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@fiveht
Spilling Secrets by five_ht
Rose: This is lowkey the best night of my life
Shane: The best night of my life was the first time he fucked me
Rose: I mean you've won two Stanley Cups Rose: But sure, go off you little horndog
Or: Shane, recently cleared from concussion protocol, gets tipsy at his parents' cottage and texts his new best friend.
Spilling Secrets
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so we kid about Shane and baby's first chirp, but Shane IS a good chirper! He IS.
"So what, just a bunch of Finnish guys talking about the cousins they're in love with?" - Sideswipe at Finland for no reason! Presenting this grade a chirp to his crush like a penguin with a pebble! 1221/10 blowjob worthy chirp
"You'll look great in silver, Vaughny, don't even stress." The bro-yness! The swagger! 12/10 - excellent chirp!
"Jeez, Hayden, you wanna get me pregnant too? I don't think I'm ready. I think I've still got some good hockey left in me." The chirp that launched 1000 mpreg fics. 81/10
The point here is that Shane is:
☝🏽funny
and
✌🏽bitchy
and I think it's important that we remember that!
Let us not forget:
(Buffalo is terrible) "Yeah, and their team sucks too." - 67/10, inspired a very bad dtr/frottage/first name drops/tuna meltdown.
EXACTLY
Shane is a bitchy jock and i LOVE him for it.
Like, sure, Ilya is going to bounce on the balls of his feet and tell Scott that the sound coming from his knees keeps making Ilya think the ice is cracking
But Shane???
Shane is going to lean in and say "my dad uses H-45 Just For Men and the shade looks really natural. I can get you the link if you want."
Ilya says the shit that makes Scott want to punch him in the face.
Shane says the shit that makes Scott wake up at 3:16 am, shaking Kip awake "baby, kip, wake up, kip - are my grays really noticable? no, Kip, this can't wait. Turn on the light, Kip are my gr-"
#his emotional support clothed crotch
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Retired post-hockey Ilya putting on some weight because he still has that elite athlete appetite but he can't do all the cardio anymore because his knees just aren't what they used to be. And like he still works out and lifts heavy because he just likes doing it, so he's a fucking bull and he's stronger than ever before because he's living in a constant bulk phase, he's just a brick shithouse with a soft layer of fat in all the right places.
And him and Shane go on a trip somewhere hot and sunny, and someone spots them and snaps a few pictures of them just playing around being cute on the beach, and the pictures end up in some tabloid. And Ilya sees the pictures and shows Shane and like, Ilya is always the one who keeps up on what the internet is saying about them, but since they retired he's not usually all that tuned in. But this time Shane catches him looking at those pictures like 10 times over the next few days, like it's on his phone constantly, he's scrolling through Twitter and reading all the comments, and finally Shane goes and looks for himself. And there are so many comments about Ilya's body, and obviously a lot of them are compliments because not everyone is fucking blind, but for probably the first time ever, some of them are mean.
"Man, Roz really let himself go as soon as he put the stick down, huh?"
"Married life really did a number on that guy, what's Hollander feeding him?"
"Imagine going from Russia's greatest love machine to the thing that ate Russia's greatest love machine…"
And Shane even catches Ilya kind of scrutinizing himself in the mirror a few times, fiddling with his clothes and sucking in his stomach and it makes Shane FURIOUS
Cause the thing is, Shane fucking LOVES Ilya's new body. He loves every version of Ilya's body, of course, but he's absolutely fucking feral for dad bod Ilya, in a way that he didn't even think was possible, because it shouldn't be possible to be more attracted to this man who has defined Shane's entire sexuality since he was 17, but here he is, mid-40s, rediscovering the meaning of the word slut because his bear of a husband is so sexy he's somehow triggering puberty 2.0.
Ilya is so fucking huge and masculine and strong. He could always pick Shane up, but now he can pick him up and toss him around like he weighs nothing, and Ilya could always fuck Shane against a wall, but now he can do it long enough to edge him into fucking tears and he's not even tired afterward. And his belly is soft enough for Shane to use as a pillow when they're snuggling in bed, and those thick thighs have always been Shane's favourite seat but they're soooo comfy now, just the right amount of give for Shane to settle onto and cuddle up for hours just watching tv on the couch.
