Ali

Dance practice was always a nice time for you and Chan.  During breaks, he'd hold you close and cuddle even if he was a sweaty mess.  You loved it secretly.  But today was different.  

“Mother Wolf,” Felix asked, hugging you tightly, “can you cuddle with me today?”

“I’d gladly give you cuddles,” you replied smiling as you sat down with him.  He rested his head lightly on your shoulder.  

Chan marched over, “Felix, are you okay?  Did something happen?”

Chan was genuinely concerned.  Felix did need attention sometimes, but he never was like this.

“I’m fine hyung,” the younger Australian replied, lifting his head off your shoulder, “I don’t want you to get itchy and be distracted all practice.  You’ll never learn the dance that way.”

 He could kind of put up with that.  You were the group mom, so the boys would cuddle too.  No big deal.

Minho was a different story.  He crossed the line.  Ever since the start, you’d always be put near if not next to Chan.  It wasn’t because he was your boyfriend.  It was because he always reassured you throughout the performance.  He made you feel less nervous.  But not today!  Minho put you on the complete other side.  He stayed the further away, the healthier he’d be and better he’d do.  Chan was gonna go all Predebut Han on him.  But you just laughed and said Minho was right.

At the end of practice, everyone was exhausted.  Chan flops on the floor next to you, trying to catch his breath.  You walk over to him, his water bottle in hand.  You go to hand it to Chan when it’s snatched right out of your hand by Hyunjin.  “What the hell man,” Chan breathes out sitting up.

Hyunjin takes his clean towel and starts wiping it off.  “Gotta disinfect it,” he answered, eyes focused and brows furrowed as he wiped off the bottle.

You laughed, “I can’t believe I forgot.  Thanks Hyunjin.  It’s sweet you're looking out for him.”

Chan gave you side eye.  You were lucky you were cute.

Every month you, Seungmin and Jeongin have a vocalracha live where you talked about life, songs you were listening to and on occasion sang some karaoke.  Today, you three were doing the live at the Dimple Dorm aka Chan and Jeongin’s dorm.  You technically have your own dorm, but you just use it for storage and stay with your boyfriend and the maknae.  

The three of you had been laughing and having a good time when suddenly you hear, “Peaches!  Innie!  I’m home.”  You went to get up to see Chan, but Seungmin and Innie hugged you tightly, not letting you get up.

Meanwhile, Chan was getting worried.  Usually after a long day in the studio, you’d be there to greet him or at least give him some sign that you were alive.  “Peaches?  You okay?”

The two youngest heard it.  But refused to let go.

“We should really tell Chan where we are,” you said concerned, breaking out of their hold on you.  You were always there to greet Chan.  And judging by the eighteen “where are you? Are you okay? texts, he was worried.

“No,” Innie exclaimed.  Hearing the loud yell from Innie tipped Chan off as to where you three were.  He quietly walked to Innie’s door and opened it quietly to see if he’d say why the youngest two wouldn’t let you leave.

“If you go out there,” I.N started, “Chan might give you a hug.  And if he does he could go into Ana-phylactic shock.”

Chan couldn’t be mad.  He was just impressed Innie knew what anaphylactic shock was.

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His heart was raising.  Sweat was already running down his face.  It was just a performance.  He’s done it tons of times, but the number of people and the bright lights just overwhelmed his mind so much today.  You noticed.  Any change in his emotions was a big red flag to you that he needed someone.  But you two had to perform.  Throughout the whole performance, Han wasn’t him.  He was just going through the motions and nothing more.  When it ended, he was on the verge of tears.  You wanted to run over to him and comfort him.  But you knew that would only expose everything.

Once you were backstage, you didn’t hesitate to run over and hug him.  Han’s eyes moved down to the pressure holding his torso.  “Breathe in, breathe out,” you quietly said, “please.”

Han focused on your breathing.  Breathe in, breathe out.  The crowd was gone.  The performance was over.  At that moment, it was just the two of you.  He felt himself breathing normally again.  He just held you closer and kissed the top of your head.  The chaos and pressure was gone, replaced with a calm that he never wanted to lose.

