Pixiedust

i need to get out of this house.

i need my mom.

time is going by too fast.

every day is dragging on.

i want to see my best friend.

i need to be alone.

my father will never understand me.

my father and i are mortifying reflections of each other.

i don’t want you back.

no one will ever compare to you.

i have lost any and all faith in god or the afterlife. 

"no"

Is there truly nothing I can do to get myself out of this mess?

Am I lost beyond redemption?

Why do I keep on failing, again and again and again?

When did giving up become my nature?

Do I even care enough to change myself?

Have I become okay with living a life where I put in zero effort—

where I never push myself, where I never spend a single minute outside my comfort zone?

Am I doomed to spend my entire life

blasted with information every single waking moment

till I tire my mind and fall asleep—

28 feels old enough to stop second-guessing every decision I make

to rest when I’m tired instead of pushing until I break

to sit with my thoughts instead of running from them

to speak up — even if my voice shakes — in front of people and elders

to stand up for myself without guilt

to take charge when I know I can make things better

old enough to face the hard things

for me and for the people I love

old enough to stop doing things that slowly kill me

and start doing the ones that keep me alive longer

to build a body that won’t betray me when I’m older

to stop acting like a lost child

to stop searching for someone to guide me

I think I’m old enough now

This is Hercules. He looks peaceful now, but he’s full of menace.

On going mid life crisis-

In a couple of months, I am going to be 28 years old.

Judging by the average life expectancy where I live, statistically, I have already spent 50% of the time I have in this world.

And this thought alone is shaking me to my bones.

I always had very high expectations of myself.

I used to imagine that I would spend most of my time in the pursuit of mental, physical, and intellectual excellence —

that every single day I lived would be full of life and excitement.

The realization that I have spent most of my youth just barely surviving is wearing my heart down.

Watching the sunrise is always reassuring for me — like a promise that things will get better, as surely as the sun will rise again tomorrow.