hear me roar.

julie is the third member of femme fatale to release a solo. to be honest she is surprised she is not the fourth. despite being the main vocalist and thus a shoe in for the classic ballad solo, it was not until this year gold star media even considered giving her solo work. the reason is sad but obvious - her ethnicity. a non-korean doing solo work within korean showbiz is rare. being successful even more so. giving her this oppurtunity is a gamble, even though femme fatale is one of the most popular girl groups.

with that in mind, julie refuses to half-ass it. her solo-stages during their concerts - well, she is not slacking off but she is not throwing her all at it either. it is... what it is. during the first planning meeting julie actually pays attention and speaks her mind. while she does not mind dancing, this release should be focused on her vocals. she wants a true ost-esque release - something that echoes what she wants to perform, when she’s alone on stage.

she does not settle on the first demo she likes. it is tempting but she remembers her promise to herself. she owes it to herself, the company, and her fans to listen through every demo they send her until she finds one that is at least ninety percent what she wants. not just fifty. it feels like she listens to hundreds of demos every day. in reality the number hovers between three and seven. most are very good. she writes down her favorites as possible future tracks.

then, she finds it. the song. it is a melancholy track. the guide singer does not truly do the heartbreaking lyrics justice. julie is not sure why it speaks to her. it does have that overdramatic vibe to it that she adores. it is nothing like femme fatale’s tracks. not even their slower songs, because they still have that catchy undertone. this song does not want you to sing along as much as have your heart broken alongside the singer. it is perfect.

recording the song takes longer than recording femme fatale songs usually take. part of that is that she has more lines. the other is that there is no dancing to be considered and thus her vocals has to be everything that they can be. between this, colla3orate, and their upcoming comeback, julie spends a lot of time in the recording booth. gets to know exactly how far she should be from the microphone. figures out the most comfortable way to distribute her weight.

as for the lyrics, well... julie struggles at first. she has never been in love and struggles to relate to those plotlines in dramas. she spends a lot of time staring at the lyrics, trying to figure out of to make them hers. how to not feel like a liar when she sings them. she considers making about friendship. how she would feel if yuanjun decided that she is not worth the effort. it does not work though - she would just laugh and shrug. she does not get attached, not since - that is it. 

it hurts, oh it hurts. the memories of her father’s eyes not even seeing her. the lawyer saying such difficult words she did not understand. it almost feels too raw, too honest. but that is the core of the song is it not? honesty. ‘to be honest’ is the title. no one will ask her what she is thinking of when she sings, right? so she can be honest to herself.

the music video is romantic though. julie jokes around with her male co-star. there is a lot more scenes than there was in ‘playing with fire’, but at least that means they can get comfortable with each other. she wonders how fans will react - will they trash her co-star’s social media accounts? she hopes not. the music video is tasteful, and the song is about heartbreak. there might be a few joking comments. she might even leave one herself, just to promote the song.

a monday. an ordinary monday. julie has been an official gold star media trainee for three days now. she moved into the dorms this saturday. lessons in korean has been scheduled already. for everything else they are still figuring out which groups her skill level matches up with. some other trainees that started at the same time as her have expressed their dislike of the waiting. or at least they are according to the one that has been translating some conversations into english for julie. she will buy something expensive for that girl the next time she goes shopping.

julie however does not mind the waiting. in fact she hopes they will take extra long on sorting her. other non-korean trainees might find that offensive. it is, actually, but in this case it plays into her favor. she wants to be as fluent as possible in korean before starting lessons. what is the point of being there if she can not understand what the coaches are saying?

so here she is. a classroom probably used from cram school and thus available during school hours. there’s three other trainees present. maybe there used to be more? no point in using a classroom of this size otherwise. or maybe there’s just a lot of people not here for various reasons. julie does not actually care about that. less people means more time the teacher can spend one-on-one with her.

she has already stocked her drama watchlist with a mixture of chinese dramas with korean subtitles, and korean drama with either chinese or english subtitles. she doubts learning to understand the language will be a problem. writing and speaking it is always the more difficult parts. at least korean resembles chinese much more than english does. though she does know the latin alphabet now - it would not be as much of a struggle.

the teacher is ten minutes early, and uses that time to write up a lesson plan on the whiteboard. julie looks up once and then goes back to the drama news she is catching up on on her phone. moments later a book and paper is put down in front of her. the book is in english. ‘beginner’s guide to korean’ it reads on the front. julie would have preferred one in mandarin, but there must be more options in english.

the paper is a simple form asking for her information, current level of fluency, other languages, as well as her preferred tempo. julie makes a note at the end that she would like extra lessons or at least homework so she can learn as quickly as possible. while that will give her less time to practice dancing and singing, being fluent in korean would help her more in the long run. foregein idols often got flack for not speaking perfect korean. julie refused to give anyone an easy way to criticize her.

julie does not giggle as yoona recorded that line. she does not. what she does however do is to bury her face in hyejung’s shoulder and hope no one notices her muffled laughter. recording commercials is always so cringy. no matter how cool one’s delivery is, the fact that the lines are what they are does not change. julie is glad her part in this commercial is minor. it feels weird enough to promote a product she herself does not use. 

that is julie’s struggles with commercial and general promotions of products - it feels disingenuous to pretend she likes something she has never even touched before filming. Most brand sponsorships also comes with the requirement of not being seen using a competitors product. that honestly sucks ass. while mise en scene is a pretty good brand, julie has no plans on switching from her tried and true oribe. with a comeback around the corner there is probably another hair colour for her as well, and she is not putting her hair through even more stress then.

