Evil Ian

the author’s poorly disguised unchallenged ideas about how the world works, what is natural, what should go without saying

adding real-time minigames to your turn-based combat is a great way to engage the more action-y parts of our brains. it's also a great way to make combat trivial to anyone really good at those minigames.

hhhrk. gggrrrg. *changes several core aspects of your personality when you’re not looking*

normally this would infuriate me but I feel uncharacteristically calm and forgivibg

in the Egyptian wing of the museum and my boyfriend is like “what are all the time periods of ancient Egypt” and I’m like predynastic, early dynastic, old kingdom which is when the pyramids were built, first intermediate, middle kingdom, second intermediate, new kingdom which includes amarna period and yugioh, third intermediate, and then all the late period stuff and macedonian and roman eras. and he’s like run that by me one more time

i like when wikipedia pages for bands have that little chart at the bottom where you can see how they’ve been ritualistically cannibalizing their drummer every 3-5 years since 2007

shoutout to the woman from my high school martial arts class who liked to get me in joint locks and then joke about how I was easy to catch. you cannot comprehend how psychosexually formative that was for me

imagine, if you will, having an adolescent half-crush on someone way older than you, which is also confusingly blurred up with admiration of them as a role model. now imagine that you and that person are in a social environment where it is acceptable to (platonically, consensually) choke someone. I think I was very normal about it considering the circumstances

she would demonstrate takedowns on her husband (also in the class, and who was not a small man) before we got to try them and the first time I saw her twist him around and down onto the floor like it was easy my entire abdomen clenched

I cannot stress enough how eager this guy was to be manhandled (womanhandled?) and flipped around by his wife. he was her de facto guinea pig whenever she got to teach and I never saw him unenthusiastic about it. he'd set himself up for a joint lock fully smiling. the other adults in the class occasionally teased him about it (being so quick to let your wife put you in a submission hold tends to raise a few eyebrows), and I always kind of wanted to defend him but what would I have said? like, don't worry. I won't judge you. I also like being pinned down by your wife

That last sentance really hits ya like a psychosexually formative takedown

there are two punchlines here, the first is predictable, the second really surprises you

Man has been alive for 164.5 years.

not thinking of her = the fountain of youth

life's like a christmas carol you either kermit or some other muppet alternatively michael caine

I roll in on some christmas carol shit chasing that bag everyone else is some other muppet alternatively michael caine

ten thousand wealth you're scrooged out on that christmas carol not some other muppet: you are michael caine

scrooged out not like those muppets or frog no time for tree I'm on some other shit where is michael caine

scrooging like a christmas carol so far beyond those muppets moving like michael caine

call it a christmas carol I'm stunting on these muppets veins full of blood scrooged up have you ever heard of michael caine

learned a lesson from these muppets, call it a scrooged up christmas carol built like michael caine

spoiling it for you if you haven't seen, we find out there's more important things than money, learn from those muppets, scrooged up like michael caine

if i’m ever brutally murdered and everyone feels like they need to do something productive in my memory, all i want is for you to pass legislation banning LED headlights in my name. regardless of how irrelevant it is to my murder. it’s relevant to my heart.