creedance @flyswatterbusiness - Tumblr Blog

thinking out loud because i dont have a single tumblr follower and dont feel like getting up to get my journal; im sure many people have expressed and posted this exact feeling before, but its one of the joys of life that everyday you feel as if you arent changing, like youre a bit stuck, youre not where you should be

but you look back at yourself a year ago and realize how far you have moved from that person

even if its exemplified in silly things, your outfits or the music youtube videos you choose to watch when youre drunk

you know how much change it represents

so awesome

i hope i become exactly who i want to be

but luckily i am in control of it

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there is a really specific, warm beauty in the experience of early highschool that i was incredibly lucky to have documented in my video diaries. during the summer there was absolutely nothing to do other than be with eachother. my friends and i, we would sleep until the late morning, make breakfast while dancing and exchanging laughs, eat on the porch, smoke some weed, and just enjoy eachothers company when the afternoon thunderstorms rolled in. By evening, we could go back outside, walk, laugh, smoke, but what i always find most beautiful is how much of it was just play. we, and anyone else, would think we were much too old at 14 and 15 for a word like that, but so many parts of my video diaries are running, rolling, making up dances, and just being childishly silly together. every part of that cusp of early adolescense is so remarkable.

#adolescence #summer #thinkingoutloud #diary

feral-ballad

Carrie Fountain, from Burn Lake; “Burn Lake 4”

deathandmysticism

Claude Paradin, Devises Heroïques, 1557

weltenwellen

Czeslaw Milosz, New and Collected Poems: 1931-2001

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quotespile

“I began to realize how important it was to be an enthusiast in life. He taught me that if you are interested in something, no matter what it is, go at it at full speed ahead. Embrace it with both arms, hug it, love it and above all become passionate about it. Lukewarm is no good. Hot is no good either. White hot and passionate is the only thing to be.”

— Roald Dahl, My Uncle Oswald

cache-e

“My current silence interests only me. It touches too many parts of my personal life for me to explain it to you.”

Albert Camus, from Notebooks (1951-1959), Vol3.

oaluz

“Ugliness is a pathway to intimacy. You can’t have intimacy without trust, and you can’t have trust without vulnerability. In order to be vulnerable, you have to reveal parts of yourself that are dismissed as capital-U Ugly. There’s also this piece around disability — the interdependence of disability is inescapable. I feel like access is not a burden, it’s an amazing opportunity to be generative, to deepen community, relationships, everything.

When I think about intimacy and its connections to beauty, I feel like it’s more connected to ugliness than beauty. I think the only way that we can build intimacy is through ugliness. For example, there is something very magnificent about how disabled people build access to intimacy — that kind of intimacy that comes with not being afraid to state your access needs. Not beauty, but the magnificence or the learned experiences that ugliness teaches you on how to survive. People see this as an extremist thing, but what I’m saying is that it’s been a way in my life to not let go of people, and to live in that interdependence that doesn’t always feel revolutionary and good. Sometimes it fucking sucks — sometimes you just want to be able to take a walk by yourself. Sometimes it sucks to have to depend on someone to help you take a walk by yourself.

There are times when it’s incredibly hard. I’ve learned and we have all learned so many different pieces of how to survive, how to be and thrive within our lived experiences. The alternative is to pretend it away, but I also think there is something with disability that doesn’t allow you to turn away. You could try to pretend it away even though your reality is not such. But there’s a concreteness to me about disability that doesn’t allow you to pretend it away.

Shitty things happen. Ugliness is all around us all the time. Sometimes shit is not beautiful and that’s okay, that’s actually more generative, there is a depth to that. If I was able-bodied and I didn’t fall all the time, I would never know that experience and that depth. There have been so many amazing strangers who have helped me pick up all of my things from the sidewalk, from the floor, helped me get some ice. All of these pieces of everyday life are so connected to those moments of intimacy. There’s something in that.”

Why Ugliness is Vital in the Age of Social Media - Mia Mingus

fromdarzaitoleeza

{Tokyo Story (1953), Dir. Yasujirô Ozu / Nizar Qabbani}

intellectualpoaching

Above all, don't lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love.

Fyodor Dostoevsky, The Brothers Karamazov

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primulaceas

Iain Reid, I'm Thinking of Ending Things

metamorphesque

― Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Idiot

funeral

Every person can be considered from two opposite points of view; from the one, they are an individual, beginning and ending in time, fleeting and transitory, “the dream of a shadow,” besides being afflicted with pangs and failings; from the other, they are the indestructible primary being that objectifies itself in every existing thing and as such can say like the statue of Isis at Sais: “I am all that was, and is, and will be.” Such a being, of course, might do something better than manifest itself in a world such as this. For it is the world of finitude, suffering, and death. What is in it and comes out of it must end and die. But what is not out of it and will not be out of it, pierces through it, all-powerful like a flash of lightning which strikes upwards and then knows neither time nor death. To reconcile all these antitheses is really the theme of philosophy.

Arthur Schopenhauer, On the Suffering of the World

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