For Memories Sake

- Not the most pleasant discovery was made during the night out, involving my crush and a good friend, slightly and stupidly paranoid that I am going to die alone

The saddest part of it is that for once you thought you had a chance

So it’s two days after my 19 birthday, I’m currently sitting in a room full of birthday cards from friends and family. My door is currently locked, outside in the corridor of my university halls flat, it one of my flat mates and his friends. They are all very drunk, I can here them stumbling around, slamming into my door because they aren’t sober enough to stand up straight. On one hand I am very thankful that I remembered to lock my door, by on the other hand, it would be quite nice to have them fall in, have a laugh with them and a little chit chat. Recently I have been feeling more lonely than usual, which is strange seeing as this is the least lonely I have ever been. I’m doing a course I loved, with 100 other people who are like me and I get on great with, this is a massive contrast from school. All of the schools I went to where very science based, and I’ve had known since primary school that I wanted to do drama and later on a found a passion in film. For A levels, I had multiple people, friends and random students come up to me and tell me that I would never get anywhere in life with the subjects I chose, and if you weren’t doing Maths then there was no point being in school. For course I didn’t listen to any of them. My friends were slightly more tactful, but I always could tell that they thought I was the stupid one. Suddenly I’m done with school and I get into my first choice uni to study film and theatre. I quickly fall in love, with the course, the building, the people. Everything is great, I get on really well with 6 out of the 7 flat mates (long story) I have loads of course friends, I’ve joined societies and I’ve become more spontaneous. But still in the evenings I get a sudden wave of loneliness and the feeling that I am unwanted. I think it mainly comes from my friendship with my flat, though I am friends with them I can tell I am no ones favourite, 2 of the girls have best friended off together, a bromance between 2 of the guys, a quiet guy who is always at home and a sport jock who is busy with his sports teams. When I see them in the kitchen I always have a good laugh, but later once everyone has disappeared into their rooms, I don’t feel brave enough to go and chat to any of them, and none of them ever come to me (I know for a fact that most of them are always talking throughout the day and night). On flat nights out, I am the one everyone forgets about and forgets to include in flat gossip. It’s weird, I’m not a shy person and I’m sure it sound like I am complaining like a whiny bitch. I think what I need is a best friend, I have got one but we have been living in different countries for 2 years and now we are both back in England we meet up every couple of months. Even with him, I always have a doubt in the back of my mind ‘does he consider me his best friend’. I’m trying to work on this little problem I’m having, eating more healthy (because I eat shit right now), exercise (not even just more, because I don’t do anything right now) use this blog to talk about the good things happening in my life and think out the problems in it, and to try and invite my course friends to do things with me, tomorrow I am inviting 7 friends over for predrinks. It’s not much but it’s a beginning.

After getting back to uni we went our separate ways and I was left in shock because 1 hour talking to a stranger turned a really bad night out into a good night which made me feel more confident and a little bit less lonely. So even when you are at your lowest something very random can come around and completely flip your mood. 

When you forget to turn your stopwatch off

The sky was beautiful today

Airports are weird places

Sunsets

* I had my interview with South Wales and it went well. Hopefully they'll offer me a place soon * My film is nearly done, just a few little things left to do - I'm super tried and I think I might be getting ill. I'm too busy to get sick right now

* Me and my dad were cycling and we got caught in a huge storm and got completely soaked to the bone. It was cold but good fun * We also went to nandos after drying off - I had a really bad headache because of the storm

* I'm working really hard at school and it's starting to pay off, teachers are noticing and it makes you feel good, seeing that your hard work is being noticed * finally found some music for my film - Mad stress though

* I got a very brief edit of my film done and it doesn't look too bad. Lots of improvement to be made though * My friend who lives in England have got a 27 day snapchat streak it was over a month but we missed a day. It's nice having someone to send all your ugly selfies to knowing that they aren't going to judge you and will definitely send one back - There's a lot of work I still need to do and university interviews, it's getting very stressful and makes me feel lonely

* I went on the boat and we got the donut out but we have to go in early because it started to rain * I finally got a time and day for my interview and I have a lovely evening with my family watching TV and having a good laugh - I reached down to pick something up and my jeans split on the inner thigh so they have to go now and I have to go shopping for some new jeans

* I filmed my horror film today and it went really well, but it was very hot and we all got heat stroke. We managed to get all the scenes we needed so now I need to edit it, yay! * Church youth group was good fun, I got to hang out with some friends I haven't seen in a long time - The heat stroke made me feel really sick and made it difficult to concentrate