Solitude

You get so worked up about being ignored that I just can’t stand you. Why are you like this??? Every little thing makes me want to leave you. Do you even realise how unappealing you are to me right now? Your personality is so irritating sometimes and I am reaching the end of my patience with you. Look, I get that having something you said be ignored can be an issue. I get annoyed when people do that too, and sometimes it even makes me think less of them when they ignore a very obvious thing. But calm the hell down. I never do it on purpose and with the way the way we type, sending sentences with breaks, things are bound to get lost as they go off the screen. Why can’t you stop being such a child?

I’ve only just noticed something. When I’m in a bad mood, I may direct some of it at you, but when I realise I’m being unreasonable I try to back off. I try to remove myself from the situation because otherwise it won’t end. Even if I’m in the wrong, I know at the very least I won’t be in the mood to apologise or be agreeable in any way until some time has passed. However, as usual when you feel that you have been wronged, you’ll refuse to let me leave and demand an apology, reprimanding me for my behaviour. You on the other hand, when you direct frustration at me, you may funnel that into something you have an issue with and then reprimand me for it (one recent example being how I don’t leave when I should, like ending phone calls or being dropped off). And if I respond to your behaviour with frustration, you’ll reprimand me for not asking what is wrong. Honestly, all you do is tell me off. Do you think I’m just going to take it all the time? Sometimes you are being unreasonable but you refuse to budge. What I would like is for you to say “go cool your head” when I’m acting up instead of making it worse by pushing and pushing. Or you can leave when you’re being moody because I don’t deserve your attitude when you’re angry about something else. Fuck, seriously. I hate that part of you so much. Stop trying to force me to follow your ways.

I know it’s dumb since I already said I wouldn’t go to the costume party for that person’s sake, but I can’t help but be sulky. Everyone seemed to be having fun, and I really wanted to be part of that. When I got back to my room, I put on the onesie I would’ve worn and did my own thing. I suppose this was my way of compensating for missing out. I know it’s not that person’s fault for feeling anxious, it’s my fault. But I can’t help but resent that part of them a little.

I said I wouldn’t go to that party for that person’s sake, but I feel irritated. They said I could go if I wanted and how they would “get over it”, but there’s no way he would be ok with it. I feel irritated at the people around me and I feel irritated that I cant enjoy myself without upsetting that person somehow because I haven’t built up that trust.

I just want people to leave me alone. My brother won’t shut up. He complains all the time, and he expects me to just listen to it. I don’t know when it happened but interacting with him has become a chore. Two thirds of what he says are complaints and negative things about himself. It’s tiring hearing the same thing over and over again, especially when he doesn’t even try to change anything. He gave up a long time ago, yet he continues to complain about how he’s still the same. My dad is selfish, constantly interrupting people and saying garbage like “listen to me” or “shut up”. He’s so inconsiderate of other people and I genuinely despise his attitude. He’s always bragging about himself, even making my accomplishments his own by saying “of course she would so great. She’s my child.” And then there’s that person.

Once again, we’re back here. Back to how I don’t enjoy sex. How you’re growing impatient. How it hurts for me and how scary it can be. How we don’t seem to understand one another. And once again, I want to cry. Am I abnormal? I refuse to believe so. I refuse to believe I’m a mutation of “normal” women who can enjoy sex. But what if I really am an outlier? No matter what you say, the only thing that stays the same is that I’m at fault. You don’t blame me, but aren’t I cause of all this? If only I felt pleasure. If only it didn’t hurt for me. If only I would react. But I don’t. This will probably be a big factor in why we break up. There are lots of reasons why we’ll break up, realistically. But if sex is important to you, you don’t deserve this.

Am I unreasonable for wanting alone time? I honestly don’t know. I don’t know if I’m wrong for not properly talking to that person for the past few days because I’ve reached my limit with human interaction. They say humans are naturally social creatures, so why am I like this? I genuinely feel a need to be left alone right now. I don’t want to talk to people, and I feel like it’s my right to be alone when I want to be. This person thinks I’ve “had enough time” and am just pretending to want to be alone, thinking I’m just trying to avoid them and ultimately break up with them. They mention that relationships don’t just involve me, that I’m not the only one who is affected by things. But I’m also my own person. I know my own limits. They keep saying they’ve had enough of everything, so it probably won’t be long before they say they want to break up. How will I feel when it happens? I don’t feel anything right now. I could barely muster up the ability to say I loved them. In my current state, I will probably accept things ending. If they were patient and more understanding... but would that just be them accepting my selfishness? I just don’t feel ready to talk to people. Is that really selfish of me?

