freaky

Im freaky!

You can call me any pronouns I haven’t really found myself yet

I got diagnosed with depression and anxiety in middle school idk if it changed sense then

This blog is dedicated to seeing how I’m going along in life I don’t recommend you to follow if things like self-harm or gruesome thoughts ever disturb you

Understand I’m not that mature so bare with me lol

Blog format! (Under construction 🚧)

Dear diaries

As in the title it is a digital diary I hope to post them daily if I can

Just things I did that day and what I felt that day

Vents

I will put warnings for vents sense i don’t want anyone to be upset

Please understand to not take the things I say to heart for the reason that I know myself and I tend to be a little over the top so do not worry

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I hate my art or rather my lack of art skills but I love drawing

I love drawing so much, time and time again I tell myself I'll stop but I can't

I have the passion but no skill I have the dream but no hand for it

I feel like today I'll stop

I won't post my art, I'll keep it quiet

I'll draw in my sketchbook and hide it close to my heart

Nobody is allowed to see these monstrosities but me, these mistakes and demonstration of utter desperate will power

These dreams that look like nightmares

Today I got invited to a celebration from an ex/old friend it was via another person because I blocked her on everything and i have no idea if I want to go.

I had a reason to block her is it a good reason? No idea I also blocked a couple other people as well except for one person that I was ok with. I was to reconcile even if she didn't know why I was upset but it brings me fear to even think of going over there to her and that friend group again.

I feel this anxious the type that makes your hands cold and this emote feeling in your stomach. Not only that they probably have their life together they have jobs, friends, education while I'm a hermit NEET with the only thing going on in my life is me trying to end it.

They have so much ahead of them while I'm nothing I think I'd be a waste of space if I went. They stayed together and they still talked to each other the whole time while I was going ghost. I'm pretty sure they're doing it out of courtesy?

Well me and my sister have that. There's certain songs we can't listen to but the difference is I stop playing them.

When a song my sister doesn't like comes up I skip it and change the genre to another one completely because I know it disturbs her. But me?

I beg her, I tell her to stop playing it, I tell her I don't like it and I want her to stop but she doesn't stop. You know what she does? She hums it. Very loudly frequently, in times where it's quiet where I am present.

And I know she knows because I catch her looking at me and I catch her smiling.

I try my best to keep her feeling calm. When she's sad I distract her when she's angry something doesn't go her way I try my best to fix it, when the world turns on her I'll be there to fight back.

But she won't care, a simple cheery thanks then back to one of her moods. Whatever I do is never enough. And I keep going back to this promise I made her that if I where to kill myself do it when she moves out so she doesn't have to deal with it. Does a person that cares for you say such a thing?

It's disgusting how people toss around the word to a person struggling saying "what about your parents? Your friend! Don't you feel bad?" Let me tell you this everyone always brings up family and friends like those people are some saints like they are the sole purpose of living but in reality they aren't. You shouldn't live for people. From experience I've lived for many people and yet all of it leads me to the same ending.

I feel everyone always feels pity for the ones that lost the person more than the person themselves. You can't see the full picture you don't know what that person was going through and how much they struggled to live on and on and on.

Maybe I'm just ranting again but if you see my family crying for me when I die don't believe shit they knew all along I was like this. My sister may not remember but she told me that if I wanted to kill myself wait till she moves out. My dad and mom call me crazy. My mom judges my weight she's manipulative and constantly begging for pity. My dad even when he's not violent anymore his colors show when he's angry he's a childish excuse of a man throwing tantrums like anything.

Who am I kidding people aren't obligated to miss me. They're not needed to stop their whole life to turn around and see if I'm still present. I'm a selfish attention seeker who clings to anyone with any sense of my presence I'm a leech, a ghost that haunts, I'm a curse.

I should just let them all go of this horrible weight that is me and my scream for attention like a banshee it cries out to its next victim to the next cursed person.

I can't stop hurting myself, it's getting bad. In any emotional state I'm in I do it. I bite, pinch, cut and choke myself and I don't know why and that's scary. I don't know why I do it but I know I just want to hurt myself till I'm a bloody mush on the floor. I've shown these signs as a kid but I feel it way more now I just want to hurt, hurt and hurt like an impulse an itch something in my very core screaming to destroy everything. But it's not anger sadness or happiness it feels almost normal like I simply exist for it like it was set in stone like it was born in me all along.

One thing I do know is that it's wrong, dangerous but I don't care? I feel no shame in it unless pointed out and I feel no danger until I'm at the brink but nobody tells you how good that edge feels, Comforting and quiet it's like being held in a cold soft blanket with only the small sting or burn that shows you you're still there and the bruises and raw soreness after the only evidence it ever happened.

And to take that away to take away these feelings I'd go crazy. I don't want help I don't want to stop what I have going on yes it hurts me and others but it's a habit it's all I have without it I'm nothing I'll feel nothing without it.

Yk I feel jealous of this person I don't think I have a reason to I barely know them or Interact with them we just share the same space but I feel jealous.

And it has to do with the attention they get. People find them funny, worry about them, cheer for them. I have no reason to be jealous but compared to them I'm a bag in the wind. My jokes don't make people laugh whole heartedly, if I go away no one seems to notice and people's cheers for me are just quiet short claps. they're a stand monument they will stay grounded in their place while I'm just there as if I'm just passing by.

I want to be there, I want to be acknowledged like them I want to be seen too I want people to worry about me too ! I want to stay but why does it feel as if I'm nothing? I try hard to socialize to be fun to show I'm worthy to be there. If I'm a plastic bag am I just litter on their ground? Just normalize pollution?

I feel nothing, no heart racing, warm embarrassed feeling I don't even feel hot on my ears. I did feel something a while back but I told myself to calm down cuz it literally meant nothing!

But that's the part that gets me! Even with no signs of interest such as fast heart rate and being flustered my mind still lingers and follows him. So maybe I just like him as a friend? Maybe my lack of guy friends mind can't understand the difference between platonic and romantic affection?