You ran out of the studio in a hurry.  Your chest felt tight.  Everything was too much.  You weren’t sure what was going on anymore.  Walls were spinning.  Tears were running down your cheeks, eyeliner and mascara running down your cheeks as you struggled to breathe.  The pressure, the fear of disappointment, it was all coming at once.  You didn’t want any of them to see you like this.  You didn’t want Han to see you like this.  You slid down to the floor and pulled your knees to your chest.

“Darling,”  Han came out and kneeled in front of you, “I need you to focus on my voice.”

You nodded.

“Breathe in….breathe out….breathe in….breathe out.”

You followed his instructions, feeling the pressure dissipate.    You didn’t want to look at him.  You were embarrassed.  You looked like a mess.   You were his calm when the storms were heavy.  You weren’t supposed to be weak.

“You’re doing great,” he said softly, “there’s no need for tears.  They’re gonna love it.  No need to panic or think about something that hasn’t and won’t happen.  Okay?”

“I feel like an idiot,” you said as you rested your chin on your knees,  "I'm supposed to be your rock when you panic.”

“You don’t have to be calm all the time.  We’re partners in all of this.  We don’t have to define who’s calm and who’s not.  We’re whoever the other needs when they need it.  And I love the calm you and the you that panics because she wants everything to like it.  Okay?”  He moved to sit next to you, pulling you into his side.

“I love you too,” you replied, resting your head on his shoulder, "Can we stay here for a little longer?”

“We can stay here all day if you want.  Chan and Changbin can handle production for today.”

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You and Minho were quiet as you walked toward the front gate of the Commander’s estate.  Your stomach was in knots.  Would he like you?  How long would you last?  Is he kind?  As you look at the estate on the other side of the gate, it was beautiful.  It wasn’t as large as the home you grew up in.  That didn’t matter though.  Something about the traditional architecture and the land surrounding your new home felt grand yet warm and comforting all at the same time.  You turned to Minho with sad eyes.

“You’ll be okay,” Minho reassured her, patting your head, “You’ll have a better time here than at home.”

“Take care of dad for me,” you requested looking down at your feet.  You felt an overwhelming guilt for leaving like this.

“You must be the new lady of the house,” an older woman asked approaching the two of you, “my name is Euhna.  I’m the maid of the Park estate.  It’s a pleasure to meet you.  Please follow me.  I’ll show you your new room.”

You turned one last time to your brother.  “Just be good.  I’ll try to visit soon.”

As you walked with the maid to her new quarters, you passed by the most beautiful man you’d ever seen.  You were mesmerized.  Not just by his face, but the energy around him.  He was magnetic, calm and there was this weird feeling inside your chest that you couldn’t explain.  “Euhna,” the man interrupted sternly.

“Apologies, Lord Park,” the maid apologized, turning to the young man, “this is your fiance.”

You bowed.  “It’s very nice to meet you,” you whispered, not looking up at him.

“You don’t have to stay there all day.”

All the color drained from your face.  You promised Minho that you’d be a good wife.  And here you were messing up within minutes of meeting your future husband.  

“I’m sorry,” you replied, standing up, but still not looking at him.  You braised yourself for the pain that would come.  But it never came.  He just simply said, “as long as you are here you listen to me.  I tell you to do something, you do it.  I don’t want to hear anything about it.”

“Yes Lord Park,” you said bowing quickly.  Eunha led the way to your new room as Seonghwa stood there.  He had not expected you to be like that.  There were so many things he couldn’t explain.

As Eunha led you to your room, you looked around your new home.  Everything seemed quiet.  Not an isolated quiet, but something peaceful.  Yet, the peaceful calm of this house did nothing to settle your nerves.

“This is your new room.  I hope it’s to your liking.  It’s not very large as I assume your room was,” she apologized as she opened the door to your new room.  Your jaw dropped.  It was the most beautiful play you had ever seen.

“No,” you said, setting your small bag of your belongings down on the floor, “It’s perfect.  I love it.”

