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If you want a huge fat lady as your partner, I better not ever hear you giving them grief or insulting them for being lazy.
That won’t fly around here. If you make me feel like I can’t just be comfortable, fat, and lazy around you, I’ll be gone. QUICK. Even just friends. I’m good, let me live peacefully.
there was definitely a period of time in my life when i thought that i was asexual. i think a lot of feedists, and in general, people with fetishes and/or very strong kinks, can sympathize with this uncertainty. i tried for many, many years to have the sex most people seem to desire. it caused me so much embarrassment and shame and pain. nothing hurt more than the disappointment from people i cared about who didn’t understand my reluctance to do certain things or the anxiety i always felt in bed. i even, unfortunately, took the path that a lot of feedists/FAs take and purposefully avoided dating/having sex with fat people for fear of making them feel objectified or uncomfortable. could better communication from me have made this all easier? definitely. but i simply didn’t know for a very long time what i truly wanted or how to properly articulate my desire. and even so, it’s difficult to talk to someone about an unconventional fetish you have that they don’t already share. you might ruin things with someone you care about. and the thought of a fat person feeling uncomfortable after i tell them about my feelings, or if they simply realize it in the moment? i could never put someone through that. even if things turn out okay in both those scenarios, you always run the risk of hurting yourself or others. perhaps honesty in these situations represents a trade off between short term embarrassment and long term pain, which is a good thing for both sides, but it can still be a very hard thing to do.
so yeah, i thought i was asexual for a time. part of my confusion in regard to this was my struggle to fully understand what asexuality even means. this is how i’ve come to understand that term over the years:
asexuality is when you’re not interested in what society broadly views as “sex.” that is, at least in a heterosexual context, you may not be interested in PIV sex, oral sex, making out, potentially anything that falls under that category. that’s not the stuff that drives you, that’s not what you’re looking for or fantasizing about. you might still be a very sexual, horny person. it’s just that, for lack of a better term, “mainstream” sex, whatever that means to you whether you’re gay, straight, etc, isn’t what you’re into.
there’s probably a whole world of writing on this topic and i’ve really only scratched the surface, but that’s what the term seems to mean based on what i’ve read and observed. but sometimes, i’ll see asexuality described as a total lack of a sex drive. you’re not interested in anything or attracted to anyone. the other day i saw one of those kink jar type things and there was a “hypersexual” to “asexual” slider, with those two representing opposite ends of the same spectrum. so for the purposes of that slider, asexuality is the lack of a sex drive? or is this in regard to how strongly you desire “mainstream” sex? i truly have no idea. i think a lot of that “it means you don’t have a sexuality at all” idea that most people think about when it comes to asexuality comes from most people having no conception of sex outside of “mainstream” sex. to them, and i’m just talking about heterosexuality here since it’s where my perspective is, if you don’t like PIV, you’re asexual. going back to that spectrum and my possible understanding of it, an “asexual” person could still be “hypersexual,” but that hypersexual desire is directed towards something other than “mainstream” sex. there’s likely some other, better term for someone with no real sex drive at all, but i’m currently unaware of what it may be.
but after being lucky enough to experience feedism and other kinks in my life, i realized that i’m not asexual. simply put, the “mainstream” sex i was normally completely uninterested in was suddenly far more appealing when i was engaging in it with another feedist who i already was very physically and emotionally attracted to. there’s still some things i need to figure out. for example, being with a fat feedist girl made me desire PIV sex for maybe the first time in my life. i tried it before many times in the past, but it never felt good until then. is that the only kind of person i want to do it with though? i’ve been with a skinny feeder only once and had no interest in doing it with her. is it because she was skinny, or was it because, as i realized later, i actually wasn’t attracted to her emotionally or physically (regarding things other than her weight) at all? the jury is still out on that one.
but in general, i know that i can definitely, and happily, engage in and fantasize about “mainstream” sex when it’s mixed in with feedism/fat admiration, the central fetishes that dominate my sexuality.
