until broken one doesn't see what their made of

I’m hurting. I know everyone has there struggles, some worse some not so bad, but how crazy it is to still feel so alone in such dark times. Even when sharing my story many times it’s just a “I’m sorry” or quick hug and all is supposed to be better. What about asking me how I’m feeling the next day? It doesn’t all get better just like That....

I sit here alone on a friday night wondering really what my life will become. Will it always feel this lonely even with many around me? I sure hope not. I have fought to be alive and free as I am today. I have fought against anorexia, depression, self harm, suicidal ideations and all four of those things except depression are out of my life. Depression will always be a battle for me I believe, good days and bad days of it..

I know everyone has those moments that they want to escape and for me now is that moment. I want to escape this human dominated world full of busy work when all I truley want is to appreciate life, instead it’s filled with insecurities and pain. At the very least put me in a different society that is not so self absorbed and distant. It all seems so worthless...to work work work all the fucking time and the only breaks I get in my college years is to  go out to a party filled with people just looking to get laid. This is not my kind of world. Get me out. It’s almost like I can’t physically breath here. I want to be saved while I’m still young. I don’t want to lose myself to this fucked up society we have. There’s so much more going on than I even know, but what I see in my young mind is not how I want to see the world around me. 

We are such an unattractive species. So self centered and self worshiping. Ugh it’s sickening...I think I now get what my brother wrote in his suicide note. He does not desire anything in this life. While I do desire life and happiness I don’t desire what this society has to offer me. I will not end my life as he did, but instead I want to learn how to find joy even in this messed up world and hopefully once I am out of college I can move somewhere that I can feel is my home. I cannot say I’ve ever felt I’ve had a good home even with a caring family..we all have out issues I guess. 

Since this growing hunger

I started to live in wonder

Fighting upward left insurmountable

Questioning who really holds us accountable

 Why even try?

No wonder most search for that bottle or drugged high

Society’s toxins poisoning potential

Can these inequalities stop being confidential

 All most hearts can do is shatter

Can we just be told we matter?

Most desire to LIVE

Except these toxins make us detachably survive

 All these mirrors on our walls

Reflecting the illness in us all

Few thrive with such toxins

We want more options

 Working day in day out

Pleading for another route

Stop trying to categorize us

Let us be set free

Race onward for employment

Restrict life's enjoyment 

Only listen to the ticking of time

Surrounded by the clock's chime

Ears ringing with it's yelling to keep going

But it's my life that I'm owing

My life I'm awarding to the tick, tocks

Please..Stop this success talk

Be great

Be a certain weight

Be rich 

But that's all not my niche

Well here's permission to be you

Let the joy of life brew

Appreciate the smiles

Pay no attention to the clock's dials 

Instead count your minutes with laughter

Live the life you saught after

Live in that Dream of yours 

Don't worry about those test scores

It all melts away in the end

I'm not trying to convince a life of pretend

But focus more on being a good friend

Live above

Not just kind of

You are not unworthy 

But may be told you're nervy

Nervy for this lovely life you will hold

For this lovely life of being bold

Find your voice

This life is your choice

Forget time

It's only keeping us from this glorious upward climb... 

A journal post in a time of loneliness. I know how it feels. I remember how it felt. Reach out if you need someone to talk to <3

Sometimes I wonder who really knows heartache….

Wouldn’t those who do know actually do everything in their power to comfort those going through it? Because the pain is SO bad... you can’t even bear the pain of someone else experiencing it as you had?

No. People don’t do that. People won’t do that. I’ve experienced it with far too many.

Yes there are the handful of saviors but even then there’s limitations. Nothing is ever enough. Is that greedy? I don’t know. Maybe I am greedy….but I’m hurt. I’m in pain. I’m damaged right now.

“Don’t live in the past” is what they say

But the past is all I have with you

You’re too much to miss for me to ever be ok

Losing you is forever worse than repairing my fear to chew

 But the past is all I have with you

Turning to insanity with replaying all memories

Losing you is forever worse than repairing my fear to chew

A future without you only to be saturated with miseries

 Turning to insanity with replaying all memories

Now the only thing we feel is your absence

A future without you only to be saturated with miseries

Endlessly we are left with little answers; a suffocating silence

 Now the only thing we feel is your absence

We question… we cry

Endlessly we are left with little answers; a suffocating silence

You should not have been the one to die

 We question… we cry

Agony fails to describe such intangible truth

You should not have been the one to die

No life left to caress away your handsome youth

 Agony fails to describe such intangible truth

You’re too much to miss for me to ever be ok

No life left to caress away your handsome youth