sun shining brighter
it’s so hot these days
and i can barely see
the world bends
as this heat rises
from the asphalt
from the
black, dark, burning
asphalt
and i hear the train
it’s coming to town
my lover took a ticket
standing in line,
making eye contact
with tied laces,
my eyes in blankets
made of this pavement
to bring ||
i packed it all up
an overstuffed reminder,
it’s all in this heart
it’s all
in this heart
cracking the sides open
it seems to stare back at me
it seems to have big familiar eyes
i see roads
full of people
people who know me
who know they know me
and the gravity makes my hands
and the suitcase begins to open
as i scream, betrayed by my body
it pours it’s everything
all on top of me
and the weight
crushing, polite, childish
under this pressure
under these woods,
developed into parking lots
under your mom’s house
in a room i’ve not seen in years
through whispers of sentiment
through windows staring at strangers
i am small
and my fingers fit around a finger
i am little
in this big body
and these ears,
sensitive, disciplined, distant
my all knowing eyes
open your eyes
focus on the road
drive. the car
you could have taken the train
in your eyes ||
your mirror’s all cracked
coming out of the bathroom
intimacy in the foreign
do you stare in that?
your red’s blood-colored
mother’s hair-paint brush
wet the canvas
black and white we begin
color seems to come out
as the perfect shatters softly
and i’m lead into this room
where we keep the portraits,
or what we can remember of them
cockroaches scutter up the walls
smells familiar,
did someone light a cigarette?
and can i have a puff
sitting around the art,
eyes on me
i smoke on the inhale
and i die on the exhale
you keep it nice in here,
picking cobwebs off it all
must be nice to be here,
staring at lines in your skin
artists, the lot of us
artists,
god
i run the track
it starts here,
it ends here
and i run this track every day
i'm the only person,
to do this every
day
i am adonis
to keep the pace
and the neighbors watch
me, a local phenomenon
i’ve heard they place bets
sometimes i am joined
they never keep pace
some don’t know how to keep
to keep my pace
i know how
to keep everyone’s pace
never the same people
always the same track
never the same pace
in the early mornings,
sick
tired
rolling out of bed and onto the track
the neighbors
waving on their routine
my brain is made of cereal
poured from my government issued box
my feet are machines that run on gasoline
and this automaton, cold metal body
on this treadmill i see no neighbors
it’s a desolate party
and i choose to run
everyday
even the days where i walk,
my body knows we’re running
i’m fooling everybody
they let me think
i’m fooling everybody
i chant, my mantra
and i trip
water, please ||
my heart bangs
slamming its head
against a fragile chest
i hear it in my ears
a ringing
a screaming
we cut her line
god, years ago.
the heart, muzzled
pulling on the chains
free, for a moment
grasping the wet of my throat
a warm feeling in my stomach,
aiding her escape
she stumbles,
back to prison
people ask to see
ask what she’s done
and i begin to laugh?
as she crushes my lungs
and i begin to fall
crumbling to the ground
i become a pile of everything
a puddle, can you see your reflection?
it’s in there.
slowly,
pouring it all into some new container
maybe this will last
forged from experience
i beg,
please let this last
i have no brain
but i have a big mouth
and a sharp tongue.
i have no heart
a well kept secret
a well kept experiment
just a hypothesis
jericho
pushing my car,
across the thruway
beaming.
no one stops,
i’m running,
we’re going fast enough, it seems
i wanted to hit you
standing there,
right where i’m headed.
maybe its the sun
maybe it was time to rest
maybe i believed you
sitting
talking
as they zoom by
and i see your shoes,
run down
as they zoom by
and they zoom by
and you touch my face
to look in your eyes
holding me enough
to pop me open
yawning, for the first time,
crying
back to the road
stationary on the shoulder
full on gas
and you’re driving,
just old shoes, i guess
and you were always driving
i get out, to walk, without pushing
proposeful ||
a house empty and alone
dishes that do themselves
clean, all the time
even when it’s dirty
i sit quietly in the rooms
losing my mind
finding myself
leaving everyone behind
it was dark that night,
that i dropped the bomb
on this town
and i was the fireplace
and it was summer
and lit, everyone held water
but he
the glorious, fucking, ethereal
between sobs, i am held
one body i am loved
let my hand hold this other
never once has he left
through the ash
he was
some may call me lonely
i am the luckiest hermit
for i love my husband
for i am my husband
kick me
they used to put it on my back
now,
i stand here,
begging
touch me
however you please
kick me.
i am in no position to ask
i am in no position
to do anything.
but beg.
there’s a tone
five to be exact
in your voice
and i am a body of water
you will fit inside,
no matter the position,
no matter the disposition,
no matter
i would see the trip
the stumble to the ground
and running, i would come
no speed too fast
sliding down to the ground
to the bottom of the earth
no one could come faster
and in a tight embrace
with a bright face
to make your weight light
the world fell off your shoulders and onto mine
harder than a boulder
the drink in my hand
glancing over polaroid memories
i remember how nowadays,
i would see your lips
reaching to meet mine
i knew.