then there is her solo scene. julie is not quite sure how to react when they give her a hedgehog. is there a connection to their brand? what is she supposed to do with this creature? julie is not one for small animals. she does her best however to handle the hedgehog with care. it had no choice about being here. with all the people, sound, and lights it must be scare. unless it was drugged - in that case julie dislikes this all more than she already does. 

she manages to get through her solo shots with minimal retakes. the hedgehog is well behaved, and she takes a picture of it as well as a selfie of the both of them. maybe she will post it on instagram when the commercial starts airing. she makes a mental note to ask gold star media’s social media relations team about possible ramifications. netizens can blow anything out of proportion. possible mistreatment of cute animals is a cause that is easy to rally people behind.

tang jiangun knows his mother wanted a girl. that much is obvious when her gaze follows his female classmates longingly. he never did not understand why at first. the parents of his friends have expressed how happy they are with getting a boy. why isn’t jiangun’s mother happy? at age seven he learns why.

jiangun’s father is surprised to learn his gender. a pleasant kind of surprise. even at this age, jiangun knows how to read people’s faces. it is one of the few things his mother taught him. the reason jiangun’s father showed up out of nowhere is somehow related to jiangun’s paternal grandfather. that much he gathers from the polite argument that starts between his parents. “you had no right-” his father starts saying, but his mother interupts him. “i had every right.”

it turns out jiangun’s mother never told his father of jiangun’s gender. his father assumed jiangun was a girl for some reason. “you already have a son,” his mother says with steel in her voice, “jiangun is my blood.” they are arguing about jiangun’s father being involved in his life. about heirs, about legitimacy, about verbal contracts. they never ask jiangun what he thinks, what he wants.

all jiangun has ever wanted was for his father to come back. for his parents to marry. he knows his father is married to another woman, and they have a son. he does not care. that is merely an obstacle to get over. so he plots. he plans. his mother will be hard to bring around, but jiangun knows she misses shanghai. knows she hates his father’s wife. she confessed as much the one time she was drunk around him (the babysitter had an emergency).

he takes on the english name julian, and tells his mother that while he wants to get to know his father, he wants to stay with her. if he had to choose, he would choose her. when he starts elementary school later that year, he does so in shanghai. he goes on outings with his father on weekends, and occasionally on weekdays. by the end of the year, he gets to briefly meet his father’s wife and son at a new years party.

he is the perfect son, the perfect heir. that is what his father wants, and what is going to make him divorce his perfect wife. his mother does not have the pedigree, and is not quiet and obedient. she is burning embers, and will never run out of fuel. julian suspects his father actually likes that though - she was his mistress after all. but one does not look for the same in a wife as in a mistress.

compared to his father’s other son, julian is simply on another level. he knows as much. he has heard the comments other people make that they do not think he can hear. he is patient, for he knows he can ruin everything by flying too close to the sun. julian is not perfect after all. he is thirteen now, and knows he is homosexual. that he will never be able to marry a girl to tie another family to theirs.

he comes out to his mother on his birthday. she laughs and laughs, delirious with joy about how his father’s perfect son is not perfect. she loves him as he is of course, spends even more time with him now. julian suspects that the fact that he is not a carbon copy of his father is why. 

his father is a different story entirely. julian decides to break it to him in public, at a restaurant. silence follows. julian does not break it. minutes pass. “are you sure?” his father finally asks. julian takes another bite, chewing it thoughtfully. “i was thinking about marriage. i realized i cannot imagine myself with a woman, but sharing my life with a man extremely appealing,” he says. gay marriage is not legal in china, but that does not matter. the mention of marriage is very deliberate - he wants his father to have it on his mind. wants him to consider if he would be happier with his wife or with julian’s mother.

the divorce is a very quiet affair. it is julian’s father’s wife that initiates it. she cites the fact that her husband spends more time with his former mistress and other son. they decide to part ways with no hard feelings - their marriage was not out of love after all. julian is halfway to sixteen when it happens. just a month later, his parents hold a grand wedding. it is the upper class event of the year.

in a way, julian enjoys dangling the fact that he is gay over his father’s head. teasing him with the fact that he choose the gay son over the straight one, because the gay one is otherwise perfect. at eighteen he takes a lover - the son of a european business partner of his father. he genuinely likes the man, but cannot deny the fact that part of why he decided to make the move was to push the merger their fathers had been discussing. 

it is not that she dislikes her life. she loves it - she love her job, the money, the traveling, the fame, the music. that is not it, that has never been it. what she does not like is her family situation and her fear of relationships. she wants normality - wants to eat dinner with her mother and her father with layers and layers of manipulation. wants to fall in love without feeling the urge to run for the hills.

she can have that in dramas. she can escape her reality by watching the leads and supporting characters form bonds, fall in love, escape toxic family situations. some dramas echo her own situation a bit too closely - those are the ones she loves the most and despises the most fiercely. she does not like being reminded of her struggles, but at the same time she loves watching the characters overcome them. it is enduring the pain for the promised reward of the sweetest pleasure.

she can also experience different world, and travel in time. the games of deception and favour that is often featured in historical dramas are her guiltiest pleasure. why does she like them, you might ask? she wants to escape those games. here is the thing - julie does not hate playing the game. she hates playing it with her family and friends. a distant stranger, an enemy, that is something entirely else. subtly manipulating her management is one of the reasons she loves her job after all.

then there is the costumes, the music, the stories being told. she drinks it all in with gusto. the over the top scenarios, the tropes upon tropes, everyone being connected to everyone. while the reviews complain about it all being too much, too unrealistic, julie hungers for more. she watches to escape reality - why would she want anything that resembles it?