im gonna say something foolish. but know i am much more of another mind here.
(the other mind: he does not want to pursue a romantic relationship with me, he is not attracted to me romantically. if we were really right for each other we'd have stayed crazy about each other even after the plan b scare and spiraling and him realizing he wasn't over his ex. that is DONE, we are FRIENDS now, homies, buddies, thats what we both want.)
now. for the foolish thing:
he keeps on iterating and slipping it between ideas that he doesn't know why his attraction faded and more specifically that he's not sure if it did or if the other things just got too big.
hes not over his last breakup. (he mentioned the chair on the balcony last night, thats new to me. what im piecing together is it hit him seeing me sitting in it every morning when he was ignoring it up until that point. he's keeping it on his balcony because she said she wants it back when she returns. he says he should get rid of it, i said he could give it to her cousin to hold onto/use until then. unless he's holding onto it bc it means she'll come back to him and he's holding onto hope. not healthy but if he wants to do that then, at least he's aware.) he says he really truly thought he was over it and that's the biggest problem that arose that sent him spiraling.
the pressure. he let himself get caught up in making it happen fast to make sure, got into his head about how crazy and too fast this all was. that if we started dating then it would mean id move there for him and so soon and he doesn't have a job and he's going to be starting school and hes a mess and can't keep up with routines and i dont have a job and id be leaving my professional connections/contacts behind and it would be so hectic and too much to cohabitate when we're both in recovery and he was being way too optimistic and for some reason decided that it was something that id expect and he couldn't just discuss it with me. that he had this concrete idea of how the week would go and when it didn't happen exactly as he imagined he spiralled because he had it in his head that if it did happen as he imagined, then it would solve everything and make it all worth it. but thats magical almost religious thinking. just because you love someone it doesn't make your problems disappear and make you 1000% confident and in love at all times.
he wanted to tell me asap and not lead me on and leave the door open like both his exes did and left him hoping for such a long time. so he said he's not romantically attracted to me so i wouldn't have to question anything and it would be kind and clean. except it doesn't fully even make sense if that was the only thing, and look at that, it wasn't.
three times. he keeps saying that he's not done processing everything and he's genuinely trying but theres so much that he doesn't understand about what he is feeling and why he acted the way he did. the first time he said its not that he thinks its impossible or cant happen down the road but he doesn't want to say that and lead me on. the second time, he said part of him thinks its the pressure not that he stopped his feelings for me. he just felt in his gut something wasn't right and he needed to stop everything. sigh... just talk to me. anyway. third time he said i wish i could give you a clear cut answer as to what happened in regards to what happened to my attraction for you. i can come up with things that i wouldn't say to you but when i really think about them, they aren't actually true and wouldn't be things that would change how i feel. maybe because of how i felt about feeling the need to stop our relationship is why i even came up with those reasons as excuses. im sorry and I want to give you closure there but I can't. i still don't understand it myself but the other things like not being over my breakup and the pressure are real. i cant give you an answer about my attraction to you.
so unfortunately. my dumb brain is saying, oh. so its not about me at all and its about everything else about how you feel about yourself. nothing actually happened. your idea of me or at least how you imagined id be/how youd feel this sense of everything suddenly being right in the world once i was there shattered, but not actually your feelings for me.
that said, that doesn't mean they will last and thats a good thing. other things are more important and my own romantic feelings for him have faded quickly because of his rejection and not being confident about how he feels about me. ill be fine and ill move on. but let it be on record that i think he will realize he still loved me even if he never tells me about it.
anyway lol, im glad he was adamant that he values our friendship more than the rest and still wants to send me music and that he wasn't just my friend before because he was into me, he genuinely is my friend and loves me for me without all the rest of it. we'll see if he means it though. maybe he just wants to believe that or believes it now but he'll realize the feelings he had for me fueled it. that breaks my heart to think about but with taylor who knows.
he believes and means what he's saying in the moment. and he's a people pleaser-- in recovery, but recovery nonetheless. so i can't trust his words and ill have to see it by his actions and with time. no more trusting words as much as i crave them.
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