if you are a feedist or someone with a strong fetish and consider yourself asexual, more power to you. i support you and who you are, and i hope you find happiness and love. but for people like me who have been teetering on the fence, the only way to know for sure is to try. make the effort, live this out with people who share your desires. exploring feedism can be a unique way to express sexuality outside of “mainstream” sex. and if you also desire that “mainstream” sex, it can be included into feedism so easily. feedism in general can provided such a rich tapestry of desire and connection, so no matter where you fall, you’re going to have a good time.
if a lot of this seemed obvious to you, good. congratulations. i’m happy you’ve been able to do that work on yourself. but for those who are still confused, still searching, i hope this resonates with you and helps you along the path to self-understanding, fulfillment, and happiness.
god, I love this and feel like I could have written a lot of this about my own journey of figuring out how I relate to my sexuality. I’ve also grappled a lot with asexuality as a term and a concept, and have found it useful depending on who I’m taking to. identifying as ace has felt like it erases such a big part of my sexuality, which for me shows up how OP is describing for themselves: more normative sexual desire typically only exists with other feedists or in the context of feedism somehow.
I get resentful that I feel like I need to use a label that feels wrong to me just because my sexuality cannot be understood in the limiting and normative frameworks that are available to us. and yet, if I’m talking to someone who isn’t a feedist or not at least kinky, I do still use the term ace because I’m not interested in normative sex on its own and am at a place in my life where I would choose not having sex over having sex that feels hollow and unfulfilling.
the more sex I’ve had with other feedists, the more clear this has gotten for me. I’m still working through a lot of grief in the understanding that in most cases (never say never), normative sex without kink is off the table. while I would love to want that too, I don’t, and I know (from experience) trying to make myself want it caused a cycle of shame and repression that I’m not willing to go back to. I’m sure this will continue evolving as I do, but I love this post and always feel so comforted by learning that others have similar experiences to my own.
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Low key holding space for people not ready to directly interact with this community, or trying to but then backing out and trying again. Wishing you an expeditious self acceptance/healing/unlearning fat phobia/whatever you’re going through journey
Just so you know though, mutuality is an essential human need, so know that interacting with people who share your sexual orientation is necessary to your well being
Ilya felt like his smile was going to split his face. He was overwhelmingly happy. Shane was beaming up at him, eyes bright and freckles crinkled, and Ilya loved him. And Shane loved him. Holy fucking shit. Shane Hollander is in love with me.
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To get to be your feedist self with someone, let your sexuality really exist with them, is a gift beyond words that I hope every feedist experiences at least once in their lives.
how lucky we are to be alive in a time where we can connect with other feedists easily online (even though it’s totally still hard in so many ways and that’s real too)
as much as i love evil and extreme feeders, there’s something so hot and cute about someone who absolutely melts and is totally mindblown by your gluttony. me listing off what’s a casual lunch to me being a jawdropping list for you. me mentioning how much i’ve eaten today and you automatically squirming and needing to tease me- even from a dominant position. it’s so much hotter than someone hearing the same thing and immediately trying to say it doesn’t sound like enough, or immediately pushing to eat more (if you’re gonna be like this, you better put your money where your mouth is!)
maybe it’s the innate contrast of my huge meals being shocking, or just the sweet nature of it. do i still wanna be dotingly egged on to eat more? duh! and could they still get a little mean with it? duh! but still, some of you need to learn how to praise a feedee along the way rather than just trying to make us force feed ourselves until we feel sick every day😭
I love seeing people really pay attention to the way eating too much makes them feel. If you’re eating, I want you to put one hand on your belly and leave it there, I want you to feel yourself growing under your palms. I want you to notice how tight you get. I want you to know what you’re doing to yourself. I want you to want more.
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several things I can’t get over in this picture with the main one being how huge my ass has gotten. it has been such a journey for my body to decide to put fat anywhere other than my belly, but this is absolutely a fat ass 🥲🥰
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