The Magic Penguin

*spins my clothes in a wet metal tube then bakes them in a different metal tube to undo the wetness*

in literature this is called defamiliarization so congrats this post is officially a literary masterpiece  

In my house its called laundry! Thank you!

In class today, Trump was somehow brought up and someone said that Trump was a neo-nazi and my professor was like, “Trump hasn’t ever said he was a neo-nazi” and another kid said, “I was still gay before I started calling myself gay!” and realized what he said and he looked just mortified but it was the greatest response to anything I’ve ever heard

When trump makes you so angry that you ram down the closet door to call out some bs

GLORIOUS

Bada bing

Babadook

gay culture is trying to telepathically communicate to visibly gay people you see in public that you’re one of them

who is she

Ya but you gotta specify… frost glacier freeze or cool blue you can’t just say “blue” bc there’s more than one blue….

blue and light blue nice try officer

there’s blue cherry too so that doesn’t even work

No one drinks blue cheery next question

my rooster doesn’t crow when the sun rises, he crows when he hears humans wake up, like you can literally just roll over in bed and he’s like “hoLY SHIT THAT’S A PEOPLE THE HUMAN ISAWAKE AHHH AHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

the same rooster - god guys he’s so cute - he always lets hens eat treats first and won’t have any treats until they’ve had as much as they want, unless it’s a blueberry. shit, blueberries are like serious fucking business for Pharaoh. he’s a gentleman until the damn blueberries come out and then he don’t play no fuckin games

Quality rooster

HELL YEAH!

THE BEST THING IVE SEEN THIS YEAR

NEW PLAN: trap mike pence in a pit and stealthily replace him with Gay Short Shorts Mike Pence a la Mad-Eye Moody or Mystique in that one xmen movie. then when trump is impeached, Gay Short Shorts Mike Pence will become President Gay Short Shorts Mike Pence. a just and powerful leader. “What happened to you, Mike Pence?” his supporters will cry in 2018 as he instates his new federal holiday, Mandatory Give $20 To Your Gay Neighbor Day. “I had a change of heart,” he will say, as villainous actual Mike Pence struggles against his bonds in a well-appointed Park Slope living room

D I R E C T. A C T I O N.

why would a candle thats already lit want to be with a match

also her being lit is going to eventually melt her and reduce her to nothing match guy is an abusive sadboy who thinks he’s the victim when candlegirl just wants someone who will keep her alive

im here for this analysis