3 x 09: The Marriage Plot
HEY Y'ALL. Welcome back to Tudor England, it has been far, far, far too long. Back in the dark days before Reign came out, I had no one to talk to about Elizabeth Tudor. There was only 90’s Cate Blanchette and my dozens of audio books, all somehow narrated by the same lady, and my weird websites (that often involved midi files of recorder toodling) to engage with when I wanted to “Liz Out” on some E.Regina I goodness. Now thanks to Reign we can talk about it for maybe forever, because Reign is going through all the most controversial Elizabeth I conspiracy theories and gossip and I am loving it. Like remember when Don Carlos demanded to see her lady bits? Much like that shout-out to an old rumor that Elizabeth was secretly a boy changeling, this week we got knee-deep into a popular rumor (within Elizabeth’s own time!)- namely that she carried or birthed Robert Dudley’s baby.
OHmigosh. Personally I would like to think that Elizabeth and Robert Dudley totally made sweet love, but that’s more hope than conviction, Elizabeth seems way too dedicated to self-preservation to take that risk. I’ve certainly never credited any rumor that Liz got pregnant, though at least one dude came forward after her death and pretended to be her and Dudley’s bastard son. And if you really want the epitome of Tudor baby rumors watch Anonymous and LOL.
For the purposes of Reign AU Tudor fiction, Elizabeth was carrying Robert’s baby! Carrying a married man’s child is political suicide in 2016, nevermind the 16th century.
Meanwhile the grain in Spain was falling mainly on the shores of Scotland, and by that I mean Mary was basically robbing Don Carlos blind of grain to feed her starving people, like an extremely glamorous lady Robin Hood.
Narcisse came in to grab a little extra cash and Mary was like “Immoral!” but Narcisse pointed out French soldiers had just risked their lives for Scotland and were expecting to be like, you know, paid for that? Mary was like “Shit. Fine. Let’s share my brain-damaged fiancee’s ridiculous wealth then.”
But she was so discomfited by taking advantage of her betrothed she headed out to the balcony where she bumped right into Gideon, who was looking extremely Ledgery. LOL , poor Mary no longer has a private balcony.
This was an incredibly personal question that sent Mary into a justified rage because the answer was “nope.” Mary blustered about how Gideon was just trying to sabotage a Scottish-Spanish alliance, and Gideon was like no, I’m trying to help you, this marriage is a mistake.
Hahahaha. He pretended Elizabeth now wanted to marry Damaged Goods Carlos, and Carlos’ handlers decided they might as well take a little time and weigh their options, much to Mary’s chagrin.
Meanwhile, remember Christophe? He’d found the sex horse and glued it back together or something so he and Catherine could take a romp on it. Catherine was like “I’m crazy but not that crazy” and fled the room, as really any of us should probably do when faced with used BDSM equipment that has not been thoroughly windexed.
Meanwhile a pregnant Elizabeth cornered Dudley: how fast could she push a divorce through Parliament so they could marry? Dudley was like “Amy is dying!” Elizabeth was like “Oh man but I really need a King for this heir” and Dudley was like “Okay twist my arm I’ll be King go ahead and get that divorce for me at great personal sacrifice.” Hahaha Reign’s Dudley is kind of an asshole? Just me?
To be fair, almost all cinematic depictions of Robert Dudley paint him as some variety of asshole, though in every biography I read I find his loyalty super charming, and I trust Elizabeth so absolutely that if SHE thought he was a good egg, well, that’s endorsement enough for me.
William is very much of the opposite opinion.
Meanwhile Leith and his muscles returned to brighten up Claude’s life. Swooping in under the pretense of a Latin lesson, Leith swept Claude off for an impromptu session of self defense tips and “the condom talk.”
We never saw the actual lambskin prophylactic, which I’d love to believe looked not unlike a gossamer wizard’s cap, but kudos to Reign for being more chill and upfront about protection than a lot of teen shows set 100 years in the future.
Still, despite having precautions in hand (perhaps because he had precautions in hand) Claude had a bit of a freak out: was she ready to get that emotionally attached to a man she really couldn’t have a future with? Point well raised; the emotional risks of a new partner are not as easily mitigated as the physical ones, there is no condom for your heart, needlepoint that shit onto a pillow.
Hahaha oh Delphine. She is sort of gorgeous, she looks like Madeleine Stowe except Frencher somehow. Unfortunately she’s currently got like depression or common sense and doesn’t want to go hunting for serial murderers with Bash. Bash then got an interesting letter from that killer who’s been snatching everybody’s hearts that basically read “Whoops sorry for killing so much but I super swear I am dunzo now kthankzbai.” Comforting! Delphine was like “Maybe I healed him of his urge to murder?” and Bash was like “Maybe? But he’s still guilty of serial murder so I’m still going to, you know, bring him to justice.”
And then the GIANT WOLFHOUND CAME BACK!
This creature is more beautiful than any dreams my mind could fashion or my heart devise. A canine straight off of a tapestry or out of a fairy tale! Oh also Mary was having real buyer’s remorse about marrying Don Carlos.
And then someone played a game of whippin’ tops!
Hahahaha that is a rather inappropriately violent child’s game if you don’t mind me saying. Violent enough to send Carlos spiraling into flashbacks from that time Catherine and Mary pranked him to death on a sex horse and pull him out of his mental stupor.
