40 day dream

There are some days where it gets to be too much When my teeth chatter and my head hurts And I can't find solace in my work Or comfort in my skin Where flakes fall flat like salt grains And nails bare bloody edges My feet drag across pavements Where wind sweeps no wake in me And the desires to step in places unknown Gets swept away like ashes To be spread where I always go I hold a comfort in the past Like my memories hold the answers to my happiness But on days like these they ooze away Leaving me exposed and fraud With nothing left to grasp on to And I'll be blown away by the breeze

I looked into visiting those caves in Mexico Where the giant crystals grow So large you couldn't believe That there was not some higher power That's made everything so unbelievable And I read a story About how it's no longer open to the public Because a worker tried stealing a piece To find that the conditions there Were too hot if you weren't prepared And he suffocated to death They currently keep the caverns open To study the already formed crystals And they'll one day close them off So new ones can grow So with that I'll never know How it feels to be amongst the stars Amongst greater things than myself And to substantiate why I feel so small

My entire life I've been digging Deeper and deeper down Until the walls are so tall I can't climb out So I'm trying to make it through the earth To reach the other side Like I thought was possible when I was 5 But the magma is flowing in fast And the deeper I go The harder it is to breathe Weighed down in humidity With no protective suit to save me Eventually I think I'll be crushed Lungs collapsed from overworking Eventually so deep The light at the top will disappear And fade from the pinpoint it was before I don't think any ladders can save me here So deeper I'll go Until my ends meet the fate of the earth

I wonder if you sliced me like a tree If you counted all the rings And saw the scars from the forest fires From every girl I could not admire Scarred and thick from prejudice Nails digging deep into fists I wonder if they'll show thin Like the body that's never been Showing weak signs of undergrowth From loving too much and loving you most And never learning to get taller than that

Today I learned That Americans are outliers Much better at examining singularities Instead of how they fit into the whole Analysts of the particularities Where individualism strives Today I learned I am much more American than I asked for

I am trying hard to be understanding To realize my little sliver of the world Is not indicative of the whole Where strawberry jam on toast Tastes like a home I never knew Where little significance is held elsewhere I'm not sure what it means to be empathetic When I've experienced so little With hardships that give like jello And blows to my head left no marks Tinkering on poor foundations Not built for earthquakes Could I even begin to understand What it means to be in your shoes To see what you've mean Except from a window With a superiority complex that comes From acting like I get it I am not made for fame and fortune To try and root myself in my own life Instead of prod into others Through vessels far disconnected Letters that will never be responded to Shoes that will never be worn I wonder if one day I can call strawberry jam on toast pie Full and warm and complete And stop pretending My home applies to all

I feel like all my poems are the same Writings of rain and fluttering hearts And I feel like each work Is just a reorganization of the last Like viewing something 500 different ways And maybe it's all just one big poem About nothing at all Golden days and dreary nights Sweet summertimes and lightning strikes Or maybe I just live by the same motifs Always floating in my head Like unoriginal thoughts held on repeat

I want more empty days Filled with sun filtering through yellow panes Naps on floors and unkempt beds Spending hours staring at the ceiling Recharging in the lack of being Sometimes I exaggerate my stories Telling tales grander than my past Like my mom would do for years Spouting lies to be more exciting To have something to talk about Sometimes I wonder if I bore you How my fascination of the mundane Of being held quiet and forgotten Translates poorly on my existence Instead painting portraits of my mind To heal bruises otherwise unseen I'm stuck between Giving a weight of importance to everything And hoping to leave nothing behind From years of being told I'm worth it And years of believing firmly I'm not I wonder if you enjoy our empty days Where silence holds time still And all we have is the warmth of our skin The light of the setting sun And the sound of unworried hearts Beating softer than usual

I wonder if I'll ever feel unrestricted love The type where you swear You can feel your souls touching (Not that I believe in souls) I wish I knew How to be unconditional Through others and through myself To be unconstrained And know how to give fully To feel full from it all I hope that I can end up letting myself be happy One day To instead stop worrying about The joy of others And instead let myself be free Maybe one day I'll stop pushing everyone away To stop digging myself a hole Of self deprecating misery And to stop containing myself Like a prison I've built Simply for the punishment of being I think this is a shitty poem Because I'm feeling drunk and alone And I'm retreating like I always do Like I always will Even with you (Have I ever not?)

