:salt: what do you think fandom generally gets wrong?
belatedly: more salty opinions
this one goes out to both the untamed and fandom in general, none of yâall are free from sin
every damn one of you vanilla ass virgins and diehard BDSM hall monitors needs to quit it with the handwringing âbut where are the safewordsâ shit.
safewords arenât the be-all end-all of kink safety! and nobody is handwringing this much about âbut condomsâ or âbut whereâs the shears while theyâre doing rope bondage in case somebody panicsâ or âhow long have those nipple clamps been on?â because for those things people seem to understand that itâs porn and âyou have to be careful with abruptly pulling long hair because you might fuck up someoneâs neckâ isnât fun and sexy to read about. smut is for fun! the author controls whether or not thereâs accidents, so if iâm reading something thatâs just a kinky pwp, i assume that no inconvenient practicalities are going to rear their head the way they always might irl. included in âinconvenient practicalitiesâ is being prepared someone might need to safeword out.Â
sometimes thereâs a good reason to put in a safeword discussion: maybe badwrong sexy bit includes someone starting to have a bad time and the presence/absence of a safeword gives the sex scene tension. maybe one character is kinking on inexperience and enjoying leading their partner through the basics in detail. some story justification! something more than âoh right and i need to be a Responsible Porn Writer and include the safeword discussionâ
fanfiction isnât sex ed anymore than pornhub is! you can learn stuff from it, sure (thereâs some creative stuff out there on the internet) but itâs not a how-to guide.
but all that isnât even what iâm most steamed about!
the thing that makes me insane is the idea that you have to have a safeword for all kink activities. safewords are for consent play! there is absolutely no reason that saying ânoâ or yanking yourself away shouldnât be sufficient outside of roleplay. otherwise, you know what is a good way to make your partner stop hitting you? saying âstop hitting me.âÂ
if youâre using a safeword as the big consent marker, then thereâs only one way to say stop. if youâre not, thereâs a thousand ways to say no. body language! tone of voice! a very wide range of vocabulary! there are also a thousand ways to say yes that arenât âgreen,â and you can add âstops conveying yes/enjoymentâ to the ways to say no. you donât have to remember a special vocabulary word to be able to say âhey, bad spot, back off.â more importantly, the person hitting you has no excuse to not pay attention to that signal because itâs âwell itâs not a safeword sooooo.....â
thereâs just such a big difference between how somebody enjoying themselves acts and someone who isnât! itâs almost always fucking obvious. people who try to convince you itâs all subtle and confusing are not good people.Â
like: âah, fuck, that hurts so bad, i canât, i canât -- oh my god, no, not again, please please please!â
versus:Â âwhoa, uh-uh, that was too much. ow. i need a five minute break.â
one of those examples has the word ânoâ in it. itâs not the one that should bring things to an absolute screeching halt. the difference in tone is stark, and would be even starker with an actual voice behind it.
another example with consent play!
compare: âoh no, itâs so big, donât put it in me! i wonât be able to take it! if you touch me there iâll be ruined forever!â
to:Â âwait, iâm getting freaked out, letâs stop playing.â
most fic is writing about characters who know each other really well and should be able to read the body language of their partner. a lot of rules and safety precautions are most applicable when two people who donât know each other super well are having sex and needing to have things you can point to and say âyou agreed if i said red, you would stop, and when i said it you didnât stopâ with no room grey areas. if you have a bad actor in the room, theyâll take any chance they get to say they got mixed signals and how could they have known. two characters who love each other should be different! and in that vein: a lot of kink irl is done with dominant men and submissive women, so the dom is physically a LOT stronger than the sub. so many m/m ships are between characters with basically equal strength and thereâs an element of fear that just isnât present the same way.
a safeword is a big stressful thing to use -- thereâs a lot of weight and seriousness put behind it. plus if itâs some cutesy thing you have to remember it under duress, that seems hard! thereâs not enough nuance in a single word to easily make the difference clear between âiâm getting a leg crampâ and âif you touch me one more time iâm going to feel traumatized.â in some ways, this obsession with safewords makes me worry about the false safe of security given by following the rulebook. ticking off all the boxes on the consent to-do list isnât a substitute for using your goddamn human social skills that youâve been developing for 18 YEARS AT ABSOLUTE MINIMUM!Â
personally, asking if someone is âgreenâ is also deeply unsexy in my book, akin to my arbitrary hatred of the word âpanties,â but thatâs less serious, and youâre free to disagree. the rest you can fight me about if you want, but iâm right and youâll lose