And it had never in a million years occurred to Shane that Ilya could be insecure about his body, because Ilya has always known he was hot shit, and how could he not know it now, when he's aging like a fine wine? And Shane is The Best Husband because he is The Best at everything he's ever wanted to be, so he makes it his fucking mission in life to make sure Ilya knows that his body is still fucking perfect. Shane leaves hickeys and bite marks all over those beautiful thick thighs and that round, fat ass, he climbs up onto his big, perfect dick and spreads his hands out over Ilya's gorgeous stomach to brace himself while he rides him into oblivion, and he makes sure Ilya sees the way Shane is absolutely fucking devouring him with his eyes, taking in every fucking perfect inch of skin, telling him how beautiful he is, how hot, how big and strong and fucking sexy, because Ilya FUCKING Rozanov should never ever doubt that truth, and if Shane Hollander has to burn down the fucking Internet to make sure he knows it, he will figure out how to do just that.
I do love how despite Ilya being the one in active mental health treatment and having Romance Protagonist levels of insane trauma background Shane is 1000000% the crazier one between them. Like Ilya’s done shockingly well considering and sure he’s got some abandonment issues and some insecurities but he’s basically very functional and aware of his triggers. Shane I think would actually do a murder suicide in the right circumstances. Not shitpost Shane like canon Shane
HEATED RIVALRY 1.01
👇🏻👍🏻
ilya rozanov, irksome bisexual who needs attention from his boyfriend at all times or he will be grumpy forever
Swear to GOD I’ll shut the fuck up soon but im post night shifts and haven’t slept in 20hrs and so too bad you have to hear all that comes to mind. Basically- Ilya and Shane both accidentally start exclusively watching the same couple for their porn. Like hear me out, 2016/16 peak of tumblr porn- don’t ask me why they are on tumblr I don’t care to explain ! ! But ANYway Ilya like has consumed much much porn in his life as we know sent by his mates, stuff he finds- sveta sends him links etc etc all to say he sees a lot of it doesn’t usually have too specific of a taste as to what will get him off and then he starts fucking Shane and the it’s like he’s looking for porn that reminds him of Shane- using key words to try and find guys that look like Shane or him and it’s embarrassing but also like he needs to get off and nothing else it working (gets more terminal the longer he’s fucking Shane) and anyway so he finds a couple that if he kinda squints can picture as him and Shane if he ignores hair colour and some tattoos.
But like most of all it’s how they fuck- the bottom is mouthy and playful and sweet big eyes and a bit bratty but submissive and sweet- the top is handsy and grippy and they makeout like obsessively and messily and it reminds Ilya of them- the way the bottom grips at the tops shoulders as he cums. Ok and he’s like whatever it’s just what I’m into right now (Shane Shane is what he’s into) and then god Shane it’s a whole other thing because Shane kinda usually finds porn cringey and he usually only watched guys getting off alone cause he can get into that but like a lot of the sex seems weird and stilted to him and he just doesn’t really get it. None of them seem into it. And then then he stumbles across this same couple, and it’s passionate and handsy and they talk shit to each other and top puts the bottom in their place, is obsessive about their pleasure, kisses and whispers filthy and it’s so hot and Shane is like 👁️👁️ fuck. Can’t get enough of them. And it’s like fine he isn’t thinking about Ilya all the time it’s just- what he’s into passionate sex (ok the video titles are literally like making my gorgeous bottom cum over and over and the tags are like true love, real couple etc etc) and Shane is like this is chill normal porn men consume.
ANYWAYYYY ! All tHAT to say to say that like they are fucking around on Ilya’s phone one night many many years later post big I love yous etc together proper couple trying to find some old video or something on his camera roll and Shane is like what’s that 🤨🤨 and Ilya is like oh, is downloaded video not me ! And Shane is like oh I know but like it’s so familiar and oh and Ilya is like familiar ? Anyway they uncover they both got off to the same couple that reminded them of the way they were together when they were apart back in the fuck around days. They were sooo good at being casual.
(Anyway then then they fuck while watching one of the videos and Ilya does what the top does in the video the whole time whispering to Shane “you’d fuck yourself with your toys watching this man pretending it was me? Was it good? Did you think about me taking you like this? My good boy always thinking about me” and making Shane watch the screen and not Ilya and making him tell Ilya what parts he liked most, what he’d Thi k about and if he takes his eyes off the screen of stops answering Ilya he stops fucking him)
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Connor Storrie as Ilya Rozanov Heated Rivalry S01E05
Ilya’s personal stress ball
By hudcheeks/abusedmember on IG
ILYA ROZANOV June 2009 – Los Angeles
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he's not a chicken. he's brave ♡
Sir, I'm just a bellboy. You can't treat the staff like this! Oh, I think I know how the staff likes to be treated after all these years, hmm?