There's a sort of softness I hope you never lose Like an automatic gentleness to your touch Keeping me safe from deep settled bruises Unlike times I've spent alone Like maybe there's something more to me Than the colors under my skin Like I don't need those reminders Keeping all the pain stored up like fading memories And I'm glad to have something that doesn't hurt me And I'm glad that you love me And I'm glad nothing is here to harm me now

It is warm out today Warm enough to soak in Leaving marks like crumbs In my otherwise milk skin Where red will turn to gold And hair turns bright like summer Maybe warm enough to swim And not shiver from going under I used to not like the heat Growing up where heat meant Burnt soles on stovetop pavements Where freedom of obligation Left you trapped indoors To stay frosty in artificial air But when you've only known cold Brisk winds in alleyways And fogs thick enough to forget the sun I wish I had more time To sit in the grass and soak it all in In a few weeks I plan to cut my hair off On the longest day of the year Short enough to tickle my ears To set my chin straight Cutting off the weight and the heat To still give myself some sense of freedom

I wonder what it feels like To not feel overstimulated To have a calmer mind for once Instead of questioning everything And why it matters anyway It doesn't help That I can't feel my fingertips Tracing numb paths along my ears Pieces of me falling away like snow To be feasted upon by mites And drifted off as dust And I wonder where these thoughts go Why so much of my time and energy Feels like it's wasted away On a heart that beats too fast Sending vibrations down my spine In line with racing thoughts and fears I'll try to catch up in my sleep But my mind seems just as active then Pulling moths from my eyes In vivid dreams unseen Leaving me in cold sweats and fumbled wake With no energy saved for daytime I wonder if I'll ever learn To meditate, to forget calamity To stop realizing how minuscule I am And to stop trying to burn myself up If only in thoughts instead of actions Maybe one day I can sleep forever And forget every flow of energy I hardly knew

You would like it in the spring here Where jasmine grows abundant Sending sweet scents you helped me grow to admire Where calla Lillie spoke heads around river beds Growing with ease and no precision Unlike false Mother's Day gifts and presents past It's warm without being overbearing When the sunlight sinks into your skin Leaving you glowing and kissed Unlike the burns of surefire summertimes Sometimes when it rains I think of days spent reading in bed with you Keeping you company in sleep But there's no thunder Like the light of your life is only meant for home

I’ve learned my father smokes finding his burnt matches floating in the toilet after extended periods in the shower with no wet hair to show for it where he is just as content as I to not leave the walls of the apartment and to wallow in everything we don’t have and I can’t help it but to think back about that one night where all I could do was sit upon the rooftop staring out into the city lights and remark on what wonderful lives we lead to have the option to see such a view and when I stated this to you you simply commented back “you’re so high” because its sadly out of character for me to see such beauty in my life and I wondered if you loved me as strongly as the words spilling from my mouth or if instead of passion we just have this comfort in knowing and I don’t know if that’s better still but I can’t help but relish the idea of living a life with you and maybe at some point compromising on how hot our showers should be so we can have wet hair together and no matches to show for it

I miss the sound of feeling alive Blood rushing through my ears To the beat of my pounding heart Where all sights and sounds Feel harmonious Like one single living thing That I finally chose to be a part of Letting down all guards and all walls To finally take everything in To be a part of it But it's hard to remember how to do that To be able to let go Because when I'm most alive I'm most vulnerable And I've been scarred and battered Bruised permanently in ways I can't forget And I can't let everything in at once so easily Because the weight of everything can be a lot And my legs are only strong enough to stand But maybe I'm just making excuses Using my past lives as my own ball and chain Never learning to let go and forget Never looking forward Or at what I have now Maybe I'm scared to let my past go To allow myself to be happy for once Because I've known this darkness Owned it like a blanket Encasing me in familiar thoughts That are much easier to process than the entirety of it all

I think a lot about the past Actions and choices that could have gone differently With regrets that curl around my teeth like cigarettes Past kisses acting as pivotal moments Where an album played on repeat meant going too far And traipsing on hilltops meant not going far enough Bottles strewn on beaches And gummy bears leaving residue like sap And I get weak to my knees At the weight of all that has happened And all that could have been Where one night out could have changed crowds One phone call defining my life for 4 years A Christmas present defining my life for a decade And where would I be otherwise And is it better than here