“Oh dear.  Your makeup is caking.  Let me help you fix it.  We might have to…”

“I’m fine,” you bluntly interrupted.

And that moment, her suspicions were confirmed.  You were hiding.  She had a hunch from the beginning from what your brother said.  To the thick layers of makeup.  To the nervous energy you’d had since you arrived at the estate.

“No, you aren’t.  If you’re scared or hiding something, I won’t judge.  You have nothing to be afraid of dear.  We all have scars.  And we don’t want people to treat us differently.  Now, let’s get you cleaned up for the day.”

Eunha started to open a makeup cleaner bottle before you started to cry.

“I’m sorry,” you apologized, tears welling in your eyes.

“No need to apologize for anything.  I understand where you’re coming from,” Eunha explained as she fixed your foundation, “I had a father who used to hurt me too.  I’d dream about a day when I’d leave and find someone who’d love me the way they do in stories.”

“Did you ever find him,” you asked quietly.  You were hoping she’d ease your mind a little.  If she’d be able to leave and get a happy ending, maybe you could too.

“Yes and no.  I never married.  I didn’t feel safe around any man at the time.  Eventually, I just left and accepted my fate.  But then I met Lord Park.  He had put out an ad for someone to take care of his estate while he was away.  I was skeptical at first, much like you are.  But, behind the cold exterior, he has a warm heart.  I might not have found love, but I’m happy.  Have faith.  He’ll be a good husband to you.”

You didn’t say anything.  You decided to trust the process.  He was one of your brother’s closest friends after all.  Yes, he looked scary and seemed to not care at all when you came.  But, that didn’t mean he was a bad person.  He was just a little reserved or so you hoped.

Seonghwa sat reading in his room.  He had held off from seeing his fiance again until mealtime.  The journey was long and you deserved some rest and to put her things away.  Though he found it weird that you had almost nothing with you.  You were a daughter from a well known family.  That must have been a mistake.  As the time passed, he was getting concerned as he still heard nothing from anyone. Then he heard a knocking on his door. “Lord Park, may I have a minute?”

“Euhna, please come in.”

The head maid entered the room with a somber face.  “I’m sorry to be rude,” she began, “but do you know anything about your fiance?”

“She’s Vice Commander Lee’s sister.  Is there a problem with her treatment of you?”

“Oh no, Lord!  She’s a sweet girl.  But, she has signs of abuse.  Like someone’s been beating her for years.  She’s extremely thin too.  Did the Vice Commander mention anything?”

“He did not!  Let me see her!”  

Seonghwa could see red.  He was lied to.  Why didn’t Minho tell him anything?  What was this thing they were trying to pull?  He immediately got up from his seat and headed towards your room.  He couldn’t believe this.  He couldn’t think clearly as his footsteps pounded throughout the halls.  When he reached your door, he pulled it open hard, almost destroying it in the process.

“Lord Park, you can’t…” Eunha yelled, but it was too late.

He grabbed you harshly, not on purpose however.  He was just so angry at his friend and at your father for ever touching you that he let his emotions get the best of him.  But he didn’t realize until he heard your sniffles.  “I’m sorry,” you whimpered, breaking free from his grip and moving further away from him, “I’m nothing but a waste of space.  Please…don’t hurt me.”

Seonghwa went stiff.  He felt like his heart was being ripped out of his chest.  He didn’t know what this feeling was. He wipes away your tears, revealing more bruises and scars.  These could be healed with time, but he didn’t know how to heal the emotional ones.  He pulls you closer to his chest, “you don’t have anything to fear anymore.  As long as I’m here, nothing will hurt you ever again.”

“I’m sorry,” you apologized, crying into his chest.  You felt calmer.  The fear that you’d felt all your life was starting to disappear, but you didn’t want to let your guard down yet.  You barely knew him.  Yes, you’d heard Minho’s stories about the great Seonghwa, but until today he’d only been a story.  A character in a story (how ironic since this is a story…nevermind back to the actual story).  

