Over the years, especially in the past several months since she had been given the title of leader of their little group, Jisoo had become somewhat of an expert at deflecting things from herself. She didn’t want to talk about herself or how many struggles she was having, because it made it harder for her to deal with things. She was the queen of repressing and suppressing everything, so that she wouldn’t have to face it. If she was tired, she would take on more tasks so she wouldn’t have the time to think about how tired she was. If she was hungry, she would dance harder and drink more water. If she was frustrated, she would take out her frustrations on her training.
That probably wasn’t the healthiest way for her to deal with things, but it sure as hell was the easiest way for her to deal with things. She was more than okay with people being open with her, coming to her so they could get advice on things, or even just so they could vent to her, but going to other people and doing the same thing? She could never do that. She could never allow herself to be so vulnerable with someone else. It was ironic, and slightly hypocritical, but could you blame her? She was the caretaker, not someone who needed to be taken care of. Or at least that wasn’t how she saw herself.
So when Haeun began prodding at her, goading her and asking her if she needed to talk to her, Jisoo just smiled and shook her head once more. She knew that the younger girl knew how tired and worn out she was, but there was no way in hell she would be verbalizing that. She was strong, she could power through it. She had done it for that long, so she would continue to do so.
“Stop worrying about me, Haeun.” Her tone was light and airy as she waved her hand dismissively, trying to move past the subject at hand. “I’m fine, I promise I am. You’ll be the first person I come to if I ever decide that I want to talk, okay? Cross my heart.” She made the childish motion of drawing an ‘x’ on her chest, right over where her heart would be. “Thank you for the offer though, I really appreciate it.” And she did, maybe even more than Haeun could even realize that she did.
“Okay, that’s dealing with one boy, compared to having to deal with anywhere from three to six more. See how big of a difference that is?” She didn’t know how male leaders did it, having to deal with all those guys under one roof. She knew that boys could get a little rowdy from time to time, so it wouldn’t be surprising to her if arguments tended to break out more often than with the girls. Although, granted, girls could get catty and argumentative too. She knew that from experience. “Campsite? I’ll have to pass on that.. I’m a city girl, Haeun. I don’t do the wilderness. How about we go to Busan?”
haeun knew better than to force jisoo to pour out her heart so suddenly. jisoo owed her nothing (if anything, haeun was the one who owed jisoo). while the younger knew the dangers of ignoring one’s problems and shoving them under the rug, haeun just couldn’t prod into jisoo’s business, she could only sit and wait for jisoo to tell her out of her own volition. there needs to be a deep level of understanding and trust, even if they already consider each other sisters, it would be still be hard to trust someone so openly to the point you feel you can tell them anything just out of the blue.
so haeun said nothing and simply nodded, “no problem.” she bit her lips after realising that both of them were not so different after all. they quietly suffered with their problems. they had different ways of coping. haeun’s way was to act as if nothing was bothering her––to be loud, to be funny, to be silly––because people won’t ever expect the happiest member of the group to be somebody who was suffering. when people didn’t suspect her of anything, they won’t ask questions and haeun could forget her problems. sure, sometimes at night, haeun would suddenly feel the heavy weight of the world on her shoulders (like what just happened earlier), but she would always find ways to ignore it.
ignoring her problems might come back in the future to bite her in the ass, but, right then, it seemed like the only feasible option. she needed to keep this up, at least until she debuted, that was her main focus as a trainee. would the people from the company care if haeun was feeling down? she was surrounded by a lot of people (trainers, CEOs, other trainees), but at the same time... she still felt so lonely...
“yeah, it’s pretty different,” haeun chuckled, recalling some of the stories from a couple of the male trainees she had come across. it was crazy the way they would fight or goof off with each other. haeun couldn’t imagine how chaotic (and dirty, ugh) it would be living with up to 10 boys in the same small dorm. “but at least you can deal with one boy and i think that’s skill enough.”
haeun considered the options; she had heard that refreshing oneself in nature often prove to be effective, but busan sounded tempting and ever since haeun had come to south korea, she had never been outside of seoul. maybe it was time for haeun to go out of the city, explore the country a little bit. if she was going to stay there then she needed to familiarise herself with the place “sure, we can go to busan,” she agreed. “i’ve never been there. you’ll take us around, right, unnie? be our own personal tour guide?”