bittersweet

         “have you thought about it?”

         she looks up from her phone, resting languidly on the couch and doing nothing in particular, which is probably her favorite way to pass time. bella looks at the other girl as if she would know what she’s talking about, even though she knows that it could be a million things, given the fact that she’s offered no context. still, she thinks it might be on their minds.

        “moving out of the dorms, i mean. have you thought about getting a place on your own?” it’s kind of odd in a way, because all her life she wanted companionship. being an only child with parents that kept her busy meant that she was always somewhat lonely, with no people that she could call close, no one that she could turn to and even when she was around people she still felt alone. then when she moved into the dorms she finally got what she wanted — other girls to be around, someone always available to talk, late night conversations and group meals. but after four years, she was more than ready to get out.

         she thinks it’s possible that she’s just a creature of habit, and after more than a decade of being alone, maybe she’s gotten used to it, maybe it’s her default.

          everyone has their own way of doing things, of letting go after so many hours strung up, straight backed and perfect, every sparkle in place and every hair sprayed down to the exact location on their head. americans call it blowing off steam, but bella wouldn’t be caught dead actually saying that. these kinds of idioms were never her thing anyways; they were too cheesy, too antiquated.

          but it’s not to say she doesn’t have her own methods, complete with dark rooms and her usual drinks — girly and fruity, but enough so she actually feels something. the public would hate it, she already knows, but when it’s day after day of smiling until her cheeks hurt, dancing to the same songs, doing the same things, she has to compensate somehow. her little act of rebellion would be scoffed at in any other context, because even high schoolers these days get drunk, but here she is making a commonplace thing an indulgence.

          there’s something to be said about the way the cars hum in the city streets, how the traffic never seems to stop and the lights are as bright as if the sun was out. in a place like seoul there’s no such thing as night and day, no such distinction in the way that energy ebbs through its veins. but she’s been here for so long now that it seems natural to her, and growing up in cities her entire life means that she feels an emptiness when there’s any sort of pause.

          so admittedly, it feels weird to be in an apartment by herself, with the traffic muffled to a low hum and light only visible through cracks in curtains. it’s like being in her own world, and she feels like it’s a metaphor for something but she’s not quite sure what.

hi everyone my name is jenna and i’m excited to be here with bella zhang, wannabe art hoe! i’m also not super prepared but i do have some facts about her under the cut as well as some plot ideas! i’ll be replying to dms shortly but please hit that ♡ button and if you would like to plot and i’ll come into your ims! i also have discord @ gucci#6119 if that’s easier for you!