Don Carlos was recovering his memories and his mental faculties and he did not like what he was remembering. The next time he met with Mary, his handlers demanded she grant him the Crown Matrimonial.
This is a real thing, a legal clause that allows the man who marries the Queen to keep the throne if she dies before bearing an heir. And it’s kind of a shady thing to ask for, sort of like a fiancee suggesting you get a million dollars in life insurance benefitting them before you get married.Mary was like, wellllll okaaaaay…but only if you stop flirting about with Elizabeth and just marry me already.
Meanwhile, across the channel, Robert Dudley let Amy know he was leaving their marriage and she reacted with surprise.
Nothing makes a case for staying together like suddenly revealing to your partner that you are psychotic. It worked great for Mrs. Rochester.
Dudley was like “I’ve got bad news I’ve got good news… the bad news is Amy went crazy when I told her I was leaving her, the good news is this means we can institutionalize her and get married?"and Elizabeth was like "Best day ever!”
Meanwhile Amy figured out the one way to keep them apart forever: killing herself, thereby casting suspicion on both of them.
So okay first off: obviously this was an over-the-top example that no one would take personally in a million years, but because it cannot be said enough, suicide is the worst, it’s always a dumb idea, and just don’t do it.
Secondly, the death of Amy Dudley is one of the great historical mysteries, a sort of strange Tudor Agatha Christie classic english country house murder mystery of sorts. Amy was, indeed, dying of cancer (they didn’t know it was cancer then, they would have called it like humours or something) she was very close to death. Her husband had been away from the house for a long time, and then the morning of her death she sent all her servants out of the house, as though anticipating a private visitor.
Later that evening she was found at the bottom of a staircase with her neck broken. However the steps were very broad and shallow, and there were a “pair” of them- which can be taken to mean two flights of stairs, though the number is hotly debated. While her death was judged at an inquest to be an accident, there are all sorts of theories:
1. It was suicide by a dying woman who felt herself to be unwanted by her husband (unlikely, Amy would have probably belived herself to be risking her soul by suicide)
2. It was murder, by Dudley, so he would be free to marry the Queen. He would have had to be incredibly stupid though, to not just wait for his wife to die, as she was dying already, and the doubt the murder cast on him was enough to keep him and Elizabeth from marrying for the rest of their long lives. He also, to his credit, made every effort to see Amy’s murder was investigated by impartial third parties who could creditably assert his innocence.
3. It was murder by a third party who knew once Amy was dying and that once she did Robert would be free to marry Elizabeth and become King. They knew killing Amy before she died of natural causes was the only way to tarnish Robert’s reputation and effectively separate him from Elizabeth forever, because the Queen, for reasons of state security, could never marry a man suspected of killing his wife.
I mean as a topic it’s endlessly fascinating to me, and Reign’s solution to the murder of Amy Dudley is one I’ve actually never seen proposed before: a malicious revenge suicide?! Delightfully gothic, if probably not the case.
You can read more about it here if you’re into this stuff.
Elizabeth and Dudley of course had much the same reaction as their real life counterparts: they recognized immediately that their hopes of being together died with Amy.
Meanwhile Claude, after a good talk with Greer, apologized to Leith in the cutest way possible, assuring him she loved Latin, and then got herself some phallus erectus if you know what I mean.
Meanwhile Mary had chosen a Spanish-inspired red lace veil for her hasty marriage to Don Carlos, a very thoughtful gesture considering Don Carlos was already plotting how to kill her.
Mary had only a few hours before her wedding ceremony in which to end an international alliance and reveal a regicidal murder plot without causing a scandal. And because she’s our Mary, she pulled it off without breaking a sweat, by drafting a new marriage contract that left out the Crown Matrimonial.
When Don Carlos refused to sign it, the jig was up.
Hahaha. They were both trying to take gross advantage of each other and then got called out on it. This is actually way more in keeping with how royal marriages went back in the day.
Luckily Catherine had Mary’s back.
You have got to love Catherine.
At the end of the episode, Mary revealed that a) she had been reading Gideon’s mail this whole time and b) she realized now Elizabeth was holding his daughter captive so maybe his loyalties to the English Queen were not absolute? “Tell her you blew up my marriage scheme, get those brownie points.” Mary suggested. “Also thanks for not letting me get killed.”
The pros of male roommates, or balcony-mates, I guess.
Also mere hours after getting down on a heaping helping of Leith, Claude learned Narcisse had decided to auction her off in marriage to the highest bidder in order to pay the French army. Looks like those heavy emotional consequences of physical intimacy were immediately in play!
Also Delphine took off and Bash was like “Okay fine bye” but before she headed out of the castle she mentioned feeling warm, like she was sitting in front of a fire…
and the next thing you know a guy sitting in front of a fire turned around a killed a lady! The killer is in the castle!
Uh oh guys. The game is afoot! Everyone is a suspect!
Hahaha this recap is so long. Thanks for staying with me through the whole thing! What are your IRL Amy Dudley theories? Do you think IRL Elizabeth I and Robert Dudley ever got to consummate their romantic relationship? And finally, Gideon: on a scale of zero to Heath, how Ledgery?