and placing mine
gently on your cheek
he’s behind a door
someplace we lost the key to
that cheerleader
(UNFINISHED)
it was melting
wet, chocolate pieces
staining pieces
gravity pulling them down to earth
to fall gently onto this shirt
something so quickly tossed into my life
finding our love in the pointless
in the two days straight it’s played on my body
to the idea of ownership
to the promise to see eachother again
imagining, like fabric softener
how this fell on your body
and the remembering of how to sat on mine
in the hope of seeing you,
wearing this piece of me,
in this piece of you
running messy fingers along the spots
caused by my being in it
catching whiffs of us together in my
my intimate moments alone
of you, coloring in my everyday
pulling the fabric to my nose
submerging myself in the middle
hugging it’s limp form,
remembering that i will one day hug you
one day a plane,
and one day a city,
in a language we hope to know
in a language you care so much more deeply about than me
in my suitcase,
something i forgot to give you
my ticket to ride
my starving hands,
quivering, handing it off to you
a shirt covered in life
my life
god,
it almost looks like a ring
there’s a weight to the conversation
the art of talking at all
i’m an olympic champion
by god’s petty hand forcing my own
they would hang my mouth in the louvre
i am robotic, so perfectly human
the work it took to build this body
around my delicate frame,
as he played with his toys
these days i catch myself coughing blood
and i catch myself an expert at hiding it in the laughs
i’m working on a pack of cigarettes
i mean, you’d be surprised,
but this thing is so adaptive
perfect in its learning
so anyways,
it takes balls to be this bold
being a man helps,
sorry if that’s shitty to say
i’m just the universe’s little fucking baby
sitting and sobbing in this crib
sorry to be so quiet,
just thinking,
watching him is so fun, i think
god what a soul, you know?
so glad to be so quiet,
i think we do a good job.
we keep a nice, tidy little ship here
i remember the first time we went somewhere.
and i said, god, maybe…?
ten words. the whole time.
such peace.
to be, quiet. happily.
i would say he’s the reason i retired from happy
or was it some mix of it all,
somehow all at one time,
just me being over it,
him being so damn excited,
and finding each other in the middle
aquarius ||
distant, and far away
in the same room.
to the moon
at my desk
across this ocean
minimalist
decorating on a budget
i think our thoughts do nicely
i had forgotten the sound of silence
but it sat in the way you worry
pouring from fingertips busy at work
on your own shit
i find the motivation
to do my own shit
while completely and utterly obsessed
me, the coming up, the bubbling of the champagne
a glass a week old
and not a care in the world
the beauty in not a single word
talk for hours,
i’ll be here in my armchair
the one we found together
conversation glances
pieces of eternity only we can see
oh, to be so smart
oh, to be so wise
surrounded by the nicest
most comfortable
and the wonderful world of being alone
with you
as the world ||
to smoke,
with you
i smoke alone,
with you
clove cigarettes
watching cars that you know the model of
cars i can only see as people’s
it’s the web that’s so pretty
made up of our collection of everything
i don’t need flowers
i don’t need you to look at me
just knowing that the time
this time we spend together
for you, is for me
for me, everything in one exhale
midday movement
and the moon
in a dark, barely
lit porch
momental monologuing
just so much whining, on my part
and that hand, you must moisturize, passing every barrier
painting green where once was red
i swear god must have stapled my mouth shut
i waste time wondering
time you spend loving my quiet
i’ll find you domestic
fuck your boxes
it’s a system,
unorganized in your unawareness
call it a pride thing
i’ll pity the fool
been wrong before,
many times before
i’ll be everyone
in the coming moments
i’ll be quiet
so waste your breath
something to learn
that, i’ll admit
but mostly wasted breath
selfish attrition disguised as selfless prescription
monday night quarterbacking ||
one day my mother will be dead
and the other day i wished for it
but today i know it will ruin me
i fear further that with each year that passes us by
my love for her,
and by extension this life,
will become more profound and layered
a cat the same age as i am
at my old age
will pass some day soon
and i know,
so deeply,
that a part of me will be laid to rest
beside his body,
which these days holds labored breaths
i remember from the future
an older, wiser, more loving me
wishing he’d loved my mother
as if she would die the next day,
knowing she’s to die in the coming days
i think the song will change
as it tends to
when she finally leaves
how many days before it will she hope for it to come quicker
or will she cling to each final breath,
praying for another one to make its way in
will i be close enough to hold her hand,
the way my rebellious, young me would never
one day my mother will be dying
and i will become kinder
i am only left to beg my current self
to love them all so honestly
so that when she is gone
there they are
my sister is the youngest
an echo of a human being
in every family portrait
who grew into the loudest scream
and as we,
together,
in absolute silence,
lower our older brother back into the earth
she is overcome with the reality,
one she’s come to face twice before.
staring into her empty, drowning
i am trapped in my body
desperate to be the older brother
begging the ground to swallow her whole
so i may lift the burden
of the last one alive