Yes, sexual harassment affects people regardless of gender, and yes, there needs to be more attention on male victims. But it’s like changing #blacklivesmatter to #alllivesmatter after a hate crime. Yes, all lives matter, but it isn’t what you should be focusing on. 

I saw some people from my high school at my uni today attending another high school classmate’s graduation. Three of them were people I never really talked to, and three of them were people I sort of talked to back then. I couldn’t help but feel resentment towards those people. I knew they didn’t particularly like me, and they probably looked down on me. I hated being in front of them, but at the same time, I wish I had been a part of them. It wasn’t jealously, or maybe it was? But it was certainly resentment that they were who were they were, and I was who I was. It’s been four years since I’ve seen most of them, but that feeling was still here. A feeling of discomfort and hatred. The feeling of being an outsider.

You gave me the password to your Facebook a while ago, though even you didn’t understand why you had done that. It wasn’t until today that I decided to search up old the old conversations you had with friends, mostly in relation to me. Some were cute, where you talked about how you thought it was going well. Some were a little embarrassing, where you admitted you were iffy about some of the things I did. But then I came to a conversation where you admitted “realistically”, you knew we wouldn’t end up together. We had had a conversation about this before, where I told you I didn’t see a future for us because we had different values. But you didn’t give any specific reasons in the Facebook conversation, so it’s probably just because of who I am as a person. I know it’s unfair of me to feel like this because I had said the same thing to you, but it almost feels like I’ve been lied to. Whenever I asked you if you had thought about breaking up, you always said no. There are some days where I’m realistic and would agree with you. But there are also days when I can’t imagine not having someone as supportive and loving as you in my life. In the end, that’s just selfish of me, right? There was always going to be an end to this relationship, but who will have the courage to destroy this reality first?

I realised something last night as I lay in bed. I think my depression came back. It probably faded around two years ago when I joined the group of people I called friends for the New Years thing, and when I really felt close to them. But with my anxiety coming back and a friend’s uncaring response, my moods haven't gotten better. I kept thinking it was just a mood swing, but they wouldn't usually last this long. It hasn't helped that at the end of this semester I'm supposed to graduate, and I have nothing solid in place afterwards because my degree is useless. I've become an angry person, directing my unhinged emotions at people who probably don't really deserve it. I'm just so broken down. I'm so tired of failing all the time. I'm so tired of being misunderstood. I'm so tired of caring for people who won't ever feel the same way. I can't help crying as I write this. I'm just so tired of being this disgusting, pathetic, despised creature.

There was a group of people I thought I could call friends. I would talk about them with a smile, and laugh at all the inside jokes. But I’ve been feeling like an outsider for a while now. When I post in a group chat, I typically don’t get a reply. I tried messaging one of the people about it, but his response made me feel worse. He said I “brought it upon [my]self” in regards to when this anxiousness began. We were out as a group at the time, and I was feeling a bit out of place, and I ended up crying. They tried to talk to me, but I was more focused on stopping myself from crying so I ignored them. I understand it was my fault, but he lacked tact. Perhaps it wasn’t his intention to make me feel awful, but I certainly ended up doing that. Today was just generally bad. In class, we had a few group discussions. Whenever I tried to speak, I was either ignored, or someone else would start talking at the same time. Either way, I would trail off and look down at the table in defeat. Being ignored really does suck. I tried talking to a classmate from high school, but it was awkward and difficult. Why is it so difficult for me to talk to people? Just why?

Sometimes when I say I’m sad or feeling down, you’ll try to be there for me. But sometimes, you’ll respond with “why are you like this.” You grow tired of my moods. But I too grow tired of yours. When you’re annoyed because of a game or something else, and I say something/ don’t say something that ends up irritating you, you start directing your hostility towards me. That is not ok. It’s not difficult to tell when you’re angrier than usual. And sometimes, you continue on a topic I clearly want to end. You corner me, repeating a question I only think of the answer a little too late to. You like that feeling of superiority since you can accuse me of a bunch of things. I’m forced to be levelheaded because you’ll only react badly to anger. But I am actually very angry. You’re a fucking child.

