longer punch walls or bang my wrist against things or snap myself with a rubber band...I had forgotten I use to do all of those things.. progress.

I have been subconsciously unsympathetic of certain feelings for years, (I’m just now consciously realizing why), because I “survived” depression by myself and I pushed myself to believe and hope that the future would get better but not everyone can do that. I suppose it streams from my numbness that has become me. I was unable to see that just because I survived fairly unscathed and able to function that “why couldn't they?” and that’s wrong. Not everyone has thick skin and even MY thick skin broke. I think I felt angry/jealous, directed aimlessly at the world, that no one had loved me the way they should have, cared for me or helped me and that I cried myself to sleep as a kid for years all alone. Every night I use to pray to God, who wouldn’t answer me, that my life would be different and it never worked. People passed me off as “an asshole” or “cold”, “distant” but no one ever tries to understand why people are the way they are. I never had anyone, so naturally my body developed to be distant. 

Definitely think i’m on my way to a new SD maybe 2. Bassett Hound says “money is not an issue” he just wants me. He’s growing on me...he creeped me out a little with all his incessant stares at dinner (my tits might have been saying hi lol) and he talks a lot as if he is trying to be my father. But if the money is right.........Hey Daddy! haha