“You don’t need to apologize for anything.  Not anymore,” he said quietly.  He turned to Eunha, “please bring our dinner here tonight.”

Dinner felt a little weird.  You couldn’t even look at him.  You weren’t sure what he was thinking, if you were going to be kicked out, etc.  “Is everything okay,” Seonghwa questioned.  You snapped out of your thoughts.

“I’m fine,” you lied, refusing to make any eye contact, “just not hungry.”

“Not hungry or overthinking?”

Damn, he found you out.  You didn’t want to admit to him how you felt about everything.  Talk about what happened a few minutes ago.

“I don’t know if you want me here at all.  I’m not a refined lady.  I can’t do any of that stuff,” you mumbled sadly.

“It’s not about being or doing anything.  Things like that can be learned.  What matters is that you try.  What did you do back when you lived at home?”

As he said this, you couldn’t figure out what he meant.  If he was just saying words to make you feel better.  His eyes were blank.  They didn’t show anything hostile, but nothing overly loving either.  Maybe one day, you’d see something more than nothing in his eyes.  So, you started talking about the past and your time with Minho.  How he’d bring you home little wooden animals and trinkets because you enjoyed cute things.   Though he wondered why you had almost nothing with you when you arrived at the house.  You also rambled on about how you’d do all of the cooking and make packed lunches for not only your brother, but something to send home with all the maids at your home.  But there was one thing, he knew there was something sad lying beneath.  The bruises were one sign, but the way your smile seemed somewhat forced sold it for him.  Seonghwa knew he had to figure this out if he wanted you to have a happier life and a happy marriage with him.

Seonghwa hadn’t slept that night.  His thoughts had been racing with questions that he needed answers to.  Nothing was adding up.  Something about this marriage was fishy.  It was hard for him to focus on anything that morning.  Paper work laid on his desk, but he couldn’t tell you what it said.  All he could focus on were his thoughts and the loud footsteps from his door.  He looked up for a second and he saw it.  The person who had all the answers.

“Vice Commander Lee.  May I have a word?”

Minho looked over to his long time friend wide eyed.  He had a bad feeling about this.  Now his commander was always grumpy.  But he knew with the whole marriage thing that this wasn’t to tell him that he was in love and thankful, this was something bad.  “Commander,” he asked hesitantly as he looked at everything inside the office, except Seonghwa.

“I need to know everything about your sister,” you commanded, crossing his arms,”because I have a lot of questions.  And I am not in the mood for lies.”

“Technically I didn’t lie,” Minho replied, rubbing the back of his neck,  “I just didn’t tell you everything.”

“I’m going to kill you unless you tell me.”  Minho was starting to sweat even though these death threats weren’t unusual for him to receive.  He really shouldn’t have made jokes at a time like this.  But, he was also telling the truth technically.  

Minho took a deep breath, “My sister and I are twins.  And we all know what they say about twins.  My dad wanted to kill my sister that day, but my mom refused to let him.  So, my dad kept her hidden because she was an abomination to him.  She ended up spending most of her time with the maids doing chores. He would just beat her and mistreat her for everything that went wrong.  My mom tried everything to stop him… then she died. I took over trying to keep her safe.  I’ve been trying to get her out of there since she’s been of marriage age.  But everyone I tried to introduce her to kept treating her wrong.  I needed someone I could trust to treat her well and love her.  And that was you.  The favor was just a good way to get you to agree.”

Seonghwa sat silently, staring at his hands.  He didn’t know love.  He was raised to be a soldier.  But now, he had someone who needed that.  Who needed to know that you were someone worthy of love.  But could he do it?  He wanted to, for your sake.  If he couldn’t give you that, he’d at least let you know that she deserves better.

“I can’t promise to love her.  But I will treat her well,” he promised.

Seonghwa was happy for the day to end.  The weight of Minho’s confession felt heavy on his chest.  He wasn’t sure how he was gonna be able to help you in any way.  As he opened the door, he was met with you  who was on the way to meet him at the front gate.  “Oh, Lord Park,” you said shocked, bowing, “how was work?”

