the plot will be based on my religious childhood trauma and my vision of hannigrams' love as a religious experience. i came up with a plot for fanfiction
shortly, AU! hannibal is a pastor in a small town near the forest. will is a desperate man because of the consequences of his mental problems and failures in life, who decided to come to god in order to somehow brighten up his life. gradually, he gets closer to hannibal, who, getting sadistic pleasure, manipulates him and puts pressure on his guilt. will sleeps worse, concentrates worse, his thoughts are occupied only with what punishment awaits him for his sins in life and how to avoid it. out of fear and anxiety, he prays on his knees in tears at night, and begins to lead a more ascetic lifestyle in the hope of being cleansed of his sins. hannibal encourages all this and says that only through suffering will he come to god in this messianism. and only through his help. but it won't work without him, and will finds himself dependent on faith and on hannibal, who is his only guide to god. at the same time, he notices a strange attraction to him and how they are attracted to each other, and graham is driven to suicidal thoughts by the realization that, in addition to all his sinful thoughts, he commits fornication in his thoughts with a priest: «i don't want the god, i want him». and in general, he suffers, hannibal gets high on his suffering and at the same time he also becomes addicted to Will
i did not come up with the end and the events which will happen while hannigrams are fckin suffering
it wouldn't be another story about predator priest who corrupt someone, it's about two people who desperately need good but understand that they're obsessed with each other more than they ever were obsessed with faith and they cant make difference between faith and obsession anymore. in such a fanfiction, hannibal would initially perceive everything as an experiment. he likes to watch will change, how his addiction grows, how he comes to confess in the middle of the night, trembling and exhausted. but then he's starting to need will's presence on his own. he gave someone else an addiction and discovered that he got into it himself.
the other part, where more attention is paid to hannigram without god isn't personal, i just need to expose the comparison of their love to religious experience so bad. it makes me so inspired and it's just so beautiful.
the happy ending, (if it can be called so) would be the acceptance by both of them of their abnormality and escape together. a logical but sad and rather devaluing ending would be will's suicide, but idk... ill probably come to something on my own.
tw: personal things and lot of whining
now... i really like the idea of taking the thoughts that haunted me when i was going through the worst times being a religious child in disgusting living conditions hated by everyone and traumatized several times, and to transfer this experience to a character who is suitable for this. like, i really can imagine a person like will hopelessly begging for god to forgive his sins because he's terrified of his sufferings continuing for an eternity. making sketches of some scenes (will's first confession, sleepless night and etc) felt like I'm sitting in catholic summer camp again in the night, begging god to help me, for forgiveness for essentially non-existent sins. every step objectionable to a domineering mother, and then my lustful thoughts in early age, which i considered as sins and wept for hours day and night. when I was a teenager, i had some kind of...religious psychosis, probably... i went to a catholic camp, spent a lot of time in church, and at the age of 12 I started leading a church choir. and the realization that god did not help me despite all my pleas and sufferings...
i've never had anyone i could rely on in my life. i have been lonely and left to myself since childhood, and i have filled this void with my "heavenly father" (i have never had a father in my life). and all the pain that has accumulated in my mind since i was very young would have compensated very well and vividly for my inability to write, so this fanfiction would have been the place where i'll pour all my grieve and longing. all through what i went when i was desperate and hopeless
p s would it be cool to leave hannibal a cannibal in this fanfiction? i like the metaphor of cannibalism and eating the flesh with wine like eucharist like yk it would be cool i think. but in same time I need to watch to not overburden the plot by the amount of edgy stuff. yhe absorption and erasure of personality boundaries is a feature of both religious trauma and the original dynamics of hannigrams...*tries to escape from the straitjacket*
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