I thought I wasn’t depressed anymore, but lately, I don’t think that’s true. I’ve lost interest in things I used to love, and my desire to combat this feeling of hopelessness is virtually non-existent. I went to a graduate expo today, hoping to find something that would make me feel like my Bachelor of Arts degree was somehow useful. But all I discovered was how little I can do. I possess no worthy skills, I continue to procrastinate everything, and I’m just so unhappy with recent things. It frustrates me how people can speak so well to others, while I am often ignored or spoken to quickly. Yesterday, I participated in a career conversation seminar where we could supposedly discuss our career prospects. We were told to introduce ourselves, our course, and our plans for postgrad. I was put off by the presenter’s response when she simply stared at me and went “ok” after I was done, while engaging with each previous speaker. Was it because I was doing a Bachelor of Arts? Was it because my voice was too shrill for her to understand me? Was it because I said I wasn’t sure about what I wanted to do after I finished this degree? And today, as I wandered around the expo, the few exhibitionists I did speak to said very little. I’m aware that I need to speak more. I’m aware! But just talking more means nothing if nobody listens. I’m so frustrated. I’m just… just so tired of failing. Part of the reason I started this blog was because I hoped someone on this site would notice me and be able to relate my problems. But it’s been a long time, and nobody has. Doesn’t that show how pointless things are? I continue living because I’m terrified, but I have no purpose. I was born, I’ll live, and then I’ll die. Nothing will be remembered of me.

I had been crying the night before as well, and I told that person I was feeling crappy. They kept asking what was wrong, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell them. At some point, I started crying again so I put my phone down and tried to go to sleep. That person kept messaging me, asking what was wrong and not to leave in the middle of a conversation. And then they became annoyed, saying crap like “forget it. I didn’t do anything wrong” and therefore implying my behaviour was completely unwarranted. Not everything is about you. Not everything is related to you in some way. But now it definitely is. You claim to really care about me, but the moment you become annoyed, you’re the “victim” and I’m the unreasonably moody jerk who is only acting like this to spite you. It just reminds me of how undependable that person is. In my moments of depression, I might not want to talk about it, but having someone to talk to regardless might be helpful. But that person just can’t do that for me. It’s not their fault of course, it’s me for having such high hopes for no reason. I should have expectations anymore. It’s just too much to be constantly disappointed by my own delusions.

Hey, what am I supposed to do? My birthday was yesterday, but I felt miserable because so few people I cared about wished me a happy birthday. I know it seems so childish to care about that, and I hate myself for it. But... is it that wrong to care? I’m always feeling guilty for caring too much about things, and other people would say the same thing. But is it wrong to care about these things? It just made me feel lonely. These feelings lasted all night and into the morning, where I couldn’t bring myself to get up to go to work. After my mother yelled at me a number of times, my father opened the door and told me to get up. All of a sudden, he raised his voice extremely loudly. My father has probably never screamed that loudly for that long before. At least not at me. “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND THINGS!! WHAT CAN YOU DO AT HOME (that’s so important)?!” were some things he repeated. And when I started crying, he began shouting, “WHO CARES ABOUT THAT PERSON. JUST GET RID OF THEM.” But it wasn’t about that person. It wasn’t about being lazy or that I didn’t understand my responsibilities. I was crying in front of him, and he kept yelling. He just kept going. Did he think all that screaming would make me spring out of bed and go to work? I began digging my nails into my arm, trying to direct my focus to the pain, but it stopped working. I have small red lumps because of that. It’s not like I think anyone will ever properly understand me, because that’s normal. But you know what? It’s one thing to not understand. It’s another to not even fucking try.

My moods go up and down. Some days I am content with my life, knowing for now, I don’t need to rush. Other days, I remember how little I’ve accomplished, and how little people think of me. Right now, there’s not one person I can think of that I can reach out to and be willing to accept me. I used to think that person would become that someone who I could always go to. I used to think that person would be my other half, and that we were together because of a genuine connection. But I know now that I was very wrong. No matter how much fun we have together, or how much we’ve revealed to one another, there’s always a crevice between us. We have similar interests, but we have very different values. That person blatantly hates and becomes angry with people or issues for whatever reason, while I’m impartial to many things. That person isn’t homophobic, but doesn’t support gay marriage, saying it should have a different name. That person isn’t an extreme racist, but has expressed a dislike towards native Chinese and Muslims. That person supports Trump’s ideals. These things can be overlooked because that person isn’t doing anything to harm anyone, but I know these opinions won’t be easily changed. I know I can’t be with someone like this forever. Even though I’ve cried many times because of that person, it’s still better than being alone.