ODE TO BE FIT

When someone is going through depression the feeling defeat and worthlessness continue to pop into that person’s head maybe random or triggered from an event.  I get that feeling sometimes, sometimes when I get corrected for an action or not being recognized.  I’m in the process of fixing these thoughts and preventing them to happen.  Doing that is difficult and some people in the life somewhat help by complimenting me but I’m not a shallow person to begin with I’m always trying to look deep and deeper into things.  When I actively speak about these deep feelings I can be written off by being too sensitive or having a lack of reality or just being too dramatic.  But the thing is while people compliment me about how strong I am or that I’m pretty there is still this thought behind my head of needing more.  Maybe I’m a junky, an addiction to comprehending other people’s thoughts.  Because I’m so interested in how other people think I sometimes get lost and don’t have any thoughts of my own.  So when I am alone without anyone around I relax and think about the simp liar things that make me happy.  

These simple things are make up and youtube and binge watching tv, While some of those hobbies continue me to look deeper in how people really are.  I am and observer and analytical and that can get me carried away.  So when I come face to face to have a conversation about something my feelings get in the way.  I subside from confronting people or having an opinion because I assume I know what they are going to say.  If I guess they will disagree I avoid conversations completely.  If I think highly of the person especially in their intelligence I become so submissive and my mind becomes blank.  

It’s 4 in the morning and honestly I do not know why I’m still awake.  I haven’t had any recent caffeine and I don’t know, I really haven't been having insomniac tic tendencies.  So maybe it’s just the fact I have a lot of things going through my mind.  Maybe it has to do with watching inception just an hour ago.   The last time i wrote something on here it was slightly negative but that’s the thing with dealing with this depression that I can tend to have swings of emotions.  Like right now at this very moment I’m in a good mood but like just a few days ago I felt awful granted I had my period and that can give me a lot of changes in my mood and emotions.  Also it has an effect on my feeling in my body and weight gain which does not help the emotion that I go through while having it.  

I went to the gynecologist today for the first time ever and that was slightly nerve racking.  Having some stranger palpating your breast and touching all around can seem pretty strange.  But also the feminist in me and my belief that “women should be comfortable with everything because our body is the center of nature” calmed me down and also took it as an experience for my art. Just like Amy Schumer going to the gynecologist it is then presented into a feminist stand up bit or a comedy sketch which is an inspiration.  To create a dialogue between real life situations that women and other oppressed groups have to go through and to suggest that in my art is important, it confirms reality and brings one another closer together.  

I like to believe that I have become smarter.  Like while reading what I just wrote and analyzing it just to make sure I come across educated or that maybe what I just wrote is actually interesting.  Someone may come across it and find some way to relate to it and something I said made them feel some sort of way.  

so like it’s really hard gain and losing 20lbs every year.  I feel like my body goes into hibernation and my brain starts to be full and I’m just matching my brain with my stomach.  I don’t know I just can’t get over the fact if I stayed with my exercise and diet the summer i went college I would be down to my goal weight.  So maybe this has given me lessons maybe my weight and mental illness has helped me with my profession of artwork but is that the truth or is that an excuse i’m making up so I won’t go and hate myself.

The week my summer break started I knew I was going to have a difficult transition.  I always get frustrated and I always screw up my habits.  I stopped taking my medicine which only 2 days without it was very evident to my mother.  I just went to my first therapist appointment 3 weeks in now to summer break and I’m taking my medicine for a solid 3 weeks and I’m feeling better mentally but I’m still disappointed in myself.

I weigh an amount that is unhealthy for my body and not only do I feel slightly uncomfortable in some of my clothes but I can feel the stress all over my body.  My stomach is uncomfortable and my knees are making noises and my ankles and wrists feel weak.  Yes my weight gives me self confidence issues but it is just really worries me that in 10 years I won't be able to walk or hold my child or have diabetes or have heart problems.  Yes all this already runs in my family but I can prevent it.  I need to prevent it.  I just worked out and I’m eating a lot of kale and spinach but I’m still not doing perfect.  

I have 10 more days until I am back in my college town (home). Last year at this time I never drank and I never really did anything.  Now i have a boyfriend and have become friends with plenty of people.  My life is waiting for me in Lyme and I really wish that I was there now. 

I have not successfully lost the weight that I planned over the summer.  I do plan on continuing working out and eating healthy once I get back to school.  I’m also really looking forward to continuing my education and beginning new classes that I’ve never had with professors that I’ve never had.  

I am an art student and I love art but I am really looking forward to drinking and laughing with my friends.  I want to feel high on life again.  I want to be dizzy and numb.