He was startled to see you at first.  He felt like everything weighing him down was starting to disappear.  He didn’t know a person could do that to him.  He didn’t know that could happen in general.

“It was long,” he explained, removing his boots, “but I feel better being at home with you again, Love.”

The two turned bright red.  That came out of nowhere.  But it felt right in a weird, yet awkward way.  Neither of you could look each other in the eye for the rest of the afternoon and don’t even get started on how awkward dinner was.

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You could barely carry the books in your small arms as you walked down the hallway.  You had probably checked out 10 books on all different things.  In the months you two went to school, the two of you became extremely close.  The two of you were always together.  And because of that, you wanted to learn more about Korea and attempt to learn Korean.  So, you checked out as many books about the topic as you could from the school library.  Suddenly, you collided with someone.  All the books flew everywhere and the person fell to the ground.  It was Seungmin.

“I am so so sorry Sky,” you said as you went over to see if he was okay, disregarding the library books scattered across the hall, “are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” he replied, getting up off the ground and brushing himself off, “why do you have so many books?”

“No reason.  Just in the mood to read.”

He smiled as he helped you pick up the books.  Is she doing this for me, he asked himself.  He thought it was nice that you wanted to learn more about him and where he was from.  In reality, you were.  But, he wouldn’t understand why.  At home, you knew so little about her Korean heritage.  You wanted to be able to understand him.  The little things he did.  You were determined to learn as much as you can so you could understand not only the things he did, but where your family came from.

“I don’t want you to leave,” you cried as you hugged Seungmin tighter.  It was finally time for him to go back home.  You were devastated.  He was your best friend.  Without him, you didn’t know what you were gonna do.  The only good thing was your parents found you a phone that was only able to text and call for you and Seungmin to communicate through, so you could still keep talking and being friends.

“I know.  I’m gonna miss you,” he said, hugging you just as tight, “I’ll message you every week, if not every day.”

You nodded before pulling away.  “Okay.  Bye Sky.”

He started heading towards the terminal before he stopped and turned around, tears streaming down his face.  “It’s Seungmin actually.  My real name.”

“Got it, Seungmin,” you tearfully answered, “Message me when you get home okay?”

And he did.  He texted you when he got home saying that he got home safely and he missed you already.

You sat waiting for your audition.  This was probably one of the scariest things you ever did.  You flew to a foreign country to audition to become an idol.  You didn’t know if you could do it.  Sure, you knew the language and the customs but it was still scary. The doubts were swimming around in your head.  Until you caught a glimpse of him.  Seungmin.  The pictures didn’t do him justice.  He looked so grown up now from when you last saw him when you were ten.  You played with the ring he gave you before he left LA.  It was just a simple band he got you at a little store for not a lot of money.  It was always too big for your fingers, so you wore it on a chain.  The chain changed a few times as you got older, but the ring was always with you.  Always close to your heart.

When you got called back to do your audition, you took a deep breath.  It was now or never.  You were either staying here with him in person or you were going to continue to message and love him from afar.  

Seungmin’s phone was buzzing.  He pulled it out of his pocket and read the message that popped up.

Autumn: Turn around.

So he did.  When he turned around, you were standing there.  You definitely weren’t just a message on the screen.  You were so much prettier in person.  He ran over and engulfed her in a hug, kissing the top of her head.   “What are you doing here,” he inquired.

“I auditioned for JYP,” you admitted, “now will you let go, any tighter and I’m gonna stop breathing.”

He broke away from her and really looked at her now.  Damn, he felt so lucky.

“And,” he questioned, waiting anxiously.

“I got in,” you exclaimed, jumping up and down.  He jumped up and down like an idiot with you for a second.  Once you two settled down, he caressed your cheek and kissed you passionately.  He was happy that your relationship didn’t have to be long distance anymore.  That instead of I love you on a screen, he could say it to your face.

Please do not copy, modify, translate or repost my writing on other platforms. Comments, reblogs and likes are highly appreciated!