995 years left on mother's sentence

they should invent a 9-5 where its only 3 hours instead of 8

You just don't get content like this anywhere else

ngl deep respect to this person for hauling ass and getting shit done for their friend like laugh all you want but this person was RIDE OR DIE

you can't use a portal gun to have sex with your own butt because every time you thrust your butt would get further away. You'd be like tantalus in the garden

The moral of The Lottery is that they threw rocks at her

would it krill you to have a little shrimpathy?

my cat hates taking his pills. the only way we can get him to eat them is to turn it into an elaborate pantomime - we take the packet out of the cupboard slowly and hold it up, saying “oh!! what’s this? what’s this? a TREAT? a TREAT for louis????” while making surprised faces. we offer him a pill… then, before he has a chance to sniff it, we wag our fingers at him and replace it in the packet so it becomes a Tantalising Forbidden Mystery. we continue doing this until he’s so confused and excited that he will eat the pill as fast as possible, just so he can find out what it is before we can take it away from him again. as soon as he’s eaten it he looks utterly disappointed and betrayed, like a child who just ate a delicious sweet only to find it was a chocolate-coated brussels sprout. it never gets old

Op this is the funniest thing I’ve ever read

50 First Doses

You trick Louis? You trick Louis like a common fool? Oh jail, jail for owners ONE MILLION YE-oh